Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Possible PD MIL - feeling alone

(51 Posts)
pattypot Sun 13-Dec-15 13:09:47

NC for this as I think she uses MN.

This is a very sensitive issue for me and I feel like it has contributed greatly to my antenatal depression so please be gentle. Sorry if this post is a bit drip feedy and very very long but need to get the details across. Could do with a bit of a hand holdsad

When I first got with my OH his mother seemed lovely. But people always do at first I guess. He is her youngest and only son, he has an older sister. She appeared to try hard to create a good relationship with me and making me comfortable when I moved in with OH at her house until we could afford a place of our own. I paid board and cleaned up after myself. I begun to notice her strange behaviour after a couple of months. She always seemed to have something 'wrong' with her. Pain in her body, migraines, anemia, insomnia, all the basics. Occasionally she would have a cancer scare or say the doctor was convinced she had MS or a heart disease but then never mentioned it again. She once told OH she had breast cancer and would need chemo. He was in tears but then she came back with 'oh, the doctor made a mistake I'm fine'. All these problems seemed to be perfectly timed with when she was left alone in the house, when we were busy or no one was really paying her any attention. She once called OH when we'd just sat down to eat our dinner on a night out saying she needed him to go home to walk the dogs because her foot hurt. I just put it down to attention seeking but now I think it is something more serious like a PD.

When OH and I had perfectly normal arguments she would always get involved and often called my mum behind my back to come and pick me up if I was upset (like a child). They weren't really shouty or aggressive arguments, just ones where I would usually cry or get a little upset (mostly when I was PMSing). This didn't help our situation because then we couldn't resolve our issues in person since I was pushed out of the house I paid to live in. It didn't really make sense to me why she did that until the 3rd time it happened and OH broke up with me over text. We had been together for 2 years at this point. I knew it was his mother's influence from that moment since it was just a silly argument and he hugged me before I was forced to leave. In my mind she seemed to secretly hate me and would use any excuse to get me out of her house and out of a relationship with her son.

A couple of weeks later OH rang me and was crying down the phone apologising and told me his mother had been saying horrible things about me and basically made him choose. Saying things like 'you don't love me when you're with her' and threatening to kill herself if he got back with me. This was the point I hastily borrowed a deposit for a flat off of my dad so we could have our own place. We moved in and got settled. It was bliss to finally be together alone. He cut contact with his mum and it was going well. Then 2 weeks after he got a phone call waking us both up at 6am and it was his mum screaming and crying down the phone saying her mum had died. He rushed to hers to comfort her only to be back half an hour later to reveal that his grandma wasn't dead, she'd just had a minor fall and was fine. They remained low contact after this with the occasional short phone calls. She lives with her boyfriend and is 49 so can manage without her son.

We had been trying for a baby for years and I had a fair few miscarriages, the last one being at 20 weeks. When I was in hospital after the last one OH got a call from his mum asking him to mow the lawn for her so he told her I was in hospital. She said it can't be that bad and I'll be fine by myself. He told her what had happened and said he wouldn't be leaving my side. I heard her say 'oh that doesn't matter, was for the best. There's bigger things to worry about like my lawn overgrowing!'. He hung up at that point.

I fell pregnant again after more months of trying and when I made it past the 20 week mark I started to feel a bit more relaxed so OH told his mum. She said that it's probably not his and he shouldn't get too excited, I could lose it yet. He remained low contact with her again after this until a month ago when he got a call from her saying she was going for an operation that day and would need someone to be her carer since her boyfriend works full time (OH works from home). He agreed because she's his mother I guess. So he moved back in with her that day. She only went in the morning and came back a few hours later. Apparently it was to remove something from her neck so she has to stay in bed most of the time and can't clean or make her own food. She knows that I am struggling because OH has told her that's why he couldn't visit her much.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant now and on bed rest. I struggle with SPD and have had crutches since 26 weeks. I see him for about 2 hours a day and then he goes back. I've never felt more alone and I fear I have antenatal depression. I sit here in silence sometimes, cry and wish I wasn't having my daughter. But I do want her really, it's just very difficult by myself. I sometimes go without food all day because I'm too tired to move and go days without cleaning myself because I physically can't get in and out of the bath without help (no shower unit). My parents work full time so can only come over at weekends. I have considered hiring a carer through an agency to help me because I can't manage.

I just wish he could see through her like I can and I wish I didn't have to do things alone now.

tribpot Sun 13-Dec-15 13:21:56

So you are essentially completely incapacitated with a genuine condition on top of what is bound to be an extremely anxious pregnancy, whereas she had day surgery a month ago. And he is caring for her instead of you?

First I think you do need to tell your midwife about your concerns for your mental health - get some support in place now in case antenatal depression does become PND.

Second I think you need a completely frank discussion with your DP. If he can't see that his mother is manipulating him to ensure that he can never sustain a healthy relationship with someone else, there may be nothing you can do but let him go. He can tell her to hire a carer, his responsibility is towards you.

Don't waste your time trying to diagnose your MIL, it's just giving her more attention. It doesn't matter why she's behaving this way, it matters why your DP is responding in the way he is. If he could see that she was toxic you could try to combat the tendency towards FOG together, but if he won't accept there's a problem you need to cut him loose so you can plan your life realistically.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and after the previous baby loss as well.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 13-Dec-15 13:23:00

First - tell him to come home - or your leaving.
OR just leave.
This can not go on
His mother is in competition with you
For his affection.
This will het worse woth a baby - another one competing for his affection - in her eyes.

pocketsaviour Sun 13-Dec-15 13:29:12

Have a read of this OP - it's available on Kindle.

Your mum has a partner - you have a partner. Both of the partners should be caring for their own partners. Undoubtedly your MIL has told her partner she's fine and doesn't need help, while she hams it up to keep your OH jumping like a puppet.

It's a shame she knows about the baby being due. He may want to look at going full NC. Presuming you stay together, please don't EVER let her be alone with the baby.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 13-Dec-15 13:29:16

You need to accept you are going to be doing this on your own if he cannot free the hold he is allowing her to have. She is - going on what you've said - hugely abusive, and will do anything she can to make sure his attention will always be on here. Unless he takes control of that, it will not change.

The fact he's left you struggling like this is disgusting. Do you really want to be in a partnership with this man?

Please speak to your midwife regarding your depression, there are things that can help you.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Dec-15 13:33:12

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he's back with you in a couple of hours' time or the relationship ends. If he comes back, there will have to be counselling involved; he is deeply caught up in her net of lies. If he doesn't come back, ask your parents to come and take you to their house. Even if they're at work in the day, they'll be there in the evening for you.

He is behaving in a shocking way, but then he has had a shocking example of adult life from his own mother.

sphinxster Sun 13-Dec-15 13:44:29

Patty, I have no advice but I recently posted about trouble with my ILs and the responses I got from people on here were a great help, even the ones who just said they also had toxic in laws.
Your MIL is a witch and you deserve better. I hope once your daughter is born, your partner's priorities and tolerance will change.
I downloaded the toxic in law book but am a bit slow in reading it (too busy wasting time on here).

category12 Sun 13-Dec-15 13:46:17

Tell him to move back today or never.

I think you may have "lost" already to Mil, however.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 13-Dec-15 13:59:29

This is a fight you can never win. Because it's not your fight, it's his.

She's had decades to ensnare him in her manipulative web but he might never be able to see it for himself.

I'm in the "tell him what the bottom line is" camp. He either acknowledges where his priorities should lie, and that's with you or it's over.

There are worse things than bringing up a child on your own, and having a partner in thrall to his Mummy is one of them.

Potatoface2 Sun 13-Dec-15 14:15:53

she had day surgery and has spent a month in bed! surprised she hasnt had a PE or a DVT and pegged it.....weird mother and to be honest a weird can do better.....get rid, you will forever come 2nd best to his dont need that for your baby.....keep her well away from him/her

mintoil Sun 13-Dec-15 15:51:33

How awful - yes she probably does have a PD but your partner appears to be stuck in the cycle of wanting to appease her.

It is ultimatum time I'm afraid. Based on all you have said, it is probably going to have to be he comes home and stays NC with MIL, or he stays there and you split, but I agree with PP, you need to make sure MIL has no access to your DC.

Jux Sun 13-Dec-15 16:24:19

Don't waste your time and energy on diagnosing her, wondering why she's doing what she's doing. It doesn't matter why. What matters is that she is doing it, and it is messing up your life completely, and will mess up your dd's.

I would just get out. Go back to your parents, ask them to help you. Rent out your flat or sell it, unless you can afford to keep it on by yourself.

Don't factor him into your life at the moment. He will always run back to mummy when you need him most, as he has done now; at the moment you simply don't have the physical resources to do what is needed to cut the cord between him and his mum. You need to concentrate on your own physical well-being until the baby is born, and then you'll be too busy and too tired.

When motherhood has settled down a bit, say in a year, you may have the time and energy to divert a bit towards getting him out from under.

Right now, both you and your baby will benefit from not having much to do with him, and certainly not relying on him. He won't see what she's doing until he wants to.

Mermaidhair1 Sun 13-Dec-15 16:39:06

Your mil is a very nasty manipulative person. I am shocked that your dp has moved in to take care of her. She only had day surgery! Does your dp realise that if she needed this much care she would be in the hospital? What are his plans when you go into labour? You need to give him an ultimatum now. He also needs counselling to get him to realise her behaviour. Have you told him you need him home now as you are in bed rest? He needs to choose between his dm and his dp and baby.
flowers I really feel for you

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Sun 13-Dec-15 16:41:18

I sometimes go without food all day because I'm too tired to move and go days without cleaning myself because I physically can't get in and out of the bath without help

Go home to your parents if you possibly can. This is absolutely not working.

You really, really need to be eating and away from this male puppet-on-a-string. You actively need to be away from this stress.

The future and he can wait. You need to concentrate on you and tinypatty.

Mermaidhair1 Sun 13-Dec-15 16:46:38

Just realised is it possible there was never any operation?
Who rings and asks for help the day of an operation?
Did he drive her to the hospital and pick her up?
And I have never heard of surgery where you are only gone s few hours.
Does your dp realise you can't feed yourself and his baby because you need help?

PhoenixReisling Sun 13-Dec-15 16:59:48


Please ring him now and tell him to come home. You need to tell him not sure why he hasn't noticed what you have written hear....maybe even show him the thread. This cannot go on, this is effecting you and your daughter.

You need to speak to your midwife and you need to eat.


ADishBestEatenCold Sun 13-Dec-15 17:00:28

Are you there, Patty? I know it's still under 4 hours since you posted, but a little concerning given your physical condition and advanced pregnancy. Hope you're okay.

I agree with other posters ... don't waste a minute more of your life on trying to understand, diagnose, support or compete with your MIL.
Do tell your DP that he moves back in today, or never ... and that if he chooses to come back, he must be fully committed to putting you and your baby first.

I do wonder that your DP might well be a willing captive in this.

Do you have friends and family, that you can talk to and who might support you (at least emotionally)?

pattypot Sun 13-Dec-15 17:18:35

Thank you for the responses. Sorry I was talking to him whilst he was over for the short time. He said that I can't make him choose between me and his mother and that she's just had a 'serious operation' so I shouldn't be slagging her offenvy I do doubt there was an operation. Apparently it was to remove a small lump caused by nerve damage from being a hair dresser for 2 years...

He said he should be home sometime after Christmas. I asked what happens if I go into labour before then and asked who will look after his mum. He said someone else will have to but she wants him to do it whilst he can. I've broken the relationship off because there's no point us being together if he's not even here to help me. I've never felt so lowsad

notenoughbottle Sun 13-Dec-15 17:29:11

You've honestly done the right thing. It will feel heartbreakingly hard but being a single parent is better than being with someone who will always put you second to his obviously toxic mother. I too would actually doubt if she even had an op in the first place. My ex pil weren't this bad, although some of his family's behaviour during my pregnancy led to me having AND but my ex has run back to mummy again (who will happily mollycoddle him...). You do not want you're daughter to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour because it isn't. It is so easy to stick up with stuff when you're in the midst of it and breaking a bad habit can be the hardest thing to do.

magoria Sun 13-Dec-15 17:42:54

You are absolutely right to break off this relationship.

He has chosen to move back in with his mother leaving his pregnant partner to struggle in such conditions.

You and your DC will never come top of this man's list.

Do you own or rent? If you rent what is the soonest you can get out of the rental? Find yourself a small place that is more practical for just yourself and the baby.

Use your family and friends over the coming months and don't believe him if he says he will change until he has proved it.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 13-Dec-15 17:43:45

What does he mean after xmas????? What did he suggest you do - on your own - pregnant with HIS child - cheeky bastard ....
Get rid. Phone someone to remove you from that flat. ASAP.

Gazelda Sun 13-Dec-15 17:54:46

oh OP, i feel so sad for you. but there is a fabulous, baby shaped light at the end of the tunnel, stay positive for your daughter.

please try to get an appointment with your midwife, explain everything to her, including how you are having to cope alone. you really need to eat, can you go stay with your parents?

importantly, try not to compete with MIL for your DP's attention. he has made his choice, and it is probably for the best. that's not to say he can't be a good father, but will need help seeing his priorities from here forward.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 13-Dec-15 18:05:12

Well done for ending the relationship. You did the right thing, for you and for your baby.

Speak to your parents tonight to arrange things, and call your midwife first thing in the morning.

Pippin8 Sun 13-Dec-15 18:25:59

God, what does he expect you to do at Xmas? No doubt his mother will make a miraculous recovery, just in time. Can you go to your parents & be spoilt for a bit? And definitely tell your midwife how you're feeling.

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a truly awful man if he prioritises his mothers trivial needs over your serious ones.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Sun 13-Dec-15 18:38:00

pattypot Im so sorry it's come to this. Can you get a friend with you tonight?

Can you go to your parents? you need practical help and support now, you really do.

He is the comprehensive loser in this, all round. He's lost you and his baby, all for a dreadful mother.

He said that I can't make him choose between me and his mother You didnt make him choose. The situation made him choose; and he made the wrong choice.

Hoping you can sleep tonight and that your parents can be there for you tomorrow.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: