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Have they damage me for good?

(6 Posts)
tobbay Mon 14-Dec-15 17:10:40

Hi has anyone felt like this and managed to be happy again?
I was in an EA marriage for 10yrs and been split for 4 yrs. During that time I've had one relationship (which I posted about) with a man who hasn't really ever really 100% wanted me, didn't particularly like my Son and was dismissive and nasty sometimes and used to belittle my parenting and my Sons. His excuse was he was 32 and had never had a relationship but that doesn't excuse a whole load of his behaviour.
Anyway, that is all but over and I have been asked out by 4 other men which I know I should think myself lucky as I'm 40! But......I feel numb to everything. The men who are interested are nice, decent guys who are more than happy to get to know my boys and take on a family and they are attentive and nice and complimentary but I feel nothing really. No butterflies, excitement and they are people I would normally fancy.
I'm wondering if after two pretty bad men my emotions and self esteem are so damaged that I can't love anymore? Or they are too nice and I feel I'm not worth it?

I'm not depressed, I have a great job and great children and laugh and enjoy things and have a positive outlook generally.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Should I just have a date with these men and see? I have seen two of them a few times and it's all nice but I come away not that excited and they are sending me texts saying I'm beautiful and they want to be in exclusive relationship with me but somehow I can't.

Any similar experiences? And how do I change so I can try to find a happy relationship?


Whenischristmas Mon 14-Dec-15 17:31:49

I've been in exactly your situation. I wasn't feeling anything for the men I met and started messing people around, arranging to meet then cancelling as just not feeling it.

I found I just needed some time on my own and have been single for a year now (bar the odd fling) for the first time in my life.

I just cannot be arsed with it all. Online dating is boring. I am enjoying the break. I might get together with a man again one day but only if I feel the excitement. No point otherwise.

You don't have to change to 'find a happy relationship.' I don't know why it took me so long to realise I could be quite happy all on my very own. Maybe you will find the same.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 14-Dec-15 17:48:07

It sounds to me like you're over-thinking, searching for fault within yourself, and also pushing too hard to achieve... something. (couplehood? proof that you are undamaged, maybe?)

Just let it go: You don't need to analyse why you are not into someone. You don't need to date anybody if you don't want to. You don't need to do ANYTHING that you don't want to do, really. I mean, keep paying your bills and taking care of any pets or children, of course. But beyond that, don't stress, don't sweat it. There is nothing you need to achieve here, other than just take care of yourself and live your own life.

If romantic relationships are causing you such angst and confusion, just give yourself a break from them and go do the things that bring you fulfilment and joy instead.

What's something in your life that brings you fulfilment and joy, that you might like to do more of?

tobbay Mon 14-Dec-15 18:42:02

I run alot and go to a gym in my spare time. I think I am worried if I don't take up one of these offers then I'll be left on my own and may have missed out on a great relationship..

RandomMess Mon 14-Dec-15 18:49:07

I think you're just not ready yet also I think you are still programmed to be attracted to men who would actually be EA towards you. Hence decent people come along and you don't get the butterflies...

Have you done the freedom programme? Have you actually had some therapy to let yourself explore how you really feel?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 14-Dec-15 20:06:15

I'm genuinely loving being on my own.

I can't be bothered with a relationship. Spend some time on your own and wait unti you meet someone you're actually interested in.

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