I'll try to be brief. I am 71 and DP 73 (been together over 40 years) He has had affairs in the past and made overtures to friends, but not for man years. To me it was all in the past and I never have it a thought.
However the past has re-emerged for me and causing me a great deal of distress. DP is a member of a rambling club and in August went on a walking holiday with 2 women from the club. I wasn't happy as it reminded me of the past when he had been on walking holidays with the OW.
Over the past few months one of the women J has been suffering from anxiety and asked DP if he would go over (it's not far) to help her sort her finances out but when he got there, she'd already sorted things out but didn't tell him. We had a row because I was being reminding of the past and then I felt guilty so I said maybe he should go and see her as she was unwell and he jumped at the chance saying "I'll go tomorrow" but she was busy and suggested the following week, so he went over again. Then she contacted him to ask if he'd help her move some furniture and go on a short walk as she was feeling better. I was pissed off because she's been divorced for years so must have people to help her move furniture - she's definitely got a son-in-law who lives nearby. DP said he wasn't sure about the walk as I had an appointment so he moved the furniture and that wa that.
In his birthday card she wrote:
"Happy Birthday X
With warm wishes, love and thanks for all your care and support. It means a lot to me............J x
I thought it was a very intimate message and the care and support was DP helping her to plan a walk (they take it in turns to do this in the club) or at least that was the explanation. I don't know this woman, never seen her and I thought it insensitive to write something like this in a birthday card.
On Wed she is driving him to the Ramblers Christmas lunch. She offered to do this because he was due to have an op on his and so wouldn't have been able to drive, but the op has been postponed but she's still driving him so he can have a drink.
They e mail each other on a regular basis, and last night we have a big row and I demanded to see the e mails. He said they'd been deleted. In the end he showed me one from Aug (about 4 lines talking about tents!) He says he won't show me any more because of "what I'll read into them" and he refuses to be monitored. The comment about "What I'll read into them has given me the idea that there IS something he doesn't want me to see.
I know this might sound something and nothing but it's brought the pas back and I'm very distressed. I suffer from intermittent depression which is severe at times. DP has been very caring and supportive of me since this illness began 6 years ago.
What do you think?
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Worried and suspicious
WorriedWoman1234 · 13/12/2015 15:09
It doesn't sound very kind of him to behave like this 
I am sorry; have you considered what options you might have, as in whether to stay with him and so on?
I don't think her behaviour is appropriate, especially as she may very well know that you have been unwell: however, for whatever it's worth, I don't see any evidence your partner has done anything unfaithful.
He may legitimately feel that there is nothing going on from his side, but at the same time be aware that she sends messages that cross the line in terms of what's appropriate for communicating with a married man, hence having deleted them. He's not being overly sympathetic towards you, but I suspect it's typical male exasperation - and if you're not well, could there be a possibility that you would read something into messages that might not be there, especially if the woman is a bit silly, and also being rather inappropriate?
Also - though it's a soul-sapping illness to have, it's also very hard caring for someone with depression: you say he's been caring and supportive since you became ill - is he still as supportive? I'm just asking because it's also possible that he is seeing that as a bit of a fun flirtation to lift his spirits, and though not encouraging her, is also not being as firm as he could be in terms of discouraging her. I don't in any way mean to excuse him - but I am wondering whether, though he is supportive of you, he misses how you were before you became ill, in terms of flirty attention, and doesn't see how he's behaving at the moment as inappropriate.
Are you well enough yourself to join the rambling club? (I appreciate if you're suffering with depression, it may well be a battle just to get out of bed in the morning, but people are affected in different ways) If not - would you be up to having a small gathering at yours, including her and some of the others and mar your territory, as it were?
I honestly think what's been happening is that he has offloaded some of his worries about you to her, as partners do when someone is ill, and she has interpreted this as meaning something else. She is exploiting what she feels is their closeness, and he is being a silly odd sod and enjoying the attention. Unless you have another reason to suspect him, in terms of his behaviour? Did he brush you off in a similar way before, for example? If you do think he's behaving in the same way, then perhaps it's worth considering what steps to take next, and issuing an ultimatum.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you when you are already so unwell 
Oh, worried sorry that you are feeling so lousy
She might not be "silly" in the sense of intellect, but that doesn't stop her being a silly cow! And that's definitely what she's being, I am afraid - she seems like she's trying to make trouble with that card, and I'm afraid your DP is encouraging her in that he hasn't laid on the line what is appropriate and what isn't, even if there's nothing else going on. At the same time, though, when you're so unwell, I expect the last thing you feel like is any kind of confrontation, aggro or nonsense - I agree with timelytess: you need to think out what you want, and what you want him to do.
He should be able to tell her bluntly to back off (and he shouldn't need you to tell him to do this, though that's a different matter!) but if he won't, you need to work out whether- and what - you can tolerate. The trouble is, things like this are awful enough to deal with when you're 100%, never mind when you are totally drained and beside yourself at the best of times: I guess all I can do is wish you the strength to be able to work out your options.
I'm sorry though, that you are suffering so: your DP is a fool, but I think worse than that is trying to sort out his idiocy when you are going through the destructive, painful, agonising torment that is depression.
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