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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this cheating?

29 replies

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 22:01

Please read all its not long

At the start of my relationship, after three days I made the mistake of complimenting another girl, in a sexual way, commenting on her breasts, very shallow I know, my girlfriend knows about this, I couldn't deal with the guilt, I hated myself I'd never do it again

However. I seem to remember myself talking to a girl and I asked her if she would ever cheat on her boyfriend, she said no. And for some reason I had the intention to ask "not even with me". I never did ask that, as I realised I was stupid, I know it wasn't after I complimented that other girl because I'd never be able to do anything against her like that again, but I just can't remember if it was before we were together or whilst we were. I forgot this for a few months but in a daydream I remembered it again and it's killing me.

I feel so so so guilty, i love her to pieces I love spending every second with her and haven't spoken to a girl at all since then, I don't want to, I love everything about my girlfriend and I'd never cheat, she told me she wouldn't leave me if I did but i just simply wouldn't, I couldn't do that to her. She's my world, is this cheating? Should I tell her or let it go? I don't want to hurt her, please believe me

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pocketsaviour · 14/12/2015 22:12

How old are you?

What "rules" have you put in place in this relationship, around behaviour with other people? EG is flirting, kissing, sexting, erotic dancing, webcamming, mutual masturbation, oral sex, vaginal or anal sex - which of these are off limits and which are okay? This is something that each couple need to discuss and agree, because we all have different boundaries and expectations.

Joysmum · 14/12/2015 22:16

Cheating means different things to different people.

Rule of thumb is that you've done something your partner would approve of within the relationship and know they wouldn't want you to do.

For those in open relationships, full sex wouldn't be cheating, for others flirting or a kiss would be cheating. It depends on the boundaries you know your partner would expect you to keep to.

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 22:32

We are in an open relationship, I think she would be hurt if she found out, but she would forgive me in time, but I don't want to be forgiven, I don't want to tell her because I don't want her feeling any hurt, we have been together 5 months, I'm not even sure if it was when we were together, I have OCD so it's not helping in this situation, I just need to know if it's something she deserves to know

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hownottofuckup · 14/12/2015 22:38

Did you mean open as in other sexual liaisons allowed? Surely its a moot point if you did. Either way you are massively over Thinking this. You don't need to inform her of your every thought.

sinber · 14/12/2015 22:38

I'd be a bit wary of someone telling me that if I cheated they would forgive me.

How is this an open relationship?

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 22:44

I'm sorry, I got confused, we are in a committed relationship, we are not with anyone else, no flirting, sex or anything like that is permitted, she didn't say it's fine for you to go out and cheat, she just said she would more than likely forgive me. I'm not trying to use OCD for an excuse but like, it makes it harder to remember because if there's not certainty there's always a doubt, I know it wouldn't be after the first mistake I made, so it's just the case of whether it was before or after we got together, it's so troubling

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SoWhite · 14/12/2015 22:45

How old are you though? It will affect my answer.

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 22:46

19

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CatMilkMan · 14/12/2015 22:50

Take a deep breath and forget about it, don't waste time and just enjoy your relationship.

whatdoIget · 14/12/2015 22:52

I was wondering whether you had ocd when I read your first post. It's quite possible that the ocd is making you obsess about this and have intrusive thoughts. Without meaning to be rude, are you sure these things definitely happened?

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 22:55

I just feel like I have done something terrible against her and she deserves to know, it's very heavy on my conscience, I am sure it happened, I just have no hope of knowing when as my OCD makes it virtually impossible to believe it happened at a certain date.

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Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 14/12/2015 22:59

I'm not sure which is odder, the fact that you commented on a woman's breasts or that you are obsessing about the need to tell your girlfriend every single thought.

Don't sweat it. Just try to keep the creepy comments to a minimum and then you won't have anything to feel guilty about.

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 23:03

I know, I guess I just wasn't used to being with someone as I was single for two years before this relationship, I'd never comment on, talk to or even look at a girl now, I'm too infatuated by my girlfriend, I love her so much

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whatdoIget · 14/12/2015 23:04

Are you getting some help with the OCD? The only thing you can do is relax and try and enjoy your relationship, and if you don't make any inappropriate comments, then you won't need to worry about when they were

whatdoIget · 14/12/2015 23:04

Cross post!

janaus · 14/12/2015 23:07

If you wouldnt do it, or say it in front of your current partner, girlfriend, I would consider it a form of cheating, maybe emotional.

You know it was not the right thing to do. But you were wise enough to not let it go any further. Please don't torture yourself.
Be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself. Give girlfriend a big hug, but really no need to upset her. Enjoy your relationship.

Beepeear · 14/12/2015 23:16

how can I just forget it? It's so hard

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Morganly · 14/12/2015 23:23

It's not really OK to make any remark to a girl about her breasts unless you are in a relationship with her. You call it a compliment but she might have been offended. Thinking in your head that a girl has attractive breasts is perfectly normal and healthy but not to say it aloud to her.

Similarly, with the remark which you didn't say to the other girl. Absolutely fine to think it, not OK to say it. And you didn't say it so I think you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I don't think you are cheating your girlfriend in any way. I think you are having perfectly normal thoughts about attractive women you meet but you are not acting on those thoughts because you love your girlfriend.

You are a young man and young men find young women sexually attractive (actually, so do older men but probably not quite as frequently or powerfully). This is normal. Your girlfriend will find other young men attractive too. The way you both show your commitment to your relationship is by understanding that the benefits you get from being in a loving relationship outweigh fleeting sexual desire.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 15/12/2015 03:34

I made the mistake of complimenting another girl, in a sexual way, commenting on her breasts

Just for future reference, this is not a compliment.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/12/2015 04:03

I think what is going on in your head is little to do with your girlfriend and much to do with your mental health. Are you getting support to manage the ocd?

Hurr1cane · 15/12/2015 05:01

It's ok. Just leave it, put it all behind you, and start again.

You sound a lot like my best friend, so much so that I thought you were him until I saw the age.

Do you often say things that aren't socially appropriate without thinking and then beat yourself up about them afterwards?

Were you drunk during the exchanges?

Beepeear · 15/12/2015 06:53

This was at the start of our relationship, if it even was when we were together, we're 5 months in now and I haven't thought of it for months, I guess it's just my OCD making me overthink it, but reading what you guys have said, I didn't act on it and I knew it wasn't right etc so I should just learn, which I have, i was just immature at the time I guess but being with her has made me get myself together and j know I'll never do anything bad against her again, she's made her mistakes too, but I just don't want it to be a points game

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RedMapleLeaf · 15/12/2015 06:57

Points game? I'm not sure that's a healthy way to think.

Beepeear · 15/12/2015 06:58

I know. That's why I don't want it to get to that like some relationships, where they think, they did something to me that means I can do something back to them, I'd rather just move on and actually get somewhere

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Beepeear · 15/12/2015 07:05

All in all guys, do you think I cheated and/or is this something she NEEDS to know, would you want to know if you was her?

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