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social event: not sure if I'm being oversensitive

(14 Posts)
whitenightsandlazydays Tue 15-Dec-15 15:44:54

This is quite trivial compared on this board. I used to be really close friends with X but over the past year or so, for reasons X has never explained to me, X has decided that she no longer wants to be friends anymore. When i see her sometimes she can be polite and chatty and other times she is downright rude, i never know which it's going to be but she has made it very clear that we are no longer friends.

I am also friends with Y but not as close as X is with her. I've never discussed the breakdown of my friendship with Y as I don't have a problem with X, only her with me. Tonight Y has invited me out for a Christmas drink with her, X and Z (who I vaguely know). This is my only chance to see Y before Jan. Part of me wants to go, as I'd like to see Y but X, Y and Z regularly socialise as a 3 so I feel like I'd be some sort of spare part or intruding on their evening. i have self-esteem issues anyway so sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to spend time with groups of people who are better friends with each other than they are with me. Often i can just brazen this out and once i get somewhere I'm ok but tonight I'm really not sure whether to turn up or not. Should i go and ignore the fact that X doesn't like me, or should i stay home and arrange to catch up with Y in the new year?

whitenightsandlazydays Tue 15-Dec-15 15:45:20

trivial compared to most problems

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Dec-15 15:50:10

Did she invite you just now for tonight or did she invite you a while ago and it's tonight?
If you already accepted a little while ago then you should go.
If she's only just invited you just say you have other plans already.

gandalf456 Tue 15-Dec-15 15:51:17

I'd stay in and arrange to see y another time

LastOneDancing Tue 15-Dec-15 15:59:23

Why would Y arrange a group thing if X has fallen out with you? If they're good friends you'd think something would have been said when Y was making arrangements for the get together.

Is it possible she's not fallen out with you and the friendship has just cooled?

whitenightsandlazydays Tue 15-Dec-15 15:59:50

Y has invited me a couple of times recently to go out with the three of them but both times i have genuinely been unable to make it because i already had other plans. I'm not sure if Y doesn't know about X's dislike of me, or if she's trying to gloss over it, or trying to get us in the same place in the hope that we will sort things out (which i know we won't as this has been going on for a year).

gandalf456 Tue 15-Dec-15 16:04:27

I'd explain the situation to y then

LastOneDancing Tue 15-Dec-15 16:22:04

Ask Y which of the above it is and go from there.

Shockers Tue 15-Dec-15 16:36:22

I wouldn't explain anything. I had a very similar situation- explained (to the person who wasn't acting like a bitch) why I felt uncomfortable accepting invitations for the time being, and asked her to keep it to herself as I was hoping it would eventually blow over.

Next thing I heard, she'd gone straight back to the other person and told her. Person being a bitch denied it- friend said I'd put her in an impossible situation by explaining- don't see either of them anymore!

Tbh... I'm quite relieved- it was hard work!

If you want to go, I'd approach X directly, say you've noticed a different dynamic and ask if everything is ok.

RatherBeRiding Tue 15-Dec-15 17:03:52

I think it depends on how much you value your friendship with Y. If people keep offering invitations that are turned down, then sooner or later they stop offering.

I would definitely not say anything to Y about the perceived cooling off with X - it rather sounds as though it is X's problem anyway, no-one else's, and it is very unlikely you will ever get to the bottom of it. And with this in mind I'd be inclined to go and brazen it out. In a group of 4 it is much harder to exclude one person than it is with only 3, and you want to see Y, so go for it. Be friendly and open with X - if she isn't very nice to you it will be obvious to the other two.

And as for those self-esteem issues - they will never get better if you just stay home. You've been invited for a reason - because Y wants to spend time with you AND her other friends. Therefore you are "good enough"!

whitenightsandlazydays Tue 15-Dec-15 17:06:47

Thanks Shockers, you have confirmed why I haven't said anything to Y, I don't feel it's fair to drag her into the problem, it's between X and me. I have asked X a few times over the past few months what's going on but she gives me a vague answer which doesn't actually explain what I've done to upset her, and once she even denied that we were ever friends in the first place.

whitenightsandlazydays Tue 15-Dec-15 17:09:03

Thanks also Riding, your last paragraph is what I know i should be saying to myself.

Muldjewangk Tue 15-Dec-15 20:12:10

It might be too late now but I wouldn't go.

Muldjewangk Tue 15-Dec-15 20:16:57

The reason I say this is because if your gut feeling is don't go, then don't go. Also If Y likes you enough she can see you seperately from X.

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