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is it him or me?

(6 Posts)
fairycakesarefr33 Sun 13-Dec-15 13:42:19

I need to know whether anyone else has felt like I'm feeling at the moment, and any advice. I'm finding maternity leave very hard, being at home with the dc all day is slowly driving me nuts and I feel like I can't really cope with the emotional rollercoaster that is being a sahm. The housework is also pissing me off, I know I should be able to do proportionally more than dp as he is out all day, but I don't feel like he is doing enough (chores or childcare).

We had a row about it a few weeks ago and he said he'd do more housework, and take the dc out every weekend so I can get some headspace and time away from children, but as soon as things returned to normal that has stopped, and today he's been merrily cracking on with DIY while I look after the kids (all the while feeling like I want to scream into a pillow).

I know i tend to bury these feelings rather than talk about them, and then things explode rather than resolve like adults, but dp says he's sick of me being so negative all the time and behaving like a victim when life isn't really that bad. Matters have come to a head today and I've literally handed him the baby and left the house, i just couldn't cope anymore. I know when i return home later he will try to make out that I've got pnd again (had it with dc1), but I'm not so sure i have this time. I just need a bit more support than I'm actually getting from him.

I don't know whether these thoughts are normal, or whether I'm just taking my temper out on him because there is nobody else and i should just suck it up and get on with it. I felt like this with my last maternity leave and we had similar arguments, but things got better when I returned to work and had a wider range of focus (basically I stopped caring as much about the housework). Has anyone else felt like this and how has it resolved? Is it me with the problem or him?

IamlovedbyG Sun 13-Dec-15 15:40:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fairycakesarefr33 Sun 13-Dec-15 22:31:16

Thanks, I think I'll look into it, we did have a cleaner in the past and it helped, although we have different views on how much one should tidy up for the cleaner coming!

I'm feeling much better having bad a few hours away from the house on my own, so feeling more positive about things now and a little less overwhelmed. Thanks for the support Iamloved.

AtSea1979 Sun 13-Dec-15 22:38:09

It's not like he's doing nothing is it, he was doing DIY. So maybe you should have done the DIY and he should have taken DC out of it was more you needing space from DC rather than it being unequal.
If he works full time then I guess ita reasonable that he should expect you to do the lions share of the housework. Rather than paying a cleaner, maybe you'd be better paying a child minder and having some time for yourself.

Handywoman Sun 13-Dec-15 22:43:48

I think it's reasonable that you get to do stuff away from the dc and house at the weekend. Every weekend. Doesn't mean can't do diy but your needs are important. YANBU to feel like this. If it's not being kept up then you just keep handing over the dc at some point until he gets the message!

Morganly Sun 13-Dec-15 22:56:13

Oh my god yes, I totally understand. I remember insisting on me scraping wallpaper off while he looked after the baby because I would have done anything rather than looked after the baby at that point even though he had loads of what sounded like really good reasons why we should swap roles but actually he was using the decorating as an excuse for not looking after the baby. So there I am grimly and insistently and ineffectually scraping at the walls while he kept going on at me and I was so fucking desperate not to be left alone with the baby 24 fucking 7.

DIY is not essential. Tell him it can wait and you need him to give you a break from the childcare or you will destroy the fucking DIY as soon as it's done.--not projecting at all--

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