how do you feel about this?

[littleraysofsunshine]

We've been together ten years. Three littles under 5, expecting another and I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past five years.

I know we made this path.

And it sounds so silly but I get so wound up by it.

How would you feel when your partner gets nights out? Or football days?

I don't do anything for me, I never have time away from the kids and part of it is timing, energy and my confidence but he's just gone to a family party, we both couldn't go as no sitter, and I feel like crap anyway but I still get pissed off and feel resentful and been childish probably.

Going out isn't the main thing here I just feel like I've lost myself along the way, he hasn't. And I know it's my problem but I end up taking it out on nights like this and feel crap.

I've posted on other topics about it. I do want to try but I literally feel strapped for time, my friends don't bother with me, I've lost motivation for myself, no hobbies, and it's the festive period which means I'll be indoors and he'll be out... I have to put a lol as I feel I'm being so childish.

I hope this has been worded ok.

[littleraysofsunshine]

I think the main thing is how would you feel if you felt resentful against your OH because they still have their 'life' aside from being parents (which is the best job of course, but I feel sad I don't know me anymore)

[goddessofsmallthings]

Is there any reason why you couldn't have gone to the family party while he stayed home with the dc?

With regard to further events over the festive season, if you can't afford a sitter can you take it in turns to attend them so that you're also able to mix and mingle with other adults?

[TempusEedjit]

^^ What goddess said

[venusandmars]

Well I know that some of the advice on here will be "if he has a night out, then you need a night out" - a real tit for tat arrangement, but tbh, if you've not been out much then I think taking it more gradually can be better (better for you, not capitulating to your dh).

So find something you want to do for 15 minutes ( a meditation app, or filing and painting your toenails, or reading something in a book or magazine ) and then do that at least 3 or 4 times a week.

Then as you get used to taking time for yourself, and enjoying it, either expand the time or increase the number of times you do it.

Enjoy how you feel, don't feel guilty about time away from your dc - they will be fine and safe with your dp - and minute by minute you can find yourself again.

You don't have to spend (much) money or leave the house - 10 minutes with a hula hoop, or 20 minutes following poetry writing course - whatever floats your boat, experiment and find it..

[VintageTrouble]

I had 3 under 5 and I was never interested in going out when pregnant. So I would have my relaxing time in the house - have a rest in the afternoon, having a bath and him sorting the kids bedtime, lie in or DH doing night shifts.

If he won't step up to the plate then, you really do have a right to be cross. If you don;t want to go out, and he's gone out - then I do understand but YABalittleU imo

[AnyFucker]

why doesn't he take his turn caring for his kids while you get to go out ?

[mamas12]

Also you could invite a few friends family round to your both having responsibility for the prep. And clear up
Keep it simple and casual at first and then go spend an hour to go swimming no kids or something.
Is your dh pulling his weight in the home?

[springydaffs]

From what you're saying, you don't have the confidence to go out alone eg to the party? Plus your 'friends' have vanished so it's not easy to find people to go out with.

But there always cafes, the cinema (biggest treat in the world going alone imo), moseying around the shops etc. What we're your interests pre DC? Could you do a bit of that in the time off your going to get when dh alternate on the going out !

As for resentment - I felt resentful that my husband could read a paper at his leisure, choose to stop for a coffee when he plain chose - he was free, basically, for the majority of the day. And I only had the one child/baby!

[littleraysofsunshine]

He does s lot st home. I think my confidence is an issue.

The issue tonight was no sitter. If we did, then we would've gone as a couple but pregnancy just makes me tired and I know I would've had to come home alone while he stayed with family at the party.

I just get annoyed because he still has his confidence/ life if you see what I mean and that's wrong of me.

He has started drinking a lot too (in the evenings) not excessive but like 3-4 beers a night. Where as I've not been a drinker since my teens ten years ago really and he's not been one until this year. So that's getting to me as uneven if we did go out and I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't enjoy it as he'd be sloshed.

Back to the point, I know I need to change, just finding it hard go using on it when I'm just so busy. By the end of each day I want to rest not go to a class/ cinema. My friends don't seem interested either.

How often do you get alone time/ couple time? Being parents to smalls.

[pallasathena]

You need a routine. Once you've sorted out a realistic daily routine and stick to it, you can factor in proper 'me time' of an evening for yourself. Even if its only an hour or two where you get to watch a film, have a nice dinner with candles for just the two of you, you have to make it happen and not just let stuff happen to you.
Its all about taking control, being in the now and setting things in motion to make life more happy and fulfilling for yourself. And only you can do that.
Is the glass half full or is it half empty? Try and go for making it half full. I used to fake it till I made it and over time and a bit of determination, it worked for me.

[Isetan]

It's not surprising you feel the way you do but what the hell did you think was going to happen by having a fourth child in five years?

There are things you can do to redress the balance but first, you need to acknowledge your role in all this and stop hiding behind being a mum and blaming others for not prioritising you, when you don't yourself. If you really want to change the status quo then you, have to do different.

Your H's drinking is not good and if he's putting that much away of an evening, how involved can he really be with his children and wife? It's time for some straight talking, with yourself as well as your H.

[pictish]

I'm torn about this. In the interests of honesty I have to agree that you have chosen this state of affairs by having four children in five years. That was only ever going to result in a protracted period of intensive and restrictive childcare. It's up to you to keep your hand in as a person outside of 'mum'. There's nothing stopping you from going out or seeing friends while your dh is at home. You just have to make it so.

[pictish]

Also agree with venus - even if you don't fancy going out out, make time for an interest anyway.

[springydaffs]

Harsh! Our feelings may or may not be logical but they are valid nonetheless.

So, op, what were your interests before you had kids?

[littleraysofsunshine]

In no way am I naive in thinking having four kids aged just five and under wouldn't effect things.

With regards to his nights out/free time. I just feel that it shouldn't be taken for granted, so don't get so drunk that you can't help with the kids he next day when I've been up all night with them. They don't have sleepovers as the girls dos but problems with in laws stopped this and the little boy just won't settle. So I don't mind staying in as I'm not exactly fit to be going out in pregnant state ;) but I just want to get a balance.

I know I need to try and have me time. It's just been hard trying to fit things in in between multiple school runs a day (6) and then around DP's work (works late most days) so when he eats in I'm so shattered and ready for bed not a fitness class for example. Or his football every Saturday. Which leaves me Sunday when he's home but then if I take that time, we get no time as a family as we don't any other time.

[Isetan]

What do you do as a family on Sunday that is so precious, that you're using it as an excuse for not getting out there and making time for yourself? Complaining and handwringing aren't well known motivators of change. Yes there is an imbalance but it appears that you're waiting for him to redress it and as he's quite happy with the status quo, you're going to be waiting a long time.

[littleraysofsunshine]

We have lunch together, spend time playing with the kids, and getting ready for the week ahead. Sometimes we visit family or have a day out.