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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Is there ever a excuse to cheat?

40 replies

Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 13:12

For example stuck in unhappy relationship or with someone for kids sake of partner treats you bad.
Is it a excuse or should you walk away before starting something with someone else?

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zombiesarecoming · 15/12/2015 13:14

You should walk away from a shit relationship rather than cheat

Doesn't happen in a lot of cases but it is the right thing to do

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whitershadeofpale · 15/12/2015 13:16

I don't think there's ever an excuse and you should walk away before starting something new.

However, I know of a few people in DV situations who only found the strength to leave after meeting someone else and realising how unhealthy their relationship was.

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 13:19

I guess there's a lot of fear
What if I leave and regret it or if I leave il loose my kids relationship.
It's a shitty situation I guess at times.

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StillDrSethHazlittMD · 15/12/2015 13:50

There is NEVER an excuse to cheat.

If you're unhappy, leave.
If your partner treats you bad, leave.

Which do you think impacts on your kids more? A split without a third person involved or a split due to an affair? The latter will almost invariably be far nastier and more unpleasant than the former (and they can still be nasty).

Split. Do not cheat. For your own self respect and dignity and potentially a less damaging situation for your children. Having an affair is the height of selfishness.

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onlyif · 15/12/2015 13:53

I wholeheartedly agree with stilldrseth, never ever a excuse to cheat an lie the impact always causes ripples and heartache for everyone. You need to leave.

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AuntieStella · 15/12/2015 14:01

Cheating makes things worse.

You need to sort out what is wrong with your marriage, and how to fix it (or end it). Not add lies, betrayals and all sorts of other stressors.

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Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 14:36

I was in a EA relationship for years, I was told no one else would want me ( when I threatened to leave dh ), then one day I got chatting to a old male friend and we exchanged numbers, the thought that someone actually found me attractive made me feel really good and gave me the confidence to end it with dh, I don't think I cheated as such but I could have easily.

If you feel attracted to someone else the. You need to look closely at your relationship and ask yourself why you feel you could cheat, walk away from the relationship if your not happy, walk away before you cheat .

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LaurieLemons · 15/12/2015 14:47

There's never an excuse. There's a difference between understanding something and excusing it. It's never ok to cheat, and never solves anything but in certain situations you can understand what may have drove that person to do it.

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MrsHairyPoppins · 15/12/2015 14:52

Depends. Life's not black and white. Fifty shades of grey and all that...

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LaurieLemons · 15/12/2015 14:54

Just read your second post, are you actually considering it then?

What you have to think about it that unless you are in a loving and happy relationship, it doesn't teach your kids anything. You might cheat and get away with it but you can't hide how you feel. When you're not happy it shows. Two parents that can get on well living apart is a better environment for them than an unhappy marriage.

It's a cop out - saying that you'll stay for the sake of the kids. What you really mean is you couldn't face the initial upset of moving out, confusing them and turning your world upside down.

As for regretting it, have you done everything in your power to try and make things work? If the answer is yes then I promise you won't.

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 15:31

I think that's what it is.
Having the balls to actually end something after years even tho your not happy anymore.
Feeling lonely in a relationship Is a horrible feeling and then you meet someone who you get excited about and enjoy being with them but you put your kids first because you think being under one roof unhappy is better than missing out on moments not being there.

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MrsHairyPoppins · 15/12/2015 16:14

Out of curiosity, are you male or female? Just asking re kids. IMO you sound really unhappy. I'm not condoning anything but life is so short and precious, I think that each and every person deserves happiness.

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MrsHairyPoppins · 15/12/2015 16:15

And just to add, have you tried to fix things or given up?

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 16:22

Im asking on behalf of friends.
My female friend and a male friend both in similar situations.
Both unhappy and don't know what to advise.

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 16:24

My female friend is 29.
1 little boy and she's told me when she looks at her boyfriend she wants to be sick.
My male friend( we are just friends and there's no sexual attraction between us) well he feels trapped and can't get out of the situation.

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bobsalong · 15/12/2015 16:29

I'll add my experience in here just to put another perspective on it.
My first serious relationship was so controlling it was like he brainwashed me. I couldn't spent my own money, I couldn't buy my own clothes or go out unless he knew the people. He had our whole lives planned out- we were going to go and live in America- I wanted to stay here but insisted. He chose what college I went to, what subjects I studied, who I made friends with, he organised my gym routine... You get the picture.
After four years I wasn't attracted to him anymore, I was no longer in love with him, but when I got the courage to tell him, he brushed me off and persuaded me that it was okay, we'd see how things went.
In the end I cheated on him three times. It was like being let out of prison. I needed to get my head out of it to see that I could actually be free and a normal person.
In the end he saw texts, grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against my wardrobe, then left. I felt so sorry for him as for weeks he begged to try again but it just wasn't there anymore, the spell had been broken as it were. I think if I hadn't cheated I would have stayed with him- I knew nothing else and struggled to cope with being independent. We met when I had depression too so he had a huge hold over me.

It's not always black and white.

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SongBird16 · 15/12/2015 16:33

Both of your friends are dicks.

If her boyfriend makes her feel sick she should leave and let him find someone who appreciates him. Does he know she's repulsed by him? Poor guy.

Why does your male friend feel trapped? What's stopping him from leaving exactly?

It's cowardice and selfishness. They don't want to jump ship unless they've got a better deal lined up. They're basically using their current partners, as a sort of 'they'll do until someone better comes along', wasting years of their partners' lives in the meantime.

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 16:50

My female friend has had no life since she met him.
He crys when she wants to go out without him,she has became a shell of her former self.
It is his house so if she leaves she has nothing.
No furniture etc.
My male friend( well I don't have has much sympathy for him) he just hasn't got the balls to leave basically

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 16:51

My male friend is a confused man.

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timelytess · 15/12/2015 16:54

No, I don't think so. Possibly if the cheat has a spouse with a long-term illness so stays to support him/her. Ideally, no cheating at all.

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pocketsaviour · 15/12/2015 16:57

OP, is your female friend married to this man? If so, then she jointly owns their house. That's the law. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and it sounds like she would be best off leaving - but not to jump straight into someone else's bed. She needs to live alone for a bit and get to know herself and reset her boundaries.

Your male friend just sounds a bit of a coward, TBH.

I do think there are some circumstances where cheating can be justified. Say one partner develops a serious chronic illness where sex is now completely off the table. I think a discreet FB arrangement can help the caring partner stay sane and married.

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Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 17:06

No she isn't married to him.
He keeps her bank cards etc.
He is on her car insurance.
He doesn't like her working and thinks she should be a stepford wife I think.

I agree about my male friend.
I've past trying to help him.
Told him if he isn't happy leave,get a flat and share custody but he won't do it so what can u do.
Let him be miserable I guess.

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pocketsaviour · 16/12/2015 11:21

Gosh, that doesn't sound like a good situation at all :( He really has her controlled, doesn't he? Do you think she wants to leave? Could you give her help with this, or help her getting support from Womens Aid, for example? (He is financially controlling her and emotionally abusing here, both of which are forms of domestic abuse - so she mustn't feel that "it's not bad enough for them to help me".)

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oxcat1 · 16/12/2015 13:49

Earlier this year my husband disappeared overnight, and then it became clear that he had been going out with our best friend.

The thing is - which perhaps justifies it, although I struggle with it - is that I have been increasingly unwell and the expectation was that I probably only had a short time left, months or perhaps a year. DH and my best friend had secretly made plans to form a new family after my death.

Except that it turned out the doctors had got it wrong, and suddenly things have made a significant turn for the better. So he moved overnight from saying he loved me when he thought I was dying (as he says who leaves a dying woman?), to saying he didn't love me, just as I became well enough to see the world starting to open itself up full of possibilities as my health recovers. Needless to say, I was beyond devastated. My recovery feels almost pointless without DH to share it. And I am angry with my best friend, as I feel that if she recognised herself as falling in love with my husband, she should have distanced herself - I could still have had years.

So, does my expected death justify their affair?

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Mumsneedfun · 16/12/2015 14:56

I have joined this website as I need to confess to someone/anyone that I have cheated on my DH.
Before anybody gets judgmental I should say that while I was pregnant he cheated on me...and I forgave him for the sake of our daughter.
However he is a hopeless lover, he is selfish in bed will not go down on me and he even has a small willy. Quite the catch you could say!
If all of this wasn't bad enough, the last 6 months he has had difficulty getting an erection. Which has made bad sex just awkward. The last time we had sex he was completely flaccid and when I tried to bring him to life with my mouth he suddenly finished whilst still soft (I didn't think this was possible?!) I nearly threw up. We had a fight and he rolled over leaving me unsatisfied (again) I am not proud of cheating but a younger man from my work came on to me at our Christmas party last week and I was so flattered and sick of feeling unloved and unappreciated I didn't resist. We were talking for ages in his car on our way home and he couldn't believe I had never received oral sex and one thing led to another... he is a god with his tongue I have been deprived! After 20 minutes of pure bliss I could see he had a massive bulge in his pants but I felt guilty and we stopped. He was so nice to me and understanding and took me home.
He wants to see me again but I don't know what to do?
Our daughter is 16 now but I don't want to put her through hurt or trouble if me and DH were to split up. But do I see this man again?