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DD ,sadness, guilt and anger

(13 Posts)
tiddlyipom Tue 15-Dec-15 10:02:14

Please can anyone advise me about my DD?
I'm posting in desperation.
She is an adult, almost 30 and single.
She moved out at 20, she was taking drugs, drinking a lot, staying out for days at a time with no contact.We asked her to leave after an episode where she left drugs on the floor of her bedroom, which was accessible to our then toddler DS.
She asked to move back in for a few weeks after an incident in her shared house where some of her things were stolen.Five years later...she moved out again.Me, DH and our two other DC had been away on holiday.
When we got back, the house was filthy, food had been left out, there was evidence of mice.
She had cleaned nothing.She had slept in our bed.Her friends had slept in our children's beds. Empty booze bottles everywhere.
In the ensuing argument, she called me a fucking cunt.For leaving her behind and going on holiday.At this point, she was 25 years old, had a full time job.
The holiday was over 7 weeks long, we could not have funded that for her anyway.
She moved out again after this to live with her boyfriend, all seemed well until earlier this year when she turned up one morning threatening suicide.
Since then, we've taken her to the doctor and hospital, got her a psychologist, encouraged her to go to a support group, encouraged her to talk.
Now the hard part.
She has been diagnosed with depression and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Her behaviour is such that I really don't like her a lot of the time.I will probably be flamed for that but I cant say it out loud to anyone, I feel shit for feeling it, but I can't help how I feel.
Emotionally, she has always been very childlike in her actions and thoughts.
She cant plan ahead, unless it's for fun, she doesn't want to engage.
She lies, a lot.
She is really horrible to me, in particular, also my middle DC.
She has said some really dreadful things to me, which although I know it's her illness making her say them, really hurt.
She is getting a lot of government benefits, around $1000 per month, we are taking no money from her, she has contributed one bottle of shower gel this year.
I'm feeling so low, she has got no better, in fact, I think she is worse since she moved in with us I don't know what to do for her anymore.
Sorry, this is long.There is much more I could write, but I'll stop now.

I'm sure that some of the posters who have experience of borderline personality disorder will be along soon, but in the meantime brew for you. The situation sounds very hard, but you sound like you are trying to do your best for all members of your family. Are there any local support groups for people with borderline personality disorder and their families? It could help to talk to others in the same situation. Otherwise carry on venting here flowers

BarbarianMum Tue 15-Dec-15 10:29:27

I can advise you but it may not be what you want to hear.

If you want to support your dd for the long-term (and she will always need support) then she needs not to live with you. This is because you need to have a safe, restful space into which to retreat and because you need to put clear boundaries and limitations in place as to when and how you will support her. You need a life beyond her.

If you can get her settled nearby and gain back some space, you will find it easier to support her and to create a more enjoyable relationship. Then you can get to the hard bit: accepting that this is who she is, accepting that your relationship may not be what you want, accepting that her life will (probably) not be what you want for her.

BPD sucks but it can be treated (not to cure but to help the person affected cope better with life). Would your dd consider treatment?

tiddlyipom Tue 15-Dec-15 10:33:10

Thank you for replying, I did join an online support group which has been quite helpful, in so far as knowing that there are other people going through the same thing.
Just feeling today, that I can't see a way out, or how she is ever going to be able to be independent.

BarbarianMum Tue 15-Dec-15 10:37:57

<<I can't see a way out, or how she is ever going to be able to be independent.>>

She may never be totally indepenent but she could live separately maybe? Put gas/electric/rent on dd so paid directly. Do online food orders with her weekly so there is always food. Regular help with cleaning/washing (and also accept that her standards may not be close to yours?

It may also be worth contacting MIND to see if they can advise you of any day to day support that may be available to her beyond your family (there may not beunfortunately but doesn't hurt to ask).

tiddlyipom Tue 15-Dec-15 10:51:07

You are right Barbarianmum, when she lived away, our relationship was good.My guilt in part, is that I don't want her here.I try to hide it, but I'm sure she must pick up on it, that makes me feel more guilty.
We are very different personalities indeed, I think the hard part for me is that I feel so frustrated with her all the time, it's as if she doesn't feel any need to mature and get better because someone has always dug her out of a hole in the past.
We have given her rent and grocery money in the past also paid some of her credit card bill, we are fortunate in that we could help her financially but I feel that us giving her the cash makes her less likely to budget for herself.
For context, in her last job, she had earnings of around $50k a year and had minimal outgoings. She spent the lot on going out and treating her friends.

TheDayIBroke Wed 16-Dec-15 22:11:07

tiddlyipom

My teen daughter has just recently in the last 2 weeks been diagnosed with this. She has also left home as our relationship was just unbearable. Such disrespect for her father and I, lack of respect for our things and even her own things, awful words said to us. I know exactly how you feel when you say you don't like her very much - it's hard.

I'm sick of walking on eggshells around her, wondering if something we say will be taken in offence and she'll "turn" on us. I've often said to her that she needs to want to get better, but whatever we say, she'll do the opposite as we're "nagging" or "annoying". When she lived with us, our house was a wreck and any attempts to get her to clean her mess would set her off (or met with the word "no").

My username came from the day I realised that I could no longer go on living my life trying to save her from her behaviour. I feel utterly bereft because I don't know how to fix this. I know I can't, but I cannot switch off the part of me that wants to sweep her up and protect her. When I think about her, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

Now I just have to convince CAMHS to give her the right therapy (the one their psychiatrist said she should have). Her therapists seem to want to give her a very watered down version of it, mixed with something else, which won't be effective.

I know your pain, fear, confusion, helplessness, frustration, anger, sadness and despair. We've been robbed of "what should have been" for our daughters - happiness, normality, stability.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. <holding your hand>

choccycornflakecakes Thu 17-Dec-15 20:16:30

Hi Tiddly this must be incredibly hard to handle. And draining.
You mentioned your DD has been diagnosed with BPD; did she have an assessment with a cons. psychiatrist or someone within the NHS trust you live in? (Sorry if you've mentioned this and I've missed it!).
I think also, unless I'm wrong, they refer to it these days as being 'emotional disregulation' rather than borderline. But as I say, it may vary between professionals.

Also with regards to therapy..if she has been refered by your GP into the care of a psychiatrist/MH team, have they offered her therapy?
In my (unqualified and personal) opinion, I think therapy is hugely helpful with BPD..a newish type called dialectical behavioural therapy, which incorporates mindfulness, is tailor made in a sense for BPD.
But sorry, waffling. It's so important to look after yourself and echoing PP's; I do think your daughter living away from home (but not too far away!) would be so beneficial and you would still be able to provide the support, but also to have your own 'safe' place to recharge your own batteries.

It really is up to her to make the changes, which she can do and again in my (unqualified) opionion she has more mental power and ability to change her behaviours than for instance if she was suffering with another disorder.

You sound like a brilliant and supportive mum, btw have you researched BPD? research suggests that a relatively high proportion of people diagnosed quite organically 'grow out of it' in their thirties or at least display less behaviours.

Hope you're also okay the dayl

tiddlyipom Fri 18-Dec-15 14:43:32

Thanks for those messages, ThedayIbroke and choccy,sorry for the late reply, I've had a mad couple of days and not been on here.
To answer a couple questions, we are not in the UK, so there is are different pathways for dealing with MH issues.
Her GP had diagnosed her with depression and she is medicated for that, however she doesn't present as depressed people do, in my experience.
She is seeing a psychologist and has was recently assessed by the psychiatrist at our local hospital, I think it was the psychiatrist who diagnosed her PD.
She had a letter recently from the hospital which told her to go to her GP to be referred for therapy to help with management of her particular issues, however, she is reluctant to accept the diagnosis of a PD.
I think she wants to stick her head in the sand and hope it all goes away by itself.
You nailed it ThedayIbroke, that's exactly how I feel . I'm glad I'm not alone but sorry that there are others going through this too, it's so shit for everyone.
So sad for her, worried about her ability to function independently too.
I will have a look at info about the dialectical behaviour therapy, it's not something I've heard of, so thank you for that.

schlong Fri 18-Dec-15 21:31:20

Why are you so resentful of your daughter? How come she was left at home for the holiday yet your other dc were taken? Was her rage at being left behind not justified? Convenient to label her mentally ill without analyzing your own shitty attitudes to her.

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 18-Dec-15 21:43:43

BPD can be treated. It can be managed. DBT, STEPPS and Stairways are useful treatments, along with medication to help in the meantime.

However, to change, she is going to need your support.

BPD is a condition caused by trauma in the vast majority of cases. Whether she has told you what it causing her self destructive behaviour or not, it is being fueled by some things which she herself may not understand. People with BPD attack those closest to them; she is testing you to make sure you love her.

The book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" can really help you understand, and her, when she's ready to.

tiddlyipom Fri 18-Dec-15 23:29:54

Well, schlong, she was 25 years old when we went on that holiday.So an adult, with a full time job, not enough holiday entitlement to come anyway, as sge had used hers to go on holiday with her boyfriend. As you do, when you are an adult.
I think there comes a point when as an adult, you do not go on every holiday that your Mum and Dad go on.
My other DC were actual children, being 10 and under, so, yeah, we took them with us.
I have not labeled her mentally ill, her GP, psychologist and psychiatrist did that.
Isn't schlong another word for Dick?
Suits you.

tiddlyipom Fri 18-Dec-15 23:37:04

Thank you Voldy, I'll try to track down that book.
She has our full support, in all ways.
The only thing we have asked if her is to engage fully and truthfully with her health professionals in the hope that she can develop the tools to cope, to recognise how her responses and reactions affect her in her day to day life and to learn how to manage them so that she can function better.

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