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I think I want to leave DP

(10 Posts)
purpleaura Fri 11-Dec-15 21:39:36

I read so many threads on here by people with excellent reasons to leave their partners. I am worried I'm going to throw away a potentially good relationship with my sons father for a flimsy reason: I'm not that happy. No ones done anything wrong. It's just not really working. I'm lying here comforting my 2yo who's screaming because he misses his daddy, and feeling terribly guilty.

I had cancer earlier this year (v little support from dp) and it is making me reassess my whole life. I'm only 32 and I feel like I deserve to be happy. We are seeing a relationship counsellor, the 2nd one actually, because the 1st wasn't really helping much. I'm currently at a point where I absolutely can't stand the man. Mostly for his lack of self awareness. He thinks I'm depressed and that I'm the problem in our relationship. He thinks I'm broken and need fixing. I'm seeing a counsellor and working hard to challenge myself and try to get more or of life. He won't see a counsellor for himself
This is really rambling, I apologise.
If I did leave him, it'd be an enormous lifestyle change because I'm currently a sahm. I want to be caring for my boy every day. I love it. I hate working (was a teacher). It's frankly terrifying to think how on earth I'd manage. No family nearby so there'd be childcare costs to pay out of my salary. I don't know what i'd do.

Its just shit the way it is. We're temporarily separated at the moment and my life is so much fucking better, and easier. I'm not myself around him, I just go to pieces. He's not a git or anything, honestly, but I don't really understand what happens when he's there. I can't think straight.

This is feeling like a v self pitying post. Is it ok to leave, and deny my son a live-in father? Reassuring stories please! Thanks for reading x

IamlovedbyG Fri 11-Dec-15 21:45:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cake0rdeath Fri 11-Dec-15 22:14:22

I'm in a very similar situation. I go back and forth between should I stay and should I go pretty much daily.
On the one hand he's a great dad and DS adores him. He works hard and is an inherently good guy.
On the other, he can be a selfish, unsupportive and cold tit who doesn't pull his weight.
I just think life would be so much easier if it was just me and DS. I know that we'd remain friendly as there isn't defined animosity-we've just grown so far apart that the gap seems insurmountable. I'm not even particularly upset at the prospect of the marriage breaking down.
I, like you, am worried that this means a huge change in lifestyle. I work PT and would probably have to up to FT hours. If you're serious about calling it a day, could you maybe go back into the classroom in a support role? Pupil support assistant plus tax credits and financial support from your partner would keep you afloat.
I can't help but thinking that my level of dissatisfaction is normal for the length of time we've been together and I'm maybe grass is greenering. You should solid in your resolve. If you're done, you're done and there's no shame in that. I admire the bravery-wish I could heed my own advice.

Cake0rdeath Fri 11-Dec-15 22:17:13


Your son will survive. Just because dad doesn't live at home a note doesn't mean that your son will be adversely affected. Surely having a mum who is visibly happier and a dad who gives undivided attention when he's with him is better than him accepting that the current atmosphere is the norm?

ConkersDontScareSpiders Sat 12-Dec-15 07:04:38

I was in a similar position and H is now on the verge of moving out.I think and hope I will be happier-felt we were both just living a sort of half life before-it was ok and from the outside looked great-but our marriage was kind of benign.Not awful but just not a romantic or very sexual relationship anymore.
I'm nervous about the future-financially it will be tight and life will have to be 'smaller' for some time because of this.Plus it will all be on me-before I could have probably given up work had I wanted to-now that will never be a possibility.And I'm worried for the DD's, who so far have been remarkably unfussed, but who knows how it might come out in them later.But I'm also kind of excited-because at least now there is a possibility that we will both be happier-and I think that's worth pursuing.I haven't felt engaged in my life like this for a long time and it's been a surprise even to me how much I missed that feeling.
You seem to be giving it a fair go with the counselling etc-but perhaps give yourself a set time to see if you both can improve it and if not decide that's when you will finally decide?

Handywoman Sat 12-Dec-15 10:07:28

If you've had cancer and your dp wasn't supportive that's a deal breaker - no counsellor is going to 'fix' that, and it's perfectly OK to leave. If you are happier without him around then that's your answer. The money and everything else will sort itself out.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sat 12-Dec-15 10:19:41

My ex always blamed our difficulties on my mental health issues, when actually I eventually saw his EA behaviour made me so ill.

We separated 9 months ago and I've never looked back. My boys are 5 and 3 and rarely (if ever) cry about missing their dad, kids are incredibly resilient.

Pringlesandwine Sat 12-Dec-15 10:24:32

I was you this time last year. Just unhappy. And looking into the future and not seeing any difference.
So I left 6 months ago. And I'm happy. Less money, smaller house, but happy.
And my child is happier with 2 parents who are apart but better parents for it.
Good luck OP. It was the bravest thing I've ever done but the relief was instant and I've never regretted my decision.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 12-Dec-15 11:01:05

When you have children, of course you can't stroll in and out of relationships as easily as you could when there was no-one else's happiness and stability to consider, as you are clearly aware. That said, if one person is doing all the working on it because the other doesn't even acknowledge there's a problem, that ain't gonna work. You both need to be on the same page. What with failing to be supportive when you had (most people's ultimate horror disease) cancer and since dismissing your unhappiness as some kind of personality fault it really doesn't sound as though your partner is in the same book, let alone page. Does he regard you as a full human being with your own thoughts, feelings and rights to self-determination, or do you feel relegated to a sort of role-related existence where what you do (for him) is what/all you are? I used to say I felt XH saw me as "essence of wifeness" rather than a real person. He said "don't be silly", but that's what he usually said when he didn't have an answer...

As for working whilst having a small child, sometimes it does suck but just has to be done. You will still be looking after your boy every day, just not all day every day. Many children benefit just as much (some even more) from a change of scene and gain confidence from having their care needs met by a variety of people. The logistics may be a problem but the emotional side is likely to work out a lot better than you fear.

Jux Sat 12-Dec-15 14:02:33

You can't think straight when he's there? That smacks of something rather serious going on, and if it is, then it's not you.

Compounded by the fact that you're so much happier and more yourself when he's not there, I'd say there's little reason for debate.

Go back to your family where you'll have support and help with childcare. Reassess. Look at a different career. Spend time remembering who you are.

Go now. I'm struggling not to say RUN, and there, I've said it.

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