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He was married, wasn't he?

(82 Posts)
VenusInFauxFurs Sat 12-Dec-15 20:41:47

I was dating a guy for 5/6 months earlier this year. I met him through an online dating site. He lived up north but worked in London during the week. We saw each other once a week or so (although it probably averaged out slightly less overall). He rented a room in a family house when he was down south so we always met at my place.

The relationship finished because his contract down here finished and he returned to live in the North full-time. We tried to do a long distance relationship for a bit (he travelled down once at the weekend and stayed the night). We didn't see one another for the last month before he ended things saying the long distance thing was making him miserable.

We stayed in contact as friends after things ended. Just occasional chatty emails.

The thing is, I never knew his address. It came up a couple of times (once because I wanted to post him an invitation, I forget the other time) and he just kind of dodged the question and I let it go.

I mailed him the other day saying that I had a Christmas card that I wanted to post. He went uncharacteristically quiet (he answers every email within half a day or so, usually straightaway). So last night I emailed him saying "I presume you're not talking to me because you don't want me to know your address? What's that all about?"

Email from him this morning - first half is usual chatty bollocks, then he said "Just a bit uncomfortable giving you my, DS's & my registered company's address. Sorry."

It had crossed my mind before that his marriage might not be as over as he said it was (the address thing mostly, but also the fact that he isn't on any social media and well, the 'working away from home' thing would be the perfect set-up to facilitate an affair) but I had dismissed it because there were other things that made it seem less likely. Saying that he 'wasn't comfortable' with me knowing his address just made it seem likely that he is still living with his "ex". I emailed back saying "Oh, fuck off. Don't contact me again." Not my most erudite moment.

So what do you think? Have I been an unwitting Other Woman? Am I an idiot?

I know it doesn't matter now. The relationship was over and now the 'friendship' definitely is too. My friends don't refuse to let me know where they live. Even if he isn't still happily married / unhappily married / separated and cohabiting and lying about it, then it still seems fucking weird.

I suppose I want to know how to handle possible future situations like this. I have started OLD again. Although I will probably just assume that they're all adulterous arseholes until I get evidence otherwise.

Blimey, that was long. Sorry.

ScrambledEggAndToast Sat 12-Dec-15 20:45:07

Yup, I would say definitely married/long term relationship. I met my older sister for the first time about 2 years ago (long story). Anyway, she told me she had been seeing a chap for 2 years and one of the first things I said to my mum was that I thought he was married or in a long term relationship. Sure enough, within 12 months, I was proved right sadTrust your instincts.

lalalonglegs Sat 12-Dec-15 20:47:27

It does sound as if he had a wife back in his home town, otherwise why would he be going back every weekend? If he doesn't, saying that he didn't want you to know his address because you might pose some sort of risk to his son/company is just plain insulting anyway.

Suddenlyseymour Sat 12-Dec-15 20:47:40

I actually think your "oh fuck off" response is perfect. Because i think you are right, and that response from you shows you have seen through it. He's still married.

MsMims Sat 12-Dec-15 20:48:28

You're not an idiot but sounds like you were unwittingly the other woman.

Actually, I think your last email reply was spot on smile

For the future, expect to be invited over to someone's house before you getting too attached. 5/6 months is a long time for him not to have invited you over for dinner and to stay over occasionally IMO.

SelfLoathing Sat 12-Dec-15 20:52:41

& my registered company's address

No idea about the married thing but the above is b*ll*cks because a company's registered address is freely available on companies house - you can do a free company info search if you know the name of the company.

If he's a director of the company registered to his home, if you google his name in inverted commas + the company name in inverted commas ie. [ "John Smith" "Company Name Ltd"] you probably will find him and his home address.

It's pretty strange to be comfortable sleeping with someone but not to give them your address.

iwantgin Sat 12-Dec-15 20:57:41

Oh yes. It does sound like he was keeping something from you (and his wife /ow).

I think your response was totally justified

Move on. They aren't all lying toads.

Karma will bite him on the ass angry

Jaeme Sat 12-Dec-15 21:02:05

Sounds like he's married / still attached but you're not an idiot.

The people who do this type of thing are slimy and very adept at laying on the guilt when you question anything.
I met one of these OLD, any time I queried something I found odd he would shoot me down in flames and make me feel like shit. At times it was pretty scathing.

Distanced myself and took everything with a pinch of salt, talked to a friend about it who looked at his Twitter and apparently he had a partner and 2 kids despite all his protestations and offence at even the suggestion he was being untruthful.

Blocked and deleted as soon as that happened, but he's still doing the same thing to other people, utter slimeball.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 12-Dec-15 21:03:02

What Self said, if he is a director of a company there will be shedloads of info available...

cosytoaster Sat 12-Dec-15 21:06:17

Yes, definitely sounds like he's married, so good response.

leaningtoweroflego Sat 12-Dec-15 21:09:25

I'd be tempted to tell the wife tbh. I know a lot of people disagree about this, but if it was me i'd want to know.

foragogo Sat 12-Dec-15 21:11:02

Is he a contractor? I've known double figures who do this, quite openly. Down in London for work, wife or gf and kids at home, shag around in the week and back home at the weekends for family life. Cushy. Its absolute bollocks what he told you, my company registered address is my home address and as others have said, that info is freely available and presents no risk to his company if anyone knows it. Also bollocks about his son being part of his company unless he is older than 18. Hes a player and you're well rid. If he was single he'd move to London permanently to work.

Fuckitfay Sat 12-Dec-15 21:11:37

I'd be tempted to look up the address on the companies house website and send him the card anyway
Presume you know the company name ?

lorelei9 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:12:02

excellent reply if you ask me!

it's farcical to say you won't give out a company address.

I bet if you look up the company you will find it's his business registered to his home address with his wife as one of the named directors.

TimeToMuskUp Sat 12-Dec-15 21:13:39

Yeah, it sounds very much that way. But OW or not, lets just put one thing straight; the onus is on him, the shit is on him. You met someone you liked, took it slow and behaved perfectly well. If he didn't, that makes him the prick. If his wife/DP was ever to find out, the onus still wouldn't be on you. Don't feel guilty that you may have been the OW. Feel glad you got away from such a twat.

Also, DH and I own a business, our address is on the Companies House website freely available to anyone with access to the internet. Clearly he had something to hide. Your response was grand.

FreeWorker1 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:15:52

Its very easy to find his address if you know his name and the town he lives in. From there you can find everyone who lives at the address. There are various services on the internet that are partly free.

But then would you want to?

foragogo Sat 12-Dec-15 21:16:08

Yes deffo justvgoogle his full name it will all come up. Or conpanies house. His wife will be named as a shareholder or co director and she will faff about opening his mail etc at the home/company address to justfiy her being an "employee" so he can pay her a salary to offset tax and take advantage of her tax free allowance. Which is why he doesnt want you sending a card to that address. Old, old story.

FreeWorker1 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:16:50

Everyone who does OLD should do background checks like that its pretty cheap and easy.

HowBadIsThisPlease Sat 12-Dec-15 21:21:26

It almost doesn't matter if he is married (although it does to his wife, obviously) because for whatever reason, he doesn't really trust you or regard you as sincerely as you did him - whether you're shagging or not, as you say, friends know each others' addresses. So in other words you weren't a real friend and it wasn't a sincere relationship and I bet that feels really shit. Sorry. flowers

But it's not you! It's him.

VenusInFauxFurs Sat 12-Dec-15 21:23:39

Thanks for all your responses. Nice to know I wasn't leaping to ridiculous conclusions.

Actually, I mentioned it my adult DD earlier today and her first response was "He's still married. What an arsehole." I really hate the fact that I have been facilitating another woman being cheated on.

lalalonglegs - "otherwise why would he be going back every weekend?"

Because, ostensibly, his DS (late teens) lived with his mother during the week and with him at weekends.

* MsMims - "For the future, expect to be invited over to someone's house before you getting too attached. "*

Good advice. I will bear it in mind for the future. Honest. However in this case, his home was 200 miles away and the place he lodged during the week was the home of a married couple and their child. My house was empty and therefore the obvious option for unrestrained kinky sex shenanigans.

Self-Loathing and Chipped - Don't encourage me to stalk the fucker! Actually, I did do a search under his name on Companies House but nothing came up under his name in the town he says he lives in. He has a LinkedIn account which might have his company name (he is a contractor) but I am STEPPING AWAY FROM THE ONLINE STALKING NOW. No good will come of it.

Am feeling better about the "Oh, fuck off" email now. In the unlikely event that he isn't a philanderer, he's still some kind of cunt. He seemed so nice, as well. sad

lorelei9 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:26:53

FreeWorker - I'm exdirectory and not on the shortened electoral register thingy...which I hope means I can't be found.... I know that's not applicable to companies, just wondered from what you said.

FreeWorker1 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:38:10 you can find people who are ex directory if you pay for the premium service.

Obviously any company director can be found via Companies House.

There is a MN poster who demonstrated in real time she can find any poster on MN in just a few minutes by searching key facts in their posts.

No one is invisible.

foragogo Sat 12-Dec-15 21:40:15

If you want me to look at his linked in profile id be quite happy to smile. However, i think your attitude is great, move on from him. You enjoyed the sex, you did nothing wrong, you didn't know. Dont dwell on it. It'll all go horribly wrong for him eventually. Ive been working with similar people for 20 years, it always catches up with them eventually. And they're not all at it for anyone whose partner works away, but many are. I think the fact he gave you up so easily when his contract ended speaks volumes. He knew he couldn't have a long term relationship with you as he couldn't invite you up to see him and so it was no longer convenient. These types are incredibly adept at compartmentalising, you would have had no idea if hadnt met one before.

SanityClause Sat 12-Dec-15 21:43:00

If it's a company registered office, you can look him up on companies house, and find his company's registered office, anyway, provided he gave you the correct name, of course.

I'd find it and send him a Christmas card, just to mess with his head, if I were you. (Well, I wouldn't, but it's fun thinking about it.)

lorelei9 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:43:43

Free - unless I've very much mistaken, will only publish your details if you are on the Edited Electoral Roll - which I'm not. Surely the whole point of ticking that opt out box is that you aren't on the EER? confused

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