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Ex manipulating the dcs.

(6 Posts)
wss2013 Sun 13-Dec-15 19:25:43

Exh and I separated 3 years ago. We have 2 dcs, ds is 13 and dd is 9. I left him due to domestic violence and emotional abuse. I have since met someone else and we have a baby. Older two dcs live with me, ex has them 3 weekends out of 4. On Friday evening ds told my dp that he wants to live with his dad. Apparently ex has told them the split was all my fault, that I cheated with my current dp...he even went so far as to tell ds that me and dp had sex in a hotel room while I was still married to him. Therefore ds resents me for the whole situation. None of this is true. Ex has told him that if he lives with him he will not make him tidy his room like he has to here, he will let him stay up later..all kinds of bribery.

Earlier on this year ex went to the ss to try and have the kids taken off me. He lied to them saying that dp is a paedophile, I have mental health issues, loads of stuff that ss investigated and found to be untrue. So now this is the route he is going down. There have been other instances of him messing with the kids heads, when I was pregnant he told them we would love the baby more than them etc. I have never told the kids the exact reasons we split. I don't want to slag their dad off to them. I know for a fact he doesn't really want the kids...this is all to get at me. He has two other kids, both with different women who he doesn't even see. My dcs don't even know about one of them. He's a manipulator and a liar. What should I say to ds? How should I approach this? I'm obviously going to tell him he can't just go and lie with his Dad but at his age how much would a court take his opinion into consideration? Please help, I'm totally stressed about this. I know that if ds went to live with his dad he would be totally turned against me and dp and his sister.

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 13-Dec-15 19:29:18

I don't think you can legally do this but I'd move as far away from him as possible and let him take me to court. Hes abusive and now he is emotionally abusing your dc. Fuck that shit my dc wouldn't be anywhere near him after the ss stunt and no way would I give up my dc to an abuser.

abbsismyhero Sun 13-Dec-15 19:39:28

just tell him what you can prove ive been honest with my eldest dd i can back up what i tell her

with my ds it's more tricky if he pulls the i love my daddy and hate you stunt ive told him he could live with his dad full time as long as he remembers what it is like to live with his dad full time he went white and cried to come home to me he hadn't even left the house i then had to tell him SS wouldn't let him live with his dad anyway he only has supervised contact with his dad for a reason he is happier knowing this but this may change soon he may end up with unsupervised contact in the new year im dreading it he is toxic

SusanIvanova Mon 14-Dec-15 02:36:47

Tell your son why the marriage ended.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 14-Dec-15 04:51:40

Yes, I'd agree with Susan. I do understand the psychology behind not slagging off the children's father to the children, but in reality it doesn't do them any favours to think that their father did nothing wrong either. That level of protection of their father is going too far, and I believe is likely to create more problems in the future for them.

So, in terms as devoid of hyperbole as you can manage, tell them that the reason you left the marriage is because your ex hurt you, both physically and mentally, and that you didn't want them to live in that atmosphere, you needed to keep them safe. Tell them when you met your DP (assuming it is after you left your ex). If you have court reports or anything like that, let them see (if they're not too horrible, of course).

It will also benefit them to learn now that their father isn't always truthful, will save them a lot of heartache in the future.

TempusEedjit Mon 14-Dec-15 08:02:30

I agree with advice above, keeping the DC from the reasons behind a break up is the best thing when both parents are consistent with their approach but your Ex has already involved them. Your DS is old enough to understand an age-appropriate explanation and in your case it sounds like not putting him straight will cause more harm than good.

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