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Any advice on how to find love that isn't love yourself! Googling generates nothing but love yourself first! I didn't look for love until I was ready.

(43 Posts)
ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 13:10:21

That's just it really. The entire internet, and all it seems to offer me in the way of advice is love yourself first. I'd never want to stick around anybody who treated me badly, so that's not the issue here.

Just wondering if anybody had anything a little more appropriate for a woman (in her mid forties) who does love herself but doesn't meet men in real life.

By the way, I've done internet dating and it's too soon to give up. But soon enough to see a pattern emerging. The pattern is that I weed out the weirdos and only meet up with very nice men but in actual fact they're treading water with me until they can find a younger more attractive version of me. How can I break this pattern?

pocketsaviour Sat 12-Dec-15 13:20:07

Dating is a numbers game - you've got to just keep your options open and keep going. Sorry I know that's shit, but if you don't meet potential partners through work and/or socialising, what else are you going to do? I don't think there's any way of weeding out these "You'll do until something better comes along" types - because in a way, aren't we all doing that when we date, until we find someone we really like?

Any opportunity to meet men in a less "forced" environment? Meetup type groups maybe?

Cabrinha Sat 12-Dec-15 13:20:34

I have read advice about unashamedly asking friends to throw every possible contact your way. Numbers game.

Which is also the OLD thing - keep dating.

What is encouraging is that you have dated nice men. My sister said that to me recently "I know it hasn't worked out for you yet, but you really do seem to find some nice men" and that really buoyed - OLD isn't all married men, men after sex and weirdos!

Are you sure they're treading water waiting for someone younger?
I do think there's a problem with perceived sweetie store with OLD. But I can't say I've felt anyone it hasn't worked with has been waiting for younger. Is that perhaps something you're projecting as it's a fear?

ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 15:52:56

Cabrinha, I think you could be right, obviously it's true that men like younger women but at the same time, men I meet on line are looking for something they haven't found yet (like me) and maybe I'm projecting my worst fears on to them.

Pocketsaviour, thanks! I'm trying to be braver in real life. At the very least, OLD seems to have eroded what I thought was dignity but actually turns out to be pointless self-consciousness .. so I am getting braver about letting people know I like them and letting people know I would like to meet somebody.

flatbellyfella Sat 12-Dec-15 19:16:31

Use your female charm on the men you meet in your everyday life, (the ones you like the look of ) a nice smile will light up your face & make you look like someone they can engage with, should they be looking for love too.

RedMapleLeaf Sat 12-Dec-15 19:45:37

What do you mean by "how to find love"? Do you mean how to find a man who wants the same kind of relationship as you, which I'll guess is along the lines of sexual exclusivity, attending social events together, meeting and spending time with each other's friends, spending evenings together at home, spending time with each other's families, supporting each other through the difficulties and mundaneness of life?

I think you should define "finding love" as wide as you can. That way you are less choosy about who you smile at, talk to, date etc. I'm not saying you should lower your standards in terms of a partner but aim to fill your life with people who share similar interests, mutual friends, equal values etc.

ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 20:37:39

Yes, nothing particularly unsual, I mean finding an emotional connection combined with an attraction - but to get that within a committed romantic relationship. es to being supportive, going out sometimes, but not needing to be out all the time. Enjoying some domesticity. I'm independent but not invincible, I feel loneliness occasionally. I find it very easy to get on with colleagues and neighbours and to make friends (female friends) but men don't view me as somebody they'd want to have a relationship with.

The spending time with each others friends doesn't sound very important to me. But what do I know. I haven't had a relationship in so long. There could well be some blind spot in my "self-awareness".

RedMapleLeaf Sat 12-Dec-15 20:53:45

My point was that you shouldn't go looking with the aim of finding that perfect relationship. You should be open to all sorts of connections.

BrandNewAndImproved Sat 12-Dec-15 20:58:37

It's so off-putting that you spend time getting to know someone and letting them get to know you and it doesn't work out.

I don't meet many men in my line of work, OLD is crap and I'm not good at being picked up. I have a resting bitch face which doesn't help and when I get smiled at before they approach I don't know what to do so look straight through them.

Is it true about men only liking younger women or is it a stereotype? You don't see that many longterm couples with huge age gaps.

flatbellyfella Sat 12-Dec-15 21:17:31

Older women for me have more experience of life & what it throws at them, l don't think you can say, all men go for younger women, some do. There are probably as many women that go for younger men over more mature fellas.

chippyoikintinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 23:12:24

Redmapleleafs, over the last decade, apart from two short relationships that I ended because it became clear that they weren't right, I've been single! so I'm not trying to manufacture what isn't there.. I'm sociable, well-adjusted, independent, kind... I am close to people. I make friends easily enough. It's not that I am closed to any connection other than a relationship. But after a decade (with two short breaks), I just want somebody who is a boyfriend. Feels like an admission of weakness to type that.

flatbellyfella thank you for your comment. Reassuring to know that not everybody is blind to women my age.
brandnew thanks, lol at resting bitch face!

XinaW Sat 12-Dec-15 23:50:19

I've been single for 15 years now. I'm almost 50, not overweight, easy ably attractive, intelligent and dress well....can I find anyone interested in me on dating sites: no.
A couple of sites I went on a few years back meant I met one or two guys, while others I went on were useless as 8 didn't even get a contact.
I have given up with online dating.
I tried meeting people though meet ups but found them very cliquey: three local ones weren't that welcoming to newbies...a few people chatted with me for a while but seemed there to catch up with people they hadn't seen for a while. Also some of the guys were clearly out to try and get a date and targeted certain women.
Whatever it is these guys are looking for they don't find even a glimmer of it in me.
I'm intending to remain a super well dressed middle aged singleton and if someone comes along the fab, but if they don't then it's their loss :0)

XinaW Sat 12-Dec-15 23:51:22

Ps that should say reasonably, not easy ably...stupid iPad!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 13-Dec-15 08:01:32

The pattern is that I weed out the weirdos and only meet up with very nice men but in actual fact they're treading water with me until they can find a younger more attractive version of me. How can I break this pattern?

I have found the same thing, tbh.

They get on with 'me' fine, find 'me' attractive etc, but are disappointed that I'm me and not a 10/15+ years younger version of me.

My single male friends confirm this. They are all looking for someone younger than us. The only thing that changes is by how much younger. None of them would date older. And these aren't alpha male blokey types.

I'm not bothered now. I've pretty much accepted that I don't want the 55yo+ men who do show an interest but that no one else does so that's that then!

flatbellyfella I think that when men find themselves single again in their 40s, they start to resent the years they 'wasted' with with their ex and on having children, and seek to relive those years with a new younger women. I think they promise themselves that, this time round, it eill be different. That this time, they will have more sex while their woman is young and attractive, that they won't waste their woman's most attractive years surrounded by nursing bras and comfortable clothes.

Obviously, not all men think like that, but then they are usually the men who stick with their wives and make a strong and happy marriage rather than looking elsewhere.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 13-Dec-15 08:03:49

Sorry, fbf I thought it was you who made the comment you don't see many ltr with big age gaps. I'm on my phone.

chippyoikintinsel Sun 13-Dec-15 11:09:10

folkgirl I was on a lovely date with a man only barely 2 years younger than I am and out of the blue (it seemed to me) he asked if I'd ever gone out with a younger man. I saw myself as being his age. So taken aback I said, 'eh yes, last summer'. I thought no more of it but later I realised, it's not that he sees himself as a younger man, how could he at 42 but that I'm an older woman. I look a damn sight better for my age than he does to. Am I allowed say that without being minced for my arrogance?!

Anyway, I'll keep looking. I think if I'm alone in my old age it will comfort me to know that I did try to meet somebody.

flatbellyfella Sun 13-Dec-15 12:21:31

Age preference has a lot to answer for, so long as both parties are looking for a loving relationship, I can not see why "Men" over 55 are looked at, as "no one else wants them". Maybe the ones on dating sites are like that.
Having never done, or never will do on line dating, my chances of meeting someone seem to be gone, seeing as I am now retired & away from the workplace. I find people don't want to interact in conversation whilst out & about. Most of my friendly conversations are with the check out girls & boys at my local supermarket,most of them are 35 years my junior , & they are always in a rush to get you through to serve the next customer.

sefoolie Sun 13-Dec-15 12:38:48

The men of 55 could EASILY find a partner if they'd consider a woman their own age.

I had a message from a man 13 years older yesterday to say that the older the fiddle the sweeter the tune... i replied to ask if that applied to women too? He replied with an um yes + swift conversation change. I did not reply.

I wonder how much success men have pursuing significantly younger women on line. Who are all these women in their 30s happy to date an older man?

I blame hollywood. It makes men believe ageing doesnt apply to men.

Internet dating messaging is 95% first messages which are ignored. One real life date for every two hundred messages.

flatbellyfella Sun 13-Dec-15 13:01:31

Do people that do on line dating, advertise their social standing in profiles,
For example... Home owner, own car, Divorced/separated,good sense of humour . If they do, it must be a gold diggers delight trawling for victims.

sefoolie Sun 13-Dec-15 13:35:00

Well, is victim the right word flatbellyfella, I've a friend at work who's much younger than I am. I wouldn't call her a gold digger as she is a nice woman who despite her youth has already been screwed over royally by her first h. She's broke with two dependants. She is only 30 though, and beautiful. She's been on a few dates with men of 40 ish, and of course she is looking for that extra financial security to make up for what was ripped from beneath her the first time round. I wouldn't call her a gold digger though, as she does want the man to be attractive and decent and all of the other qualities she'd want if the man were younger. But yes, trade off for youth, if she ends up with an oder man, he is going to have to own his own house and have spare money.

I think men do advertise their status in the profiles I've read. I'm always reading that men are ambitious and that they've built up their own business and now they want somebody to share the good times with. I also see pictures of men on tennis courts, men on yachts. Their yacht? I don't know. didn't ask.

sefoolie Sun 13-Dec-15 13:37:16

Everybody is reacting to the last disaster though. My first h was wealthy and powerful and thought that money equalled power so now I want somebody who has about the same as me. I want equality. I don't want wealth buying more say in a relationship just so I can ride around in a slightly newer car. I'd rather be heard and respected by a man with a yaris. But we all live and learn and react to the last disaster I think.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 14:30:28

I'd rather be heard and respected by a man with a yaris. But we all live and learn and react to the last disaster I think.
same here, sefooloie. Mind you, to find such equality and true love and attraction is no easy thing! especially when in your 30s/40s when most nice men tend to be already in LTRs. There are divorced ones of course,. out ofthose some would not want another ltr, so that leaves a smallish number compared to when you are in your 20s with a huge pool of single men. Or in your late 60s+ with divorced or widowed men wanting to have company in older age. I'd say late 30s-40s is the hardest, 50s a little better re opportunity.

flatbellyfella Sun 13-Dec-15 14:42:30

Sefoolie my term "gold digger" was not meant to demean your friend or others in her situation, I was thinking more of men who charm their way into the lives of lonely vulnerable women just to take them for all they can. It's something you read about in the newspapers often.

sefoolie Sun 13-Dec-15 14:43:02

yes, maybe it gets better, when the men closer to your own age give up on finding a young thing? I do think it's sad that there's such a disconnect between men and women. That so many women are looking for equality, respect, companionship, affection, love, and men are looking for (to quote somebody I read on here a while ago) the youngest woman they can stick their dick in .................... it's just such a huge huge chasm between what the two sexes want from each other. And unfortunately women comply more with what men want than the other way around. It's a man's world, generally and it's a man's world dating too.

flatbellyfella Sun 13-Dec-15 15:09:05

Another big obstacle is the location of your choice of dates, outside of your comfortable traveling distance becomes a problem, & would limit the amount of contact you have.

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