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My mother. I don't know what to do.

(145 Posts)
Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:18:55

We are v close, live near each other and she's a big part of our lives. She helps us with the children too and the other week I asked her if she would pick up my kids from school and wait with them till my husband got home, so for about 2.5 hrs. This was so I could visit my oldest friend who is unwell. That was fine, and my husband had taken the following day off so I could stay at friend's house and he'd do the school runs etc.
Whilst I was away one of the kids had a high temp and so DH kept him off school. My mum had said to him the night before that if he needed a hand with the school run if one was ill, to call her, so he did. (I wouldn't have rang her, first thing personally but he said she had offered, so he did and she came over and sat with the poorly one whilst he dropped the others.)

Anyway I came back and when I saw her, started to tell her about seeing my friend, and she tutted and rolled her eyes. So I asked why she did that and she EXPLODED. She laid into me about how my priorities are all wrong, I shouldn't be off trying to help other people when I had responsibilities at home, and what a terrible mother I am. My eldest has some additional needs including autism, and his diagnosis nearly killed me, but she said I should never have got him diagnosed, he would grow out of it, I've been looking for something to be wrong with him since he was born, and that because we paid for a private diagnosis then if you pay people enough they'll tell you what you want to hear. That I've "marked him for life" with this and I did it because I needed a "reaction." (Don't know what that even means.) I was horrified and told her that was an evil horrible thing to say.

I obviously argued back that what she was saying was nonsense and flies in the face of every specialist opinion we've had, and how would she feel if we left it and it turned out we were right, and she said "well I would be very sorry." I told her I would never forgive her for what she said, she ran across the room to hit me, but I shouted that she had better not, and she told me to get out.

I'm stunned. I don't know what to do. My dad came over yesterday and said "your mother is very upset" but that he didn't want to take sides, and I told him what she had said. He asked what my "plan" was and I said I didn't have one but if I did, it'd start with an apology from her. Then I went to the docs to get something for my shattered nerves.

What do I do????

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:20:45

I'd go NC. Vicious thing for her to do.

TheChocolateDidIt Tue 15-Dec-15 11:24:51

Once everyone has calmed down a little I would ask her why she was so upset and what got her into that state. Unless she does fly off the handle often and is free with her hands. In that case, NC.

TheWitTank Tue 15-Dec-15 11:25:26

She has said some very vicious things. I think I would be very wary of forgiving her for this, especially if she clearly thinks she is right and she was going to hit you. Just not acceptable. At all.

CoraPirbright Tue 15-Dec-15 11:26:26

Good grief!! It sounds like she has been stewing about this for a long time for it to burst out in this sort of explosion. She also obviously has very old fashioned views about autism and getting it diagnosed. You must be incredibly hurt - I am so sorry. Personally I think I would just leave it for a while, not contact her and let everything calm down. She really does need to apologise to you before any sort of rapprochement can happen and I am horrified to hear that she was going to fly across the room and hit you!! Is that a usual occurrence - has she hit you before?

M48294Y Tue 15-Dec-15 11:27:52

Odd that your dad should ask what your plan is. Surely you wait for her to calm down and apologise?

Did you have any idea she felt this way about your eldest child's diagnosis? When you say his diagnosis "nearly killed" you, what do you mean?

CookieDoughKid Tue 15-Dec-15 11:28:19

Do you think your mother is being a martyr and is feeling resentful? She may feel she is being taken for granted in the childcare front. She obviously has issues and I think it round do you both good to have her not so involved with your family for the time being.

Whatevva Tue 15-Dec-15 11:28:37

Is it about something else completely different?

It sounds like a hell of a lot has been festering for some time, and it is not acceptable.

Owllady Tue 15-Dec-15 11:31:39

Crikey confused
I hope you are ok. That sounds awful!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 15-Dec-15 11:34:00

There must be some history here? My dad is very much the same, mum acts outrageously, dad tries to smooth things over for the sake of an easy life for himself.

Stick to your guns re the apology. There evidently needs to be some kind of talk but the first step needs to come from her.

I also think you need to take a massive step back in terms of the help she gives/you accept with the children.

Bubbletree4 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:34:31

What is the nature of your friend's illness?

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:34:53

Gosh, a lot of responses, thankyou so much! CoraPirbright no she has never hit me before. She's lost her rag before, but not to this extent and it has always been about my seeing friends who live away. She's nearly 70, I'm in my 40s, this isn't how we would ever behave.

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:39:26

M48294Y I think my dad was asking how I kind of plan to proceed - make up with her, etc. I said I didn't have a plan.

When I say it nearly killed me, I cried solidly for weeks. I can still barely talk about it. We knew it was coming but all the same I'd hoped that all the assessments would show that he's fine and that if only we patented him differently then everything would be OK. But if course it's not like that, and I worry terribly for him. It's a sort of grief for the hopes we might have had. That sounds awful and we adore him, but it's hard. [crying now]

Whatevva Tue 15-Dec-15 11:42:06

There must be something deep in her belief system, that thinks this is wrong, somehow.

Maybe something happened to someone when she was a child?

Also, it may be worth considering that she might have some sort of dementia starting to show.

You do need an apology, though.

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:43:03

Cookiedough and Whatevva I don't know. She thinks it's my responsibility to be with the kids, even though my husband had taken time off specially so I could go. Somehow she doesn't see that as his responsibility.

We have always had issues with her around boundaries - "helping" too much by doing the laundry etc. That sounds so ungrateful but I don't WANT my laundry doing. My husband came home to find her folding his underpants and putting them away and went crackers. She stopped for a bit but still tidies constantly when she's here.

Owllady Tue 15-Dec-15 11:43:06

Of course it's hard, how you feel is normal. It will pass though x

So she has issues about your friendships then. I would do as the other poster suggests and don't ask her to help with the children if you can help it, especially if you are going to see a friend

Badders123 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:45:01

Your mother - whatever her reasons - is completely out of order and what she said was incredibly cruel and, frankly, ignorant.
I agree...this is about something else.
I would be very concerned if she would attempt to hit you, an adult, what she would do with your children if they upset her?

Viviennemary Tue 15-Dec-15 11:45:14

Maybe your Mum did overreact but the point is you sound a bit ungrateful for all the help you are getting. Maybe they're just a bit fed up of always having to be there while your off on some mercy mission. She didn't hit you so don't make a drama out of it.

MarianneSolong Tue 15-Dec-15 11:46:43

It sounds as though you are upset about your son and your mother, and about the way your mother is being about your son. Which is quite a lot. There are other parts of this site where you can get more informed support if you want it re your son...

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:46:44

Husband and v good friend (different circle to old school friends) thinks there's something else going on and she's furious. I'm mystified.

The friend I visited is going through some awful personal problems. We were each other's bridesmaids, godmother to each other's children etc, we go way back and our parents were friends. My mum said she thought I was going to see her "for a nice break" which clearly I don't deserve.

Whatevva Tue 15-Dec-15 11:47:31

Maybe she is seeing you going away to the friend as wrong.
Abandoning your 'duties' and letting your husband do stuff as wrong.
Feeling defensive about being caught folding your DH's knickers.

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:49:39

Over my dead body would I ask her for any help now.

Quickhelp1 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:50:23

Yes I think you're right Whatevva. I'm judged and found wanting.

reni2 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:50:43

My instinct would be to get out of this poisonous relationship with her, disengage, accept no more help, a courteous visit for boxing day and birthdays perhaps. Unless there is something else going on, she might be ill, but if not, much more distance seems a good thing.

ApologiesToInsectLife Tue 15-Dec-15 11:51:18

Maybe this is an opportunity to establish some new boundaries with her. First thing will be not to make contact with her and let her come to you with an apology. Your dad is obviously not going to be a help here, he's probably been enabling her behaviour for years.

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