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Opinions on this family matter please!

(8 Posts)
smileyforest Mon 14-Dec-15 17:23:36

Never really had brilliant relationship with my Mum and my Dad quite controlling, wouldn't call it a loving marriage. They 'stuck' with it as that generation often did.
I cant go into everything as would be here all eve.
My youngest son is currently ill (see other posts). Its devastating to see and emotionally draining. My son is from my second marriage (divorced). My Dad 'hated' my second husband and both my parents had little to do with my two youngest sons from that marriage. It hurt me terribly and as my boys grew up, they remembered and realised that really my parents weren't grandparents to them. I divorced because the marriage was difficult (exh aspergers) and at times abusive. Parents never visited, never took an interest until I managed to divorce after 16years.
My parents are very critical, never praised, favoured my older brother etc.
My two youngest boys are quite bright like their Father, this was always critisised, It has always been about my older brothers kids....neither of them went to uni(not that it mattered) but the thought of my two youngest boys doing well and going to uni really agitated my Dad. As it is my youngest is now ill after experiencing with drugs(another story) and I have a 'different son'.I dont know the prognosis yet.
its all very upsetting. Now suddenly my parents have become 'interested', and Im finding it difficult to accept their 'care'. I couldnt help but tell him. Shame they didnt show interest when they were small boys!! Just before my youngest son became ill, he talked about the lack of love from grandparents and it grieves me!!
They were supposed to be coming for Xmas, but they rang and said 'oh its all too much for you'....My reply was, that its was their choice. All my children and two small grandchildren will be here but I cant say for sure that I wont find the day emotional. (was my young sons fav time of year, he may be with his DaD) Since then, NC from my Mum and but of a rift. I'm just sick of all the years of not speaking my mind to my parents....My relationship with my own children is so different!

Sometimes I wish I had NC with parents as they feel very toxic.....though could it be partly my fault?

smileyforest Mon 14-Dec-15 19:03:37


tribpot Mon 14-Dec-15 19:10:57

It's tragic that you could write all that and then conclude "could it be partly my fault?" - how?

I am very concerned that they just want to 'feed' off your current difficulty, because they like it when you or your kids are doing less well than your brother and his. I don't believe there is any genuine sympathy there as I don't think they are capable of it.

What is stopping you from going NC now with your parents? I just don't see how they will contribute positively to getting through your son's illness. In this period of crisis you need to batten down the hatches and get through the storm.

I think they've done you a favour by opting out of Christmas Day. For now you don't even really need to make the decision about NC, just ignore them and focus on your own family and their needs.

Hope you get some more positive news about your son soon.

smileyforest Mon 14-Dec-15 20:04:09

Thankyou for your reply. Yes...why did I say that at the end? I always end up blamming myself for some reason. But the truth speaks for itself.

tribpot Mon 14-Dec-15 20:15:06

Well, don't blame yourself for blaming yourself grin You've been programmed to think that it must be your fault for years, it will take a long time to overcome that.

RatherBeRiding Mon 14-Dec-15 21:17:59

Sounds like you would have a better Christmas without them anyway. You don't need them, your children don't need them, they are negative, critical, hostile, not good parents. That's not your fault - it's their fault.

I also don't believe they have any genuine sympathy - rather they are probably enjoying that your son is having a tough time. Why would you want people like that round you and your family at Christmas? Or any other time, come to that.

Take a step back from them. Get on with your life and don't give a thought for their opinions. Liberate yourself from seeking their approval, and you don't have to accept their care you know.

NC may well be the way forward, or at least very reduced and cool and distant contact.

pocketsaviour Mon 14-Dec-15 22:01:18

I agree that they've actually done you a favour by not coming on Xmas day. Surely you will all have a better time without them?

Have you read much around controlling/toxic parents? This book by Dan Neuharth is a good place to start.

smileyforest Tue 15-Dec-15 08:25:40

Will order that book, thankyou x

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