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Should I be more obvious?

(32 Posts)
lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:22:53

Morning all,

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks, I like him a lot, I fancy him.

Our first date confirmed we fancied each other, lets just say it went pretty damn well.

Next few dates were day time dates so pretty civilised, last date was on Friday, he came over, we chilled in front of the tv and I gave him a massage, but of kissing.

I didn't make a move because he's been working crazy hours the last week or so (he's a builder) and mentions often how tired he is - so yknow I just wanted to make him feel good and to relax.

I'm starting to think he might be a bit insecure. He is a confident person, but has anyone come across a guy that appears confident, then when they like you they literally need you to spell it out to them and make first moves sometimes?

I can't think when I've ever really had to make the first move before, but I guess I'll step up and do it if he's a bit nervous or unsure if I like him.

Don't want this to just fizzle out if I could just step up and be obvious with him instead.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this before? And were they pleased when you took control?

Whenischristmas Tue 15-Dec-15 10:32:58

I'm not sure what you mean by 'massage, but of kissing' but I would say it would be pretty obvious to him that you liked him and wanted to take things further.

I don't see why you should be spelling it out as you put it. It's not like he is a long term friend. You have already been on a date.

I wouldn't be going all out to make him feel better because he's tired. He should be making an effort with you. If he's complaining he's tired and you are fussing over him giving him massages at this stage of the relationship, I would say don't bother, it doesn't bode well.

What you mean is you don't know why he's not ripping your clothes off. I don't either. Maybe to give him the benefit of the doubt, see him one more time, but he should be falling over himself to impress you. I couldn't be arsed myself.

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Dec-15 10:34:58

This is odd. Four dates in and no kissing? Because he's tired?

Move on I reckon.

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:42:26

Sorry that was a typo - massage and kissing/cuddling in bed.

Mmm I suppose trying to make him feel better because he's tired was a bit too nice.

On friday it felt like we both wanted to make a move, but we didn't.

I've noticed, from the past, that when I like someone, I don't let on really. I've no idea why, I'll want to kiss them or something, but I won't JUST IN CASE they reject me. Pretty silly.

My ex once said he thought I didn't like him for weeks when he was pursuing me - and not in that 'hard to get' way.

After our first date (with new guy) we were texting and I mentioned that I had fun the previous evening and he was like "You did? I wasn't sure if you were feeling a friend vibe" whereas I thought it was obvious I had fun with him.

Sod it, one more meet up, I'll be really obvious, and if nothing, next.

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 15-Dec-15 10:51:13

From what you say, it sounds like you could be more open and willing to face rejection.

And so should he.

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Dec-15 10:51:52

Ok now I'm really confused. What do you mean by making a move? You've already reached heavy petting in bed?

Threefishys Tue 15-Dec-15 10:52:57

He sounds too tired for sex. Only continue of you like watching him sleep.

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:56:29

Well, make another move - all moves previously came from him, wondering if he's worried I'm not into it/see him as a friend now.

I don't want it to slip into friend zone territory so I was just interested to see if anyone else had come across a guy not that confident with women?

I should be more open and willing to face rejection, might have missed out on something over the years by not being open to it.

I'll make a move that makes it glaringly obvious I want him and if nothing, next.

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:57:54

Threefishys - That's the only reason why I didn't make a move on Friday, he had to be up at 5am to work.

maras2 Tue 15-Dec-15 10:58:14


Whenischristmas Tue 15-Dec-15 11:00:00

You were in bed kissing and cuddling and giving him a massage. You don't need to make a move! By that stage it should be a spontaneous reciprocal thing.

Threefishys Tue 15-Dec-15 11:00:16

Exactly! If he's too tired then what happens to your needs? Next!!

blatantplacemark Tue 15-Dec-15 11:02:24

How weird. Never heard the like of it. I'd move on

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Dec-15 11:02:29

How could snogging in bed be interpreted as friends only? You're already intimate with this guy. Was he, er, into it?

misslemonsfilingcabinet Tue 15-Dec-15 12:26:30

Really! I seem to be out on a limb here, but you've only been seeing each other a few weeks, he has initiated things so far, you got as far as "heavy petting" in bed. He probably doesn't want to pressure you. He is obviously very into you. Sometimes guys can't win. I'd relax about it and next time you end up in this position suggest taking it further, or something?
My take on it is he likes you and is letting you dictate the pace. Good luck, sounds good.

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 13:48:18

Yes, I should be confident and just show that I like him, and wish to get physical.

I think he likes me, wouldn't spend any time with me if he didn't I guess!

Threefishys Tue 15-Dec-15 14:06:35

Of course he likes you he's just too tired for sex , I bet my life on it...which is fine with you as long as he likes you? In which case happy days!!

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 14:22:11

Yeah, he must like me, rushed right over when I invited him.

Was just a bit thrown by his 'friend vibe' comment and with him being a bit timid since.

Drew64 Tue 15-Dec-15 14:53:32

So a guy is, thoughtful, sensitive, does not want to make the first move, does not want to presume after a 4th date that you want sex, would rather you make your own mind up in your own time......

And everyone thinks it's wrong and to dump him?


TheBlessedCheesemaker Tue 15-Dec-15 16:01:13

I dated a guy like this once. And i am pretty straightforward and confident, so it was a real shock to have a guy not respond, well, enthusiastically, when it was clear i was ready to move forward.

Turns out he had very big issues around sex itself. We eventually did the deed but i had moved too quickly for him and made the issues even worse for him, and I cringe to think of how insensitive id been to not pick up that mentally he was nowhere near as confident as i was about it all, despite him being on the surface uber-alpha (he was a TV presenter, super-gregarious, wildly charming). The relationship pretty much fell to pieces after that, although we both tried.

So my advice, if you are into him, is to go with the flow and don't push it too hard. He may be gay, may be shy, may just have been brought up to do things differently. Or he may have issues. Going slow won't harm anything, going fast might.

lucy4113 Tue 15-Dec-15 17:29:59

Aw I wouldn't dump him for that.

We had sex on our first date (booze fuelled and again when hungover) which is when he wasn't sure if I had fun when he texted the next day, said I did.

Since then he's been pretty timid. Thinking he's sensitive though, and a bit analytical maybe?

blatantplacemark Tue 15-Dec-15 18:56:38

Oh my god!! A bit timid?! I've heard it all now. Look, you're getting signs from him that aren't particularly promising if you want a full on passionate love job with him. You can sense that hence why you've posted

Whenischristmas Tue 15-Dec-15 19:23:16

What? I'm really confused now. So you have actually already had sex anyway?

Cabrinha Tue 15-Dec-15 19:36:55

How much more obvious do you want to be than having actual, you know, SEX with him?

I don't know what's going on with him, but I can tell you it's not that he isn't well aware you are open to having sex. You already have, then you spent an even touching and kissing him in bed!

Cabrinha Tue 15-Dec-15 19:41:39

I'd actually rethink your first date strategy too. Not so much the sex part (whatever, no judgement here) but the booze fuelled part. You came away from that having had sex with him twice but not knowing if he saw you as just a friend, not knowing if he was timid (hardly sounds like it!!)... Alcohol to the point of hangovers on a first date isn't a great idea IMO.

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