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should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

(130 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Lilipops Mon 14-Dec-15 17:10:18

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Dec-15 17:13:17

I am sorry to say I doubt that you will have to "tell" your daughter anything at all. She will be witnessing how bad things are in your marriage on a daily basis.

Also, your husband is a rapist. I am sorry.

TeaStory Mon 14-Dec-15 17:14:09

Except that isn't the truth about marriage. No-one should expect to be raped, not all women put up with it.

You don't have to, either.

honeysucklejasmine Mon 14-Dec-15 17:15:19

Erm... Your husband is raping you.

Certainly your mother is very very wrong.

But it would so be wrong to tell your daughter to expect the same. Teach her instead to not accept this sort of shit. A good first lesson would be to do that by getting rid of the awful man you are married to.

Please repost or have this thread moved to relationships. There are loads of lovely people who can help you tackle this in a safe way. flowers

tectonicplates Mon 14-Dec-15 17:15:43

I know it may be hard to believe, but not all marriages are like yours.

Okiedokiefanokie Mon 14-Dec-15 17:15:52

Marriage isn't like that. I've been very happily married for almost 20 years and have never been forced into sex, because that what he's doing to you. If you've said you don't want to, and he's gone ahead anyway, that my love is rape. He IS abusive and IMO the best thing you can do for your daughter is to get away from him and show her she doesn't have to put up with this shit. (

HappyJustToBe Mon 14-Dec-15 17:16:09

That isn't the truth and it isn't your fault. He knows you don't want to. Your forcefulness is not the issue.

alltouchedout Mon 14-Dec-15 17:16:32

Why the hell would you tell her this is what marriage is like? This is not what marriage is like. This is a horrible situation. Sex without consent is not "what marriage is like", it's rape.
Would you consider leaving him?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 14-Dec-15 17:16:41

Marriage or indeed any relationship shouldn't be like this. What you are experiencing is not normal and you should really review your situation.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:10

Coercing your wife into sex she doesn't want was made a crime in 1991.

He has no right to have sex on you. At all. He is a rapist.

pinkyredrose Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:13

Omg! Your husband is raping you. Please get out of this 'marraige'! Would you want your daughter to be married to a rapist?

OddSocksHighHeels Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:39

Oh no, this isn't what marriage should be sad he's raping you. That isn't ok or normal or to be expected.

Marriage and relationships aren't fairy tales but there should never be any abuse.

Lilipops Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:41

How do i do move it?

MaidOfStars Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:48

I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like

Your Mum is wrong. Very very wrong. It may be what her experience of marriage is, but it's not mine and I'd struggle to think of any of my female or male friends experiencing this in their own marriages.

Therefore, this is not a truth you should warn your daughter about.

Can you leave? Do you have any options here?

VulcanWoman Mon 14-Dec-15 17:18:21

Sorry you're going through this, you say he's not abusive and nasty but this is abuse and your mother is wrong. You don't have to live like this and your daughter doesn't have to witness this type of relationship, there is another way, another life, you deserve more, so does your daughter. Please get some help as soon as you can. You can get in touch with Women's Aid. Best wishes.

WitchWay Mon 14-Dec-15 17:18:40

so sad that your mother thinks this is normal & to be expected sad

Whatthefoxgoingon Mon 14-Dec-15 17:18:48

Marriage should be NOTHING like you've described. You are being repeatedly raped! Don't you ever, ever tell your daughter that this is normal. It's not, in any shape or form. Your mother is so wrong, I don't know where to begin. Please leave your so called husband.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Dec-15 17:19:02

Your mother trained you to accept an abusive marriage.

Don't pass that message along to your daughter.

Wombatinabathhat Mon 14-Dec-15 17:19:24

What you describe is NOT 'the truth about marriage'
You are married to a shit and you deserve better thanks

QueenofLouisiana Mon 14-Dec-15 17:19:28

Ummm- not all marriages are like that. We have been married 16 years, while it's not all roses and galloping on unicorns, DH and I still go out together and chat. Sex is certainly much less frequent due to tiredness, but it is still fulfilling for us both. We kiss daily.

Please don't tell her to expect a marriage with non-consentual sex- that's just rape by another name. She deserves better- and so do you. flowers

Lilipops Mon 14-Dec-15 17:19:59

Thank you,How do i move it?

SpanglesGalloway Mon 14-Dec-15 17:20:39

I'm shocked that you...and your DM...think that is a basic and normal marriage. It most certainly is not!!
Your dh is raping you. This is not a normal marriage and I would not recommend you set your dd up to expect that!

spankhurst Mon 14-Dec-15 17:20:51

It may have been what people had to put up with until the 1990s when rape in marriage was made illegal (though I'm sure 1000s didn't put up with it).
My and DH have drifted apart since having kids and have partly separate lives but he has never, ever forced himself on me and would be appalled at the thought.
You need to get yourself and your kids away from this situation. flowers

BadLad Mon 14-Dec-15 17:20:56

The truth about marriage is that nobody (in the UK, at least) has to stay in a marriage if they don't want to.

Tell her that, and show her.

OddSocksHighHeels Mon 14-Dec-15 17:24:58

Report your OP and ask for it to be moved.

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