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Going to separate from Husband, is it wrong to consider moving away?

(53 Posts)
mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 14:58:32

Dh and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children aged 11, 8 and 5. We have finally reached the point of separation, I'm worn out by him! We will have to sell the house and I'll hopefully take a decent chunk of equity to buy a smaller house for me and the boys. As we live in the expensive south east I'm struggling to find somewhere decent for us to live.

I grew up in Gloucestershire and still have a couple of good friends there, I keep thinking about moving back. Is this wrong? Well I know it is, but has anyone had any experience of this? He would stay where we are now.

I know I'd be removing the boys from his immediate vicinity, but the way he talks at the moment it's as if he's not bothered about seeing them. I'm sure that will change. But he's also threatening to walk out any day now and leave me with all the bills and mortgage to cover. If I have to sell quickly to avoid defaulting on the mortgage, I'll need to have somewhere else to go.

Any advise? I've never been through something like this before and am feeling a bit lost and vulnerable. He's currently the main earner, as I recently took a much lower paid school hours job - probably the final straw in our relationship - I can't cover our living costs etc alone.

Help?

VimFuego101 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:02:01

How far away would you be moving and what are his plans for seeing the kids? If he wants to be an involved parent and see them frequently, I think moving would be unfair. However from what you say he doesn't plan to be that involved. Can you afford rent and bills in the South East?

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:08:07

We'd be approx 150 miles apart.

Yeah I know, I shouldn't move away. But if he really doesn't want to be very involved, why am I staying when I'll be in a smaller house than I could get if I move back to where I grew up.....and if he screws me financially by moving out and not paying his share of the bills while the house sells, I'll have even less available to buy a new house.

Just wondered whether anyone has done anything like this?

TheBunnyOfDoom Sun 13-Dec-15 15:08:43

I think it would be horribly unfair to take your children away from their home, their schools and their other parent unless you have absolutely no other choice.

I'm also pretty sure he can take out a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving too far away with the children. He sounds angry at the moment but I think you can't take your kids away from their dad without a good reason.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sun 13-Dec-15 15:11:26

I would read this before you consider moving.

www.fraserbrown.com/article/prohibited-steps-orders

It looks like he CAN apply for an order if you try and move them 150 miles away. I really don't think you should move them unless you have no choice.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:14:22

If he's truly disinterested in them - and some fathers are after divorce - I'd go back to Gloucestershire. Only you know whether he is serious about that. It is quite a distance, but not still impossible for it to work if he does still want a part in their lives.

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:14:47

Well we're going to lose our home anyway. If I cant buy a new house in our town then schools may be affected too. But thanks for that info. It's all very raw, I'm just thinking through possible options.

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:17:38

I think 3 children and the difference it had made to our relationship is the reason we are where we are. I have no idea right now whether he will want to sustain a relationship with the boys, when we talked a couple of months ago he was clearly saying he trusted me to raise and look after them.

His father left him at about the age of 11, he didn't see him again until he was approx 15. I fear history is repeating itself.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sun 13-Dec-15 15:19:24

I feel for you, divorce is horrible and it affects everyone sad

I just think moving kids away from their friends and family should be the last option in this kind of situation (unless you're escaping abuse or something similar). Having your parents separating is hard enough as it is, without having to make new friends and settle into new schools as well.

I think you'll find if you divorce, you'll be entitled to stay in the marital home (assuming you're the primary caregiver) anyway, and he'll be required by the courts to pay towards the mortgage. Courts don't want to disrupt children if they can help it, and it's generally in their best interests to stay in their home with their primary caregiver.

I hope you get thing sorted flowers

BoboChic Sun 13-Dec-15 15:20:28

The only good reason for moving away is so that you can get more support (family) or a better job. Otherwise your best course of action is to stay put and encourage your DCs' relationship with their father.

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:23:31

I took some solicitors advice a couple of months ago, we'll have to sell the house was her view and I'll have to buy something smaller. Cannot afford to stay in it on our current earnings, I've recently downgraded my job to be at home for the boys more and my salary is significantly lower.
So I have a choice to go back to work full time in my stressy old job, paying for childcare around school and holidays for all 3 of them, or stay in my school hours lower paid job. He resents having to pay more towards the family runnings costs, another reason towards the split.

Hulababy Sun 13-Dec-15 15:23:42

What would your children want?

On paper it would certainly seem unfair to move the children so far from their dad. Sometimes it is necessary and time will show if he is genuinely lot interested.

could you rent initially?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 13-Dec-15 15:26:59

You can rent and keep the money in a savings account til they go to uni/move out - then you can move somewhere cheaper??

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:29:47

Rent would cost more than a mortgage so is not a viable option.

Was just looking for viewpoints, guess I was needing to be told to stay local!

RudeElf Sun 13-Dec-15 15:32:18

Having "a few good friends" is nowhere near enough of a reason to move your children 150 miles from everyone and everything they know as a first course of action. However if you have tried and failed to get a new home and their dad proves after the split to be totally uninvolved with them then it would be reasonable to choose that option. But to begin with i would look at renting where you are whilst continuing your house search and also consider that size of home is way down the list of priorities for children if its a choice between everything they know and "bigger garden". They'll already be coping with the breakdown of the family unit, they dont need to be catapulted away from school, friends, clubs, family, familiar places in the midst of all that. Take it one step at a time. I would be aiming to stay where you are and only moving as a last resport if you really cannot find a home where you are. You could always take out a new mortgage to increase youre budget.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sun 13-Dec-15 15:36:57

I think you need to go to more solicitors and get some better advice. Your H can resent paying for his family as much as he likes, but he still has to do it! He chose to have kids, so he has to support them whether he likes it or not.

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:41:22

Just to add I'd be moving nearer family if I went, we have none where we are.

IamlovedbyG Sun 13-Dec-15 15:49:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LibbyRibbon Sun 13-Dec-15 15:55:38

I did exactly this a couple of years ago - separated from my partner of over a decade, sold the house we shared, and left the expensive South East taking the kids with me, buying a cheaper house in my home town.

Understandably, the ex wanted to stay in touch with the kids, so after a time in temporary accommodation while he got his situation sorted, he eventually also moved out of the area, found himself a new job in the same town we now live in, and sees the kids regularly.

It was horrible at the time, but there was no way we could have afforded to run two separate households in the area we lived.

The kids were naturally upset to be leaving their friends and familiar lives behind, but the situation at home 2 years on is now much happier and calmer, it wasn't doing them any good living in such a hostile environment before the separation. They have settled well, found new opportunities, and still remain in touch with their old friends, so have the best of both worlds.

It's not gonna be easy for your kids, but it isn't the actual separation that causes them the most hurt, it's the circumstances that lead to it being necessary....so if you've already made the decision to go your separate ways, get the ball rolling so that they can settle into the new status quo as soon as possible.

I now have my family close by - something that has helped immensely being a single parent in what was, to begin with, a raw and delicate emotional state. I also have less financial pressure due to living in a much cheaper area (i.e. much smaller mortgage) which is a huge help when adjusting to living on one salary instead of two.

By far the best move I have ever made in my life....and yet I agonised over it for months before finally taking the plunge.

Only you will know if the same decision is right in your situation - but follow your instinct, it is usually right. Don't let anyone make you feel that you ought to stay where you are if everything inside you is screaming otherwise.

newname99 Sun 13-Dec-15 16:00:26

If your h stays in the area due to work then it's likely your children will have to commute 150 miles to stay with their dad.It's not good for them as the choice is seeing dad or face a long drive.It also means that the choice will be see dad or friends party or hobby.My dsd has this as her mum moved a similar distance.DH moved as close as he/we could (jobs allowing as she moved to an employment black spot).

Dsd is now nearly grown and ideally her mum would not have moved as she hated the choices she felt she had to make.She's not angry with her mum but feels it wasn't the best decision. Dsd's mum also moved for cheaper housing.

Duckdeamon Sun 13-Dec-15 16:07:03

Not OK to move 150 miles away IMO. It's all hypothetical at present: you don't know how your H will be when it comes to the crunch. If he's shit you should for your DCs' sake at least try to get him to do what's right: moving away would make it very difficult for the DC to have a relationship with him.

Why would schools be a problem where you are? if your eldest is 11 then surely they will be in seniors from September and already applied, and younger siblings wohld get in under sibling rule.

mrsh1807 Sun 13-Dec-15 16:36:01

When I said about moving schools, I meant that would be necessary to do so whether I move 10 miles or 150 miles, in relation to finding a suitable house.

Libbyribbon - thanks so much for sharing your situation, it sounds similar. That's very useful for me.

Renting is just not an option due to my type of mortgage.

Moving would take me nearer the boys god parents and family. But further from their dad.
He's putting me under the pressure to sell and leave the family home quickly, for financial reasons. Hence the dilemma. Veiled threats about with holding funds to pay bills isn't helpful!

I'm not intending too deny them access to their dad, I'm sure I'll stay here. Just feels so frustrating. And it is hard when I feel so pulled to move back - it's something we've talked about doing as a family for years - and that door is being closed on me.

It's all so hard.

pocketsaviour Sun 13-Dec-15 16:38:08

I'm going to strike out on the other side here and say that as long as you're prepared to meet 50% of the travelling costs to enable contact between DC and their dad, you should go for it. Especially if you have family there and don't have any family where you are now.

For the sake of 150 miles I think it's unlikely a prohibited steps order would be considered, especially if you can show that the DC would have a better lifestyle with the massively reduced cost of housing.

Hulababy Sun 13-Dec-15 16:44:22

A 300 mile round trip once a fortnight is not going to be ideal for a 5 year old; not for the other slightly older ones either.

How would you feeling your dh did the same - took your children to live 150 miles away from you?

It will mean that shared custody arrangements will be more difficult. Your children will not be able to see their dad during the week at all. And once a fortnight might even prove difficult as they get older and it will certainly mean that they will not be able to commit to things like weekend activities, some parties, sleepovers, etc without a lot more planning.

I know you say that dad doesn't seem to want to be interested at the moment. But you don't know that will be the case for sure. And moving away would only make this to be more likely - and it is your children who need to be considered first. A relationship with daddy is in their best interests unless there are other issues at play.

category12 Sun 13-Dec-15 16:44:36

If you have friends and family and a support network there that you don't have here, I would seriously consider moving, yes.

If your ex strenuously objects and perhaps is willing to be more generous than he sounds currently, then rethink, but if being a single parent where you are is going to be significantly harder than raising the dc in your old area, it would be worth the initial disruption. Leave it later and end up struggling and needing to move, and you might end up stuck because of gcses etc.

Obviously your ex may put up a fight about it, and if so, you might not go ahead - but moving might be best long-term for the family unit. It's not to be dismissed out of hand out of some sort of notion of fairness. There are plenty of ways to keep up the dc's contact with their father.

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