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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Told me he loves me, we can't be together, can things stay like they were?

62 replies

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 19:26

I've been friends with a man 12 years my senior, for 2 years. He's divorced and has 3 kids. He doesn't want anymore.

I'm 30 and do want kids very much. On that basis nothing has ever happened between us. I'm fact he's had a partner for the last 2 years. I'm currently single but dating.

Last week, we were both drunk, he told me he loved me, and had done for a few months. He said he understood regarding children and that me and him would never be anything because he respected the fact I do want them. He also said he felt perhaps I felt love too, even if not to the same extent. He is right, I have felt I loved him for months but didn't say because of the children reason.

We have talked about it since and he said he couldn't keep it from me any longer and he doesn't want to hurt me, that he will always be there for me and can't imagine not being in my life in the same way he always has.

This has confused me. I sort of knew he felt this way, we had never even kissed or said anything about it, because there is no point. I knew he went home to his new ish partner and he knows I go on dates.

Now it has been said, can we realistically go back to how it was before?

OP posts:

Report

TokenGinger · 12/12/2015 19:46

He's in a relationship. Stop being friends with this man out of respect for the poor, unaware woman involved.

bigbumbrunette · 12/12/2015 19:50

It sounds like he's lining you up for a 'cake and eating it' situation.

Hillfarmer · 12/12/2015 19:54

It would be nice if you could go back to the way it was before, but based on experience, it never really does. You are both going to be hyper-concious of what has happened, and let's face it, he is the one that is sitting pretty - he's had his kids and he has a (permanent?) partner of two years. He has no right to start messing with your heart. Absolutely not.

In fact the more I think about it, the more unfair it looks. He is playing with you and at the same time inflating his ego fabulously. I would go so far as to say that your chances of finding happiness almost depend on not seeing this man any more. He is dangling something in front of you, why? What does he want, an affair? Next time you are both drunk, what's going to happen?

I think maybe this friendship has found its natural end. He has a partner. It is not a matter of whether he wants any more children or not - he has a partner. What's he playing at for fuck's sake? He would go down in my estimation right there.

Go out and find a decent, single chap to have babies with. End of.

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 20:15

I know what you are saying about his partner. It isn't like that though. What he said to me was genuine and heartfelt and he has in no way put me under pressure to stay friends with him. I feel the same way about him but I want children so it is not something I could consider. So I don't want him to break up with his partner. And similarly he does not want me to not go on dates or find a husband.

OP posts:

KeepOnMoving1 · 12/12/2015 20:25

And similarly he does not want me to not go on dates or find a husband.

Well you don't need to obey him do you. He has a partner, why are you entertaining this man?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:36

And when you're together, childless, and phe's telling this to his next bit on the side, what then?

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 20:37

I'm not his bit on the side. That's my point. We are friends and nothing has ever happened between us...

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 12/12/2015 20:44

"I'm not his bit on the side."
Yes you are.

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 20:46

How exactly? We are friends. I don't feel that I am anything on the side.

OP posts:

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:47

Oh lotus, you are being warmed up to be. This is where he's heading.

pictish · 12/12/2015 20:48

You are so.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:49

If you'd have jumped on him, he'd have said yes. He's warming you up, and now you're all in a tizz

summerainbow · 12/12/2015 20:51

This man is not your freinds . He is someone who wants to fucking you.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:52

Oh and if he was overheard by his current partner, what do you think she would say.

What a fucking charmer

timelytess · 12/12/2015 20:53

You are, and you may be one of many. He now knows you're primed. Next, he tells you his secrets.

Its a bugger to work with because they are so very 'genuine'. You're going to hurt him and you'll feel bad about that. But he's too old and he doesn't want children. Find a fit lad your own age and make babies. That will take your mind off the old bloke.

iMatter · 12/12/2015 20:53

Of course he's lining you up to be his bit on the side.

He's doing that "chase" thing at the moment and is enjoying it all. He's telling you how much you mean to him, he loves you, can't live without you, he's trapped/can't leave his current relationship for now. Blah blah...

Walk away before you get sucked in and waste years of your life.

He knows you want children which makes his behaviour particularly cruel.

pictish · 12/12/2015 20:54

Yes...what would his partner have thought of that conversation do you think?

Now tell me you're just friends.

Joysmum · 12/12/2015 20:54

He's playing blinding game, opening your mind to possibilities, you'll feel like he respects and cares for you and be tempted to consummate your love.

He knows how to play you but the fact remains that he's a complete cunt who professes being in love with you whilst fucking his girlfriend.

Do yourself a favour and wake up to him.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:54

Oh and while he's hanging around peddling this crap, you won't find anyone to have a future with as you'll get tied in to him.

Cut him off, be true to yourself OP, find happiness elsewhere.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 12/12/2015 20:55

He has a partner of 2 years but is telling you he loves you and you're having "oh boo hoo we're star crossed lovers, we couldn't keep our feelings from each other any longer" conversations.

How can you genuinely believe you're not his bit on the side? Do you think that just because nothing physical has happened, that makes it so?

Stop faux angsting about whether things can go back to the way they were and give this arsewipe a huge swerve in future.

LIZS · 12/12/2015 20:57

So you've been flirting for 2 years knowing he had a partner. What are you looking for? He wants no more kids but fancies you. You want kids? Doesn't sound like a happy ever after to me.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 20:57

Oh and 'can things be as they were?'

No. Because he's after more.

Sorry.

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DinosaursRoar · 12/12/2015 21:26

He has a partner. He isn't ending his relationship with his partner, dispite being in love with someone else who isn't her.

On the other hand, he is telling you he doesn't want you to have a partner.

What he wants, is to continue his relationship with his partner, but for you to not have a partner so he can be at least emotionally the person you prioritise, even if he's getting sex from the woman he doesn't love.

He has found a nice neat solution to the problem that you two can't have a happy life together as you both want different things - he stops you having it with someone else, whilst not having a formal relationship with you so you can't push for children/marriage etc from him, yet he doesn't have to go without sex as he's got a DP. Brilliant. For him.

Walk away, this man isn't your friend, he doesn't want to be your friend. While you have an emotional affair with him (which is what it is if he's got a relationship with someone else), you won't be emotionally available to any man you meet so any dates /relationships you have won't work out and you will never get what you want.

This isn't the man for you, and you aren't friends. Walk away now. Stop being available to meet up with him.

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 21:30

Not once has he said he doesn't want me to have a partner! I talk about dates I've been on with him like I would with anyone else.

Not once has he been controlling or disrespectful.

It isn't like that. He told me he loves me and it's hard tnat we don't want the same things. I feel the same way about him.

Of course it isn't ideal he has a partner but life isn't always that simple.

OP posts:

TPel · 12/12/2015 21:38

Why did he have to say anything?

He is a player and you are his next toy.

I don't understand why you are giving this any head room. He is an arse of the first order. Tell him to fuck off and forget him.

Flip

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