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How long after marriage ending is it acceptable to announce new relationship?

(27 Posts)
etttvatre Tue 15-Dec-15 10:33:58

I told my husband at the end of October I wanted a divorce and I moved out end of November. I was really looking forward to being single for a couple of years.

However, I 'accidentally' bumped in to a man mid November and we have been seeing each other pretty much every day since. Sparks are flying when we're together (cheesy much?) and I am really falling for him, as is he for me.

We've now been seeing each other for a month and are keeping this relationship secret for now. But how long should I wait until I can tell people I've met him? Two months? Three months? Six months?

I'm not too keen on having a 'secret' relationship but everything is very raw still with the separation so know I have to wait a while yet...

summerainbow Tue 15-Dec-15 10:53:05

Any kids involved ?

riverboat1 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:54:33

I don't think there is a rule. My DP and his ex split amicably after 9 years and a child together. She met a new man very quickly, moved in with him and soon had another baby on the way (ten years later they are still together with a very solid marriage). It all worked out fine because she and DP were still friends, trusted each other as parents.

But...is that likely to be the case for you? Are you amicable with your ex? What consequences are you afraid of, negative judgement from who? Your friends? Your family? Your ex and his family? Or are you projecting your own feelings and worries onto others because YOU feel you've moved too fast?

I would consider not hiding your relationship but not announcing it as something serious until later down the line.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 15-Dec-15 10:55:00

What does the 'accidentally' in your post mean?

SeoulSista Tue 15-Dec-15 10:55:21

What does "accidentally" mean? That he was waiting on the sidelines for you to leave you Husband? Or something else entirely.

SeoulSista Tue 15-Dec-15 10:55:58

X-posts there

Arfarfanarf Tue 15-Dec-15 10:56:32

which people?

If third parties, it's got bugger all to do with them and you tell them when you want to. Or not at all. You don't owe them an announcement.

If you have children then that's different. They need time to adjust and perhaps better in the short term (length depending on age and how they're taking the separation) to keep things low key.

If your ex, then that again depends on the children and should be tied in with that.

firesidechat Tue 15-Dec-15 11:00:45

"Accidentally"?

Whatever you do people will assume you were having a relationship before the breakup. You can tell them in 6 months if you like, but they will still ask how long you have been seeing each other for anyway. If you say you broke up in October and got together with new man in November they will draw their own conclusions.

firesidechat Tue 15-Dec-15 11:01:54

Children would be another matter entirely and you couldn't be too cautious where children are concerned.

IrianofWay Tue 15-Dec-15 11:02:14

I would also like to know the meaning of 'accidentally'.....

Potatoface2 Tue 15-Dec-15 11:11:39

so you told your husband at the end of october, didnt move out until the END of november, and 'accidentally' met a man MID november....all in the last 6 weeks.....yeah....okay....are you asking for permission if this is okay?.....if you have to ask on here i think you know what the answer is!

Threefishys Tue 15-Dec-15 11:34:26

If you've been seeing each other only a month, don't worry its not a relationship its shagging (accidental or otherwise). Wait til it has legs longer than four weeks until you start calling it a relationship and announce it shortly after that.

etttvatre Tue 15-Dec-15 12:31:39

By 'accidentally' I mean I really wasn't looking for anyone, but met this man and can just feel it's right so don't want to let it go just because it's too soon.

And by 'announcing' I mean letting my ex know, it would be the right thing to do. I feel like I should tell him before it gets to him from someone else. I want to be able to just go to the pub for a drink, or out for a meal, without feeling like it's something I need to hide.

There are children involved but I will not be introducing them to him for at least 6 months so that's not what I'm worried about.

Threefishys Tue 15-Dec-15 12:45:24

Again OP, you're not in a relationship yet are you? It's four weeks. and generally unless you've sworn off sex and love for life, a good indicator that you might want to explore other options is splitting with your current partner so I suspect precisely nobody would be surprised if they saw you with someone else in a pub etc. So just go about your business and if he finds out he finds out, he's going to think whatever he thinks either way. Don't go making a grand gesture of announcing a four week dalliance though - it could well blow up in your face. (Also it feels so right because you've just left something that was feeling wrong, proceed with caution)

wannaBe Tue 15-Dec-15 14:01:29

I'm guessing that your marriage wasn't in a good place for some time before you asked for a divorce. Either way, you don't owe anyone any explanations wrt seeing anyone else at this stage. You are separated, therefore you are entitled to be seen out with whoever you want.

Are you and your ex amicable/ is he likely to take a new man in your life badly? Esp so soon after the split? Did the split come as a shock to him or did you both see it coming? All these things can make a difference to how you communicate going forward.

This man could well be your rebound relationship. Don't take it too seriously at this stage and have fun.

ohdearymeee Tue 15-Dec-15 14:08:55

I thought my split was amicable until I met someone a few months after I'd moved out then all hell broke loose, as far as I was concerned I was living separately so I could do what I wanted and it was none of anyone elses business..

ColdWhiteWinePlease Tue 15-Dec-15 14:26:23

I'd wait for a good few months yet. Especially if you left ExH. I left my ExH and very quickly met someone else. I didn't want to hurt him, so I kept it quiet for as long as possible. Definitely don't do it at Christmas. Maybe see how it's going around March?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 15-Dec-15 14:29:38

So you "accidentally" bumped into this bloke two weeks after you told your husband you wanted a divorce, started seeing him two weeks before you left the marital home at the end of November (because you say you've been seeing him for a month) and have pretty much seen each other every day for that month?

I'm with PotatoFace on this one.

If this is totally above board, the likelihood is that this is some rebound thing and you're all infatuated. Personally, I tend to think a period alone after a failed marriage is a good thing, but we're not all the same. You are, of course, free to do what you want but I don't think after 4 weeks I'd be declaring a relationship as it could all end at the start of the new year (when many, many do finish, for some reason) and you may feel foolish for having told anyone. And then you probably will want some time alone.

Arfarfanarf Tue 15-Dec-15 14:42:22

ok, well, atm you've just been on a few dates. I don't really think you need to announce it to anyone, not even your ex.

I am sure he's probably looking around too. I wouldn't expect him to fill you in on every woman he takes to dinner.

Just carry on seeing this bloke. If it turns into something - after the initial flush of lust has worn off grin - then is the time to consider with your ex a policy on how to, when to or if to introduce new people to the children.

LaurieLemons Tue 15-Dec-15 14:57:36

How are you seeing each other every day without involving the kids? It is quite soon I'd just take things slowly, if you think your ex will be happy for you then no need to hide things.

TeaFathers Tue 15-Dec-15 15:19:09

you don't owe your husband anything. soon he won't be your husband any more anyway.
do whatever you want.
its no-one else's business.

etttvatre Wed 16-Dec-15 09:26:11

We have been seeing each other every day...I work from home so he comes around at lunch time every day (I don't feed always feed him so it's not just a free lunch lol) and he comes around in the evenings after the DC's are in bed. He is not still looking around.

But I agree, it could be a rebound. Too early to say. I just don't like walking around hiding things!

Me and my H are amicable and he could see this separation coming from a long way away too. But not sure he'd be too happy about me having met someone new already.

You're all right though, I'll keep it under the radar for another few months.

Shinyhappypeople9 Wed 16-Dec-15 09:36:52

I'd slow down a bit if I were you. All sounds very rushed and with kids involved I would be very wary about this.

Atomik Wed 16-Dec-15 11:20:36

For me ?

A significant amount of time, the exact length being defined by my child's needs.

Parental separation often means emotional upheaval, changes in routines, habits, presence of usually there humans, moods. Plus there's the impact of others' reactions when they hear your domestic universe just altered. All of those can have a profound effect on children. And not necessarily in the immediate vicinity of the split. It can come out weeks, or months later.

I would want to keep myself free from any unnecessary mental, or emotional distractions so I could focus on my son, his transition to the "new normal" and any fluctuations that came with it.

I know me. I am human. With something new and exciting I could well convince myself I was doing my best for my son, but the chances are my eye would be off the ball at least some of the time.

Given that my son probably wouldn't have had any voice/power/vote in the splitting up of his parents, I reckon I'd owe him all my free attention (left over from work, and all the other stuff life means you just have to do, whatever the circumstances), as undivided as possible.

I'd expect the same of DH.

MacFox Wed 16-Dec-15 11:27:42

It depends. Good answer from Atomik.

No kids involved obviously but when I read Rory McElroy's engagement in the paper the other day I found myself thinking "would it have killed him to have waited 'til 2016 to announce that?"!!

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