Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New partner has money...(37 Posts)
And I don't basically.
I'm just feeling a bit self concious at the moment, all in my own head though.
He is University educated, had a good job (is a SAHD now) has a large house, his kitchen is about the size of my whole downstairs. Mortgage paid off, nice car.
And I live in very small council accommodation with no assets or car.
He has never made me feel anything less than a princess and he says possessions are immaterial and he loves me whether I have a quid in the bank or a million. But he's not been to my house yet (long distance relationship ) and is due to soon. I just feel really ... well ashamed I think? That I never pushed for anything more than what I have here. My house is really tiny and cramped. One tiny bathroom whereas he has three!
I know it might seem like I'm focusing on money, but I feel embarrassed because I don't want him to pay for things for me but I don't always have the money disposable like he does to do things, I always insist I pay my half but can put a strain on things. He only has 1 child whereas I have more.
Has anyone been in a relationship where the balance is tipped like this?
I know I need to get over it. It's all in my head, not his. I just feel a little embarrassed.
Well, I don't know about that. Early days!
You have nothing to be ashamed of. He will see that you're a single mum who supports her children and always insists on paying for her share. He'll know you're not a gold digger, so he should have nothing but respect for you.
Just make sure it's nice and clean, which you would if it was enormous. It's your home, and it's how welcoming it feels that matters.
I like Flobbertys advice
Don't put yourself down! If a man doesn't want to know you because you don't have the material things he does then he's not worth knowing.
It sounds like your new man is better than that and is only interested in YOU and that's how it should be.Don't worry!
If he is a sahd, how is that being financed? Having a big house might just mean he was lucky enough to buy at the right time. Is his money coming from an exwife. Does the house need to be sold and profits split when the kids turn 18?
These things might make a difference to how equal you feel finamcially
Yeah. I think that's my concern as well. I'm due to meet his family at Christmas and they are all very well educated and things. I only went to high school. I'm worried about them asking about things when all I've done really is have children (married young, recently seperated)
I think you tell him straight out - you feel embarrassed because your standard of living is so different. That you don't want to make it all about the money but the fact is, you have less than he does.
It doesn't sound like he's going to be remotely bothered by the size of your house or the number of your bathrooms, but there's no reason why you shouldn't tell him of your worry.
In terms of paying your half, I think that's understandable and maybe again you need to be explicit: I want to be able to pay my way and it's straining my budget. Can we look to keep costs down? (Be very clear this is not a play to get him to pay for stuff, even though I'm sure he happily would). But the main thing when you're together is to see each other, so stuff doesn't have to cost the earth. Planning ahead can really cut costs down as well - not very spontaneous but that's life on a budget.
If he's a good guy, and it sounds like he is, he will understand why you're uncomfortable. Perhaps you can agree that for special occasions he will treat you when it's something he really wants to do with you that's out of your price range, but for normal dates you will go halves. I guess at some point soon the question of holidays is going to raise its head, and then you're into another world of financial disparity, so better to get it all out on the table now.
And if paying your share is putting a strain on your finances you ought to tell him- either he will agree to do cheaper things or he will pay for you. Let him- you could always cook him dinner or something in return. He might prefer more expensive places and things to do, as he has the money to do it, and be happy to pay so you can both enjoy it.
He's not rich. But he's self sufficient and comfortable. He runs a buisness from home part time whilst his son is at school.
It's not like he is a millionaire but he is comfortable and secure.
I have brought it up before, hence him saying money doesn't matter, but it's my insecurities playing up when I'm at his and see his lovely home and think back to mine. Which is nice for council accommodation, I like to decorate and keep it neat and tidy. I know I need to get over it.
hold your head high. Hes not better than you, and his family are not better than yours.
please dont do that self loathing thing. be proud
And stop putting yourself down! Why shouldn't they like you? Just be truthful about yourself and don't knock yourself, your parents abilities to provide etc- everyone's life could have been different couldn't it?
He clearly likes you so you must be doing something right. Just keep doing it!
The questions you'll be asked are normal questions to make conversation - trying to find common ground. If someone says " tell me about yourself, where did you go to uni? " smile and say " I didn't go, I had my DC instead. Did you enjoy your time at uni? So interesting, to hear your experiences" etc
So stick to films, books, generic stuff, avoid politics and religion.
He clearly likes you for who you are, not for the house you live in. Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved in your life so far (bringing up your kids alone, for starters). That said, if you want to become more educated then what's stopping you? You haven't said what you currently do for a living but maybe you could do a course at college while your kids are at school, if that's what you want?
Can I just ask - what business does he run? I'm dying to know what part-time home-based business brings in such a great income
because I want to do the same.
Lavender I'm very nervous about that. I was quite isolated in my marriage (ex husband is a lovely guy but I fell into depression and isolated myself a lot) so I'm genuinely not used to socialising outside of my family and a few friends. I'm so nervous about meeting his friends. He's really excited about me meeting them and wants me to meet his family and a group of friends on my next visit. Am dreading it. Am crap at conversation.
I think I've really lost my self confidence over the last decade and it's all so overwhelming now doing all this!
He does computer things. Creating phone applications and stuff clueless
I'm still a SAHM. My youngest started school in September so I'm thinking of doing something!
You're going to end up sabotaging this relationship all by yourself, unless you get this money thing out of your head and just relax, asap.
Is your house clean and tidy? That's all you need to be bothered about.
I doubt for a minute his family are going to start quizzing you on your education and drawing conclusions on what type of person you are based on your answers, at least, not at your first meeting . They're probably as nervous as you are about meeting you.
It sounds like he likes you, so just carry on being yourself.
Yes the balance was tipped in the same way with myself and DH.
He had a really good job,own house,nice car,money in the bank and no children.
I lived in a council house,no car,no money in the bank and 4DC.
I was the same,I'd seen his house first and I really dreaded him seeing my house.It was always clean and tidy,all decorated by myself.But You know what he took no notice that my house was a council house and he didn't care that I had no car or savings.
All he cared about was spending time with me and then when we'd been together long enough all he cared about was spending time with me and the children.
We had a bit of a distance as well,nothing huge 90 minutes to 2 hours depending on the traffic between were we lived.
We've been together for 10 years now and have 5DC,he's Dad to all of the children(he adopted them)and they all love him as much as he loves them.
I'm also 7 years older than my husband.But it really does work for us,all of my family love him and all of his family love me and all of his family treat all of our 5DC exactly the same.
My husband had no qualifications, a part time manual job... Etc.. My family is highly educated and very comfortable. My parents went out of there way to make him feel welcome and part of our family.
A good man is likely to have learnt his values from his parents/family. If you feel out of your depth, they are not doing it to make you feel inferior (hopefully) but that is how they communicate. My ex SIL was always looking for examples of my family looking down at her, they weren't it was just how we talked.
Trust in yourself and your partner.
Never feel ashamed if what you are. Quite simply, ban these thoughts from your head 100 per cent. Your main problem will be these thoughts, nothing else.
He's really excited about me meeting them and wants me to meet his family and a group of friends on my next visit. Am dreading it. Am crap at conversation
Well he obviously doesn't think so. He obviously thinks very highly of you to want to include you in his life. It sounds like you are just perfect for him so try to get over this insecurity and relax and be yourself. You don't have to be Steven Fry when he introduces you to friends and family - if they have any insight they will be expecting you to be nervous.
Fishy, he obviously likes you, for who you are.
Don't be down on yourself! He's said he doesn't care about the money thing, so drop it, don't mention it again.
So - is your home clean, tidy, welcoming, homely? That's what matters - not whether it's small or council accommodation.
You think you'll feel inferior to his family and friends, well don't. You were married and had children young - you cant talk about your plans for the future. I'm a SAHM and I do this all the time.
Look up OU courses, adult education etc, art classes, history, literature, pottery, horticulture, anything that interests you. You can talk about that.
Read up on current affairs, if you are not well versed on that too.
And don't show any sign of having a chip on your shoulder/feeling inferior. There is no reason to.
Thankyou guys. I know you are right. I know he loves me and I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I'm not a bad person I just didn't have the opportunities he did and my path went a different way. I have to focus on that!
I think I will look up courses. I think it would be really good for my confidence to do something like that.
This was my mum and dad's situation when they met in the 1960s. They've been happily married for 45 years! Looking back, I think Dad was drawn to Mum because of the qualities she had which so many of his 'set' didn't. Money was never an issue for him.
To a lesser degree, I have done the same thing. Initially it was a concern for me (never him) though once I realised he was genuine and we were in a secure relationship, I relaxed. I do insist on paying may way when I can, but equally, I simply appreciate the fact he gets pleasure from sharing his money with me (he's not loaded, just far better off than me!). For example, on holiday he may pay for the flight and hotel - in which case I will insist on paying for daily meals.
The only advice I can give you is look beyond the finances - there's so much more to a relationship than this. I would still feel the same way about him and love him as much if he lost everything (which he nearly did once). You letting money be a concern can only become destructive. Far better, look at the things you bring to the relationship which he can't. There will be a balance.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.