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What happens next? Do we break up or...?

(12 Posts)
Cake0rdeath Sun 13-Dec-15 23:22:42

So DH and I just had a completely frank and pragmatic discussion regarding our rekationship, more specifically how unhappy we both are.
Since DS came along 2 years ago, we've prioritised him, work, house, bills...everything but our relationship. The upshot is that we have had limited physical intimacy (including kissing etc.) since DS was born. It started off as a result of tiredness but has now become ingrained habit. The little gestures to show affection have been replaced with sniping about petty things and ignoring each other while we work/watch TV/mess about on phones.
I've been feeling miserable for about the last year; don't get me wrong, there have been some good times, but these have largely been outweighed by general apathy and frustration.
Anyway it all came tumbling out tonight and we both agree that our relationship is on its last legs. Neither of us are sure we love each other enough to want to fix it (we hardly know each other anymore) and agree that our desire to stay together is mainly for practical reasons (DS/house etc.)
No one has cheated, no big fights...just a sense that we're wasting away living like this.
What's Next? Where do we go from here? How do we save it? (if that's the route we decide to take)

Please, I need help.

AnotherEmma Sun 13-Dec-15 23:30:09

How about couple's counselling eg Relate? It could help both of you work out whether you want to end the relationship or try to save it. If you want to end it, joint counselling could help with "closure" and moving forward. If you want to try saving it, joint counselling could be the thing that saves it.

FWIW I do think it could be salvageable if you both want to try and put a bit of effort in. No harm in trying, then if it doesn't work you can still split.

Good luck flowers

antimatter Sun 13-Dec-15 23:30:28

I would say try to fix it. Try to work at it.

Don't throw in your towel just yet.

Does your son sleep throughgthe night so uou can spend some time together after he is in bed?
Can you get a babysitter to go out?

gamerchick Sun 13-Dec-15 23:41:43

Quite honestly? I wouldn't be going anywhere until a good shot at getting the bond back had happened. It's so easy to neglect our relationships when there's so much other stuff taking our time up and then we can't be bothered.

You both need to take it back to basics to learn about each other again. I really wouldn't give up on your relationship without trying that first going on what you've said.

Cherrybakewells1 Mon 14-Dec-15 00:18:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janaus Mon 14-Dec-15 01:16:13

Try to fix it, before things get worse. I am sure thats what you both want. Worth trying. Good luck.

Parker08 Mon 14-Dec-15 02:57:43

Because there is a child involved I would say try counselling. If that doesn't work, don't stay in a situation where you're unhappy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 14-Dec-15 03:26:13

I would also say try and re-connect first before you throw in the towel.
You may have forgotten what it was you loved about each other (or maybe you didn't love each other that much in the first place) - but if you did, then it's still there somewhere, whatever it was that you loved about each other.

You obviously need some time together to see if there is anything there but I definitely think you should try to find out.

Friendlystories Mon 14-Dec-15 03:52:07

I agree with everyone else, definitely enough at stake here to make it worthwhile trying to get things back on track before you think about separating. I'm kind of in the same boat as you, me and DH have drifted apart and we're currently trying to rebuild our relationship back to something resembling a marriage again. We've discussed counselling but are sort of keeping that in reserve for if we don't manage to fix things on our own, neither of us wants to split if it's at all avoidable. We've been trying to re establish some intimacy, started out by making a point of kissing and hugging when leaving the house, started sitting together on the sofa when DD has gone to bed (instead of at opposite ends of the room) and snuggling up, progressed that to making sure we were touching in bed before we went to sleep and now we're at the stage where we're trying to work on our sex life. It all felt weird and a bit forced to start with but it becomes more natural the more you do it. I have to say it's made a massive difference to how we get along in general, I've found we laugh together a lot more now, we've got some of the flirty banter we had in the early days back and I am starting to feel like we're functioning as a couple again, decision making and day to day stuff is more of a joint enterprise again where we had slipped into doing things pretty much independently of each other. It's better, not perfect yet and we have more work to do but I do feel different about him since we started trying to improve things. Both of you have to be on board though and willing to put the effort in so the first hurdle is having that conversation and deciding it's what you both want and how exactly you're going to tackle it. Feel free to PM me if you think it would help to chat to someone in the same situation, it's tough to begin with but worth it if you think what you have is worth saving flowers

Cake0rdeath Mon 14-Dec-15 07:10:01

Thanks for the advice.

Long work day ahead so I'll share with DH when we get home.

I think I'm willing to try but, to be honest, I'm so permanently exhausted from DH (who does sleep throughH, work and other pressures that it just feels like another thing I "have" to do. I don't know if I have the energy to devote to giving it a proper effort.
You're all right; too much at stake and not a good enough reason to end it. Just ending it seems soooo much easier right now (I know it's not because of all the logistical nightmare that follows) as I would welcome this stress being off my plate.

This is a fred where we're going to confound the gits who think Mumsnet is all about LTB. It's been pretty unanimous with "worth another shot" so far.

As long as you're both trying, there's been no abuse, cheating, etc, you have a pretty good chance of getting your spark back. Best of luck.

Noneedforasitter Mon 14-Dec-15 08:47:34

The early years of parenthood are really punishing, and it is very hard to spend any time with your partner. And in most relationships, the flame will dim over time. But I suspect that if you terminate this relationship and go after another, you will find the same dull phase kicking in after a few years.

If you have both been sensible enough not to respond to the situation by having affairs, I would recommend you don't kill it. Intimacy breads on itself and it is possible to rekindle a relationship if you are both motivated to do so.

When I went out for a rare evening with my partner a few years into family life, I was horrified to find we were sitting opposite each other with absolutely nothing to say to each other. It felt like a very bad date. In fact, if it had been a date, I'm sure both of us would have concluded we weren't a match. But we did work on it and the relationship is much healthier now.

So I recommend carving out some child free time together, preferably overnight somewhere out of the home of possible. Can a grandparent or friend take your child for the night?

It may feel forced to begin with, but in time you can rekindle a passion. For the sake of your child, it must be worth trying.

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