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Should I just End this relationship?

(89 Posts)
HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 20:18:44

DP and I are on the verge of splitting up. we have a two year old dd and have been together 4 and half years.

He snooped at my phone a couple of weeks ago and saw a conversation I had with my sister. It was basically a link to an article about narcissists behaviour and explained why I haven't been able to be intimate with him for a while (the never apologise therefore never resolved part). I say snooped because my phone is in a flip case with a magnetic clasp and pass-coded. He claims it fell off the drawers and flipped open to the conversation with my sister.

HUGE back-story is that every time he's kissed me/cuddled me/said he loves me during the last few months it's made me cringe inside. Having spent the last few months mulling over this I realised it was down to the rows we've had where he called me a c&*t and another time where he just kept on and on at me for over an hour about something totally insignificant. Another time he shouted when our daughter was nursing. and another time he came right up to my face nose-to nose.

Following the snooping, which was while I was putting daughter to bed, He didn't tell me he'd seen it, he just went all uncommunicative and snippy and went to bed in the spare room. it was only when I told him the following day that I suspected what had happened that he owned up.

He has never apologised for any of the things he's done. He'll just wake up the following morning and act like it never happened and if I mention any of it I'm the one causing the problem. I just feel nothing ever gets resolved and I'm not allowed to express my hurt and unhappiness at his actions. During the last few months I've felt so lonely and unloved. We no longer have ANY physical intimacy, not even holding hands.

He's never had a high sex drive and I do wonder if the only reason he ever had sex with me was to produce our daughter (we're both early forties so was pretty much last-chance saloon). We've had sex only once every 3 or 4 months since dd was born and these were at my instigation.

Another thing he does is say something deliberately contentious then when I pull him up on it say that he was only joking and that I've no sense of humour. I've got a sense of humour if it's funny!

Currently we're at loggerheads. He says all our problems are of my making and I'm just desperately wanting him to be sorry.
I don't want to have to uproot dd and I hate the thought of not seeing her on dps weekends.

I'm just so lonely and at my wits end.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 13-Dec-15 20:22:25

He is abusive. End the relationship, and get away from him.

CarbonEmittingPenguin Sun 13-Dec-15 20:24:25

Tbh, you don't need anyone's permission, green light or anything else to end a relationship which you feel just isn't working for you. It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic and there's no point spending years trying in vain to flog a dead horse.

Hygge Sun 13-Dec-15 20:28:01

It doesn't sound like there's anything to stay for.

You cringe when he touches you.

He doesn't trust you.

You don't have a physical relationship because he's not interested and you cringe when he says he loves you.

He calls you names.

You argue all the time, he's gotten right into your face, he shouts at you at vulnerable times.

He won't talk things over and just blames you for causing problems.

And your only reasons for staying are the thought of disruption and missing your daughter when she's with him.

I'd hate that too, but it will be better for you to be alone than to live like this. You sound desperately unhappy, and you're already feeling lonely even though you are still in a 'relationship' with him.

For the sake of your health and sanity, leaving sounds better than staying to me. It will be hard at first but it will get better. Whereas your current situation doesn't sound like it will get better at all.

I don't normally tell people to LTB on threads on here, but you sound so unhappy, I think you know you have to leave. Staying in this sort of relationship will be harder than leaving it. For your own sake, and your DD's, leaving sounds better for both of you. flowers

YakTriangle Sun 13-Dec-15 20:31:21

What everyone else said.
You don't want to be with this person. There's nothing there that makes you want to stay with him. So don't.

HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 20:34:37

I am really struggling to call him abusive. Only because when he wants t be he can be so lovely. When we first got together he was so romantic. He's great with dd - perhaps too overprotective if anything. To the rest of the world he's mr prefect, caring daddy, good provider etc. I just want things to go back to how they were at the beginning but that's neve going to happen is it?

whois Sun 13-Dec-15 20:36:39

I just want things to go back to how they were at the beginning but that's neve going to happen is it?

Probably not :-(

Doesn't sound like a great environment for a child - how would you feel if DD were older and saw him act like that to you? Would you want her in a relationship like this?

If the answer is no, then you know you have to finish it.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 13-Dec-15 20:37:49

That's typical abuse though lovely. They get away with it for so long by showing they can be nice. The fact that he is someone else with everyone else, whilst screaming in your face, calling you a cunt, spying on you... If it is safe, have a look at the Woman's Aid website. This behaviour is typical for abusers.

You can get out.

intothebreach Sun 13-Dec-15 20:38:15

You already know you have to leave, or you wouldn't be posting here for confirmation. He is abusive, and it is only likely to get worse. I understand that you can't bear the idea of not seeing your precious, very young dd at weekends - but can you bear the idea of her growing up with this kind of relationship seen as normal, and maybe being with a man who treats her this way?

Bless you a thousand times for having the courage to face the facts, and think about what you should do.

I kicked my abusive ex out last January (he hit me, so it was easy to get non molestation order, occupation order etc) It's been hard in lots of ways, I won't lie to you about that, but it is probably the best thing I ever did to protect my children. For what it's worth, the then 2 year old has coped with this this much better than the then 6 year old. The later you leave it, the harder it is for the children.

I wish you so much good luck, and am sending you all the strength I know how to. Women's Aid are amazing, and the Freedom Programme (available online) is a real eye opener in terms of helping you to see things clearly. flowers

HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 20:45:03

Thank you for all your replies.

It's only been every few weeks that we've had a row but They always seem to blindside me. I'm never expecting it when it happens.

The financial side of things would be really hard. I'd have to depend on him to make ends meet. I could possibly get some working/child tax credits. Is there anyone who can tell you definitely what you'd get if you claimed?

intothebreach Sun 13-Dec-15 20:46:25

(I realise you probably think that he would never actually hit you and that he is capable of being so nice when he chooses... but what you are describing IS abuse, whether or not it includes physical violence. It took my ex-dh over nine years to use actual violence, but it came in the end. Please don't let this happen to your and your daughter.)

intothebreach Sun 13-Dec-15 20:49:55

Try the entitledto (gov) calculator online - is very accurate. If you can eat and have a roof over your head it is worth it. If you're on income support, you also get 15 hours free childcare for your 2 year old.

HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 21:00:15

Thank you Intothebreach. I hope it never comes to that.

I'll have a look. I own a house that I rent out (at no profit) to a relative though and I'm scared that it will mean I'm entitled to nothing. I don't think i'd get income support anyway.

He was arrested in 2009 but no further action was taken. He claimed the policemen realised his ex-gf was the problem. He is also vv reticent when it comes to taking about his ex-wife. I could never get to the bottom of why they split. It doesn't look good does it.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 21:02:36

Are you married ? Please say you haven't got to early forties and had a baby with a man you are financially dependent on without getting married first ? It sounds like this is the case which is really not smart ! However the horse has now bolted so the best way forward is going to be get yourself a job as soon as possible. That plus tax credits plus any maintenance due should cover basic living costs. (If he doesn't want/go for 50/50 shared care) What is your living situation ? Do you own jointly, live in his place or rent ? If you live in his, you will have to move out (again if married this won't be the case) if renting you should be able to claim housing benefit/council tax assistance depending on income...maintenance is payable if you have child more than 50% of time. Roughly 20 % of his residual income if he goes down the route of dd every other weekend, reduced by however many days he has your DC. Calculators are available online on CMS website. Last but not least, you can leave a relationship at don't need a label, he doesn't even need to do anything wrong. He could be the most saintly man ever known but if he makes you cringe when he touches you, it's time to call it a day. It's not fair on him to stay in those circumstances. Why would you want to. I know it would feel better if the 'blame' could be fairly and squarely directed to him, but actually ? It's irrelevant .

Scarydinosaurs Sun 13-Dec-15 21:03:40

No, it really doesn't.

Is it possible to give your relative notice? Is the house suitable for you to live in?

HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 21:11:51

No, not married. but not exactly financially dependent either. I work part-time at the moment but probably wouldn't struggle to get full-time if needed. I live in his. My house is 70 miles away as I re-located to be with him so it would mean losing my job and giving my mum notice. not a thought I relish. He'd definitely fight for 50/50 if it meant him saving money?

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 21:12:55

Cross post with your update. - income support is my field of knowledge. - sadly your rental income will be treated as income in entirety - even though it's only covering a mortgage. On the basis that income support now only covers the parents applicable amount, therefore if rental income exceeds £72:40 + £10 allowable income.. Then you will receive no income support. Better bet is to get a job, however it is going to be tricky to claim housing benefit on a rented property if you own one. It's also going to be tricky to cover a mortgage without the rent coming in by working full time - as nursery costs are so prohibitive. Could you take a. Lodger in to help cover the mortgage ?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 13-Dec-15 21:13:47

He snooped at your phone. That would be enough of a deal breaker for me. Privacy, providing your living with in the law is a right. It says so in ECHR.

pantsjustpants Sun 13-Dec-15 21:15:25

You have to leave, you know this. This is typical abuse, and may escalate. If frequently does, and tbh it does sound like he has previous.

I was one of the ones that left it until my children were older. It affected them greatly, but we have got over it eventually.

It will be hard, but it will be worth it. For me it was the best thing I ever did.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 21:18:17

As your mum currently rents for you , I am assuming she is paying from her own income rather than housing benefit. ? If this is the case, are there two bedrooms ? Would she share ? Could you share with her. Could you reach some deal about rent for childcare so that you can work more. In some ways him wanting 50/50 is helpful for you as it gives you more earning hours without childcare costs !

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 21:19:18

Typo : mum rents from you.

frenchfancy Sun 13-Dec-15 21:21:33

Snooping at a phone wouldn't concern me at all TBH, but being called a c*nt with no apology would be a deal breaker.

Is there anyway you could move back to your house and share with relative for the time being?

RandomMess Sun 13-Dec-15 21:24:49

Sharing with your Mum could work couldn't it??? Certainly a good option if it would.

HalloumiToastie Sun 13-Dec-15 21:27:41

He works full time so 50/50 wouldn't necessarily give me more hours without childcare costs. I was naively thinking that childcare costs would always be split 50/50 regardless?

Our phones were never really off-limits. we knew each others passcodes but to scroll through a conversation while your partner is out of the room is definitely snooping.

Sharing with mum is a no-go as her partner is a nob. He really doesn't like me for some reason. Think he deserves another thread tbh with the way he treats my mum.

Thymeout Sun 13-Dec-15 21:35:53

When a child is involved, I think, for the sake of your own feelings afterwards, you need to feel that you've tried everything possible before ending the relationship.

At least, try counselling before doing anything irrevocable. A third party could help unpick this unhealthy dynamic.

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