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180 degree reversals

(32 Posts)
miserylurvescompany Fri 11-Dec-15 18:54:46

Has anyone ever experienced a partner that they were simminly very happy with, living with or married to really suddenly just completely change and leave them?

When I say suddenly I mean one day everything is fine and they love and and can't do enough for you and the next day they are gone and pactically seem to hate you and basiclly ut you out of their life never to know them again?

Not for another woman just because they decided to do it?

Lexia123 Fri 11-Dec-15 21:42:04

Sadly yes! And three months later I'm still trying to figure out why. Sucks doesn't it? I don't think I'll ever really know.

miserylurvescompany Fri 11-Dec-15 22:27:20

It's just hard to understand

OhYesToYestyn Sat 12-Dec-15 21:29:45

I really don't believe for a minute that they've changed in one day in their attitude, must have been an act for a while - some people aer very good at acting. It was of course building up, though not necessaarily for long, but months at least! Especially of no OW/OM (though most likely an OW/M played a role even if not involved with him directly). Some people haev a few silent crushes and eventually it clicks that their partner just isn't doing it for them anymore.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 00:25:11

Honestly no OW.

18 months since it happenned and no OW.

Celibate actually seemingly- saw he put himself on POF a few weeks after he left but only wrote "blah, blah" on the description and never filled it out - so he seems to have thought of looking and then not bothered.

Together 3 years. No changes at all in affection, sex (daily!), communication, time together. If anything I thought he loved me more. Everything as it has always been and then he just said out of nowhere he didn't love me and left and never came home ever again.

I know it sounds off for someone to do that but it did happen.

Thanks for the PMS I got who had this happen to them. I did read the book runaway husbands. I suppose for me the diferrence was no OW. Just could not understand the motivation of walking out on your life completely like that without the other person having any sign you weren't happy.

Ive got a card from three months before "You make me the happiest man alive every single day". That was how it was, then he vanished, seemed to hate me and cut me off totally.

He did have depression for a couple of months before he did it, quite severe, but apart from that no sign at all anything was wrong with him. He's still got depression and acts like a really horrible, selfish and cold person. Nothing like the man I lived with for three years. Chalk and cheese.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 01:02:50

well that's what I thought as an option - depression. There's no 'apart from..' as if it's some minor issue, it's a very serious reason , and as I guessed it didn't happen overnight as he had it for 2 months. He may have got off the meds or just that they didn't work and he needs other ones.

As far as ow's he may not haev one as he probably have lost his sex drive due to meds, but if it wasn't him specifically, how would you know what a man does in those 18months, OW doesn't mean a relationship, some people sleep around casually and no one would know.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 10:33:20

of course he could sleep with people but the point is I know he didn't leave me for someone else and this wasn't the motivation.

he wasn't medicated, kept saying he was fine but the depression got a lot
worse after he left an then he got medication.

just stopped loving me overnight; so not sure if he never did

junebirthdaygirl Sun 13-Dec-15 11:29:25

Think this is quite common with depression. They feel so bad they think it's the relationship and if they got out they would be fine. When they go they realise depression follows them. They often leave jobs very suddenly too as feel it's all due to horrible job. It doesn't mean the rest of the relationship wasn't real. I feel it's all due to depression and not an unusual reaction in those circumstances. It can cause very erratic behaviour and sudden impulsive decisions.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 14:17:05

you really think that was what it was?

I really just can't seem to get over it. Not because I want him back, but just because I didn't have closure of any sort.

If it was depression, he misjudged that then.

Before he left he was pretty fine day to day. Depression yes, but he didn't seem so bad and he was happy sometimes too. After he left he got a lot, lore worse and ended up losing his job over it and he's now alone, not working and medicated to the eyeballs and like a diferrent person.

I don't want to sound cold and unfeeling about his depression, I am sypathetic to mental health issues, but it always felt to me like a shitty excuse for being a coward who left a home and a life without every explaining to the person who's life he ruined.

I have had to live with being completely confused over it. Not understanding how someone suddnely says "sorry I have left I dont love you anymore" without ever once giving a sign that was the case.

I am not saying we were in a pretty good relationship - I mean I am talking about us being really happy together as far as I knew. I was totally secure in my life and relationship and we had been together years and we were due to get married the next year.

Veterinari Sun 13-Dec-15 14:28:38

Happened to me last month - just coming out of the other side now. He left abruptly whilst was I visiting relatives. No warning nothing. Just got home to find he'd moved out and blocked my phone number. Was so worried - his parents and I thought he must be having a breakdown. His family and friends all convinced he loved me and was perhaps just having depression issues.

I've been worried, confused and desperate to talk to him. Found out the last couple of days that he's started telling people that he 'broke up' with me and doesn't understand why I can't get it. Well perhaps cos we've all been worried he's having some kind of crisis - it's so out of character.

Now I just have to accept he's rewriting history and is a coward. Total tosser behaviour.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 14:33:14

That's exactly what he did to me Veterinari.

We lived together for THREE YEARS. We were engaged for God's sake. And eh thought a reasonable way to break up was to move out without telling me, leaving me with half the rent I could not pay without even 24 hours notice or any sign AT ALL that we had a problem.

Everyone said he was having a breakdown too. I suppose he did as he ended up losing a lot of weight, his job, becoming very isolated. I just don't understand why I was the casualty of his breakdown or why he didn;t just tell me he didn't feel okay or go and get some help.

Like you, he just rewrote history compltely. Told me he had been unhappy for ages. That isn't what he told me!!! Told me he'd never been happier!!!

Can't understand how you can do that to another person.

Veterinari Sun 13-Dec-15 14:44:22

3 years with me too - maybe that's the commitment-phobe limit?

It's heartbreaking. I still don't see how I could have misunderstood so much. I'm less trustful of my own judgement now. But I'm starting to recognise that I can't cintrol his behaviour, only he can do that and it's helped me to feel less guilty about not 'helping' him through this and more angry at how he's behaved to me.

Fundamentally if he values me so little it would never work, and it's better to know that now, but a bloody awful shock.

SelfLoathing Sun 13-Dec-15 15:33:24

It's very common behaviour in narcissists. Google devalue and discard.
Overnight they go from perfect partner to disappeared.

Veterinari Sun 13-Dec-15 16:41:18

I don't think that was the issue in my relationship Self
There was no idealism or love-bombing, just a realistic and affectionate partnership.
Also no gas lighting or EA.
He literally just left.

Bogeyface Sun 13-Dec-15 16:57:52

I did exactly this with my marriage. I left because I was so desperately unhappy so of course it must have been the marriage. Except it wasnt, it was PND and 6 months after I left I had a complete mental breakdown. It only then that I sought help and got better, but of course my marriage was over and done by then, my husband moved on and I dont blame him. I am now remarried but I do regret what I did, I ripped apart everyones lives when what I needed to do was get help, I just didnt see it at the time.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 17:55:11

Counsellor sugested he was a narcissit to me.

He definitely idolised me, almost worshipped me and could not have a bad word to say to me so that's a possibility but he didn't really display any narcissistic behaviors apart from that for three years. There wasn't any bad sides to him and we dated a year before we lived together, so four in total and he had a clear history before me - just one serious relationship of a long ten year marriage.

Not saying it's not possible though, as he definitely devalued me! it was literally like he could not see anything good or worthwhile about me or our life. I'd say "discard" was exactly what happenned. This was not a break up, that's for sure! It was an amuptation.

Thanks Bogeyface. I suppose he did have a breakdown and it was around 3 months after he left when he went off the rails completely. As soon as he left he just went very downhill. He was very unstable in his behavior.

So you think he was depressed and thought it must be his life with me making him feel like that?

He sought help eventually, and at that point he did a couple of times tell me that he was sorry for hurting me and that it was because he had a breakdown - I just always could not accept that explanation.

He seemed fine before he left and there was not even one conversation to say or hint that he didn't feel all right. That just felt to me an absolutely unnaceptable way to behave.

He honestly could not have given a shit if I lived or died.

He treats me now like he's terrified of me, like speaking to me upsets him and I never got to have that closure conversation which has made life hard for me.

He's the only man I ever lived with, I was going to marry him and I thought he really loved me and we were happy so I can't imagine ever feeling that settled and trusting with someone else and I've not got a massive fear of intimacy.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 18:04:24

Oh also, he didn't know he was depressed when he left. I kept telling him he was and he kept saying he wasn't!

He'd had an awful time that last few months. He lost out on a promotion, his Dad was really ill, he lost a lot of money on a bad investment, he'd tried to change jobs and kept getting rejected at interviews. I noticed he was drinking more and not sleeping for about 3 months before he left and he just kept saying not to worry that he was fine and really loved me and didn't know how he'd cope without me.

Twice he took a week off work saying he was "ill" but didn't seem ill. Just slept all day in his dressing gown. I trid to get him to see a doctor and he said he wasn't depressed. He didn't think depression was even a real illness but being lazy and down that that was so out of character.

It was only after he left and went very, very downhill, lost a lot of weight and could not go to work or stop crying that he actually admitted he had a problem but he still at that point did not think "oh well maybe it's not misery's fault". He just carried on acting like I was a boil on the face of humanity and he had to get away from me.

So I suppose he even made me feel like his depression was my fault and now I feel like there's something wrong with me that makes people depressd or something sad

I'm really insecure from it.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 18:30:57

but OP, did it cross your mind dthat he hugely ashamed of what he became (lazy, down) as you say so out of character for him, and it's obvious from what you say that he didn't accept depression as something valid, more something to despise and mock - so logically was despising himself. You remind him now of all that self-loathing that he must have had. NOt your fault at all but depression is cruel to all, the person and those close to him, so I'm trying to show you what his reasons and feeling were. Some men just think it's not manly to get depressed, and so ashamed if this happen to them.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 18:32:15

meaning 'feel so ashamed'

spideymum Sun 13-Dec-15 18:41:45

Yep happened to me. Ex packed all of things one day when I was at work and left me to explain it to our child when we came home and pay the rent due that day.

Just be kind to yourself every day. You will get through it.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 19:00:08

Veterenari, did he ever explain to you or anyone else, why did he leave you?

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 19:19:55

I'd be more ashamed OhYEs of leaving my partner than of getting depression. But I do see obviously that I am a reminder of what he would prefer to forget.

Sorry Spidey sad

blytheandsebastian Sun 13-Dec-15 20:20:41

There's nothing wrong with you - anyone can get depressed and many people with depression don't even have a partner. It's not the reason!

I once had a serious BF who used to periodically devalue me like this. Interestingly, it did seem to coincide with flare-ups of depression. Reading through your comments, I don't quite understand why you feel like you don't have a 'reason' for what happened. No, you haven't had the conversation and that's difficult. No, you can't trace the break-up to problems in the relationship - emotionally confusing for you. And no, there wasn't warning - awful.

But you can see that there were many indications of a mental health issue and pressurising circumstances were mounting up in a textbook way. At such a time, it's not that uncommon or inexplicable for someone experiencing mental illness to start chucking things overboard without much thought for the consequences. It doesn't make it good behaviour, but it is comprehensible and I do think you probably have enough there to process.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 13-Dec-15 21:06:20

I'm sure he's ashamed of leaving you like that too, he did say sorry and is definitely feeling guilty, but is too weak to overcome his guilt and to build bridges. As blythe says, it's not good or strong behaviour, but mental illness can play tricks. It's hugely unfair on any partner, obviously but what can you do? You can definitely be sure you haven't gave him any reasons to leave, the whole thing is sad and unfortunate.

miserylurvescompany Sun 13-Dec-15 21:33:36

thanks Blythe

I think for me it never felt like an explanation, because the underlying theme was I am depressed because of you, I feel leaving you is the solution to my depression, and I think so little of you that I am going to do it without even warning you and afterwards the best thing for ME in my illness is not to have your love and support, but to be as far from you as possible because you are TO BLAME for all of this

That was the message I got, and it's been one that has undone me psychologically. I don't feel like he got depressed and left a happy relationship due to mental health issues - I felt like he was saying he wasn't happy with me.

As for what he's said..it's been contradictory. We'd maybe had four or five conversations in 18 months about it and during one he took every day things that couples do in relationships (like looking after me if I was ill or helping me out financially) and turned those give and take things into burdens I had placed on him that he resented and hated me for. And he discarded entirely the fact that I had also done equal amount of things for him. It was like he saw me through a lens of hate.

Other conversations he would be sorry and he would say I was perfect, the best partner anyone could wish for but that he was mentally ill and could not feel emotions except for sadness and hoplessness and he was sorry.

I didn't get clarity but always ust the vibe that I was his enemy.

If he was sick I would have wanted to look after him and help him, like couples do, and it shouldn't have been like this. I wil nevr know what came first - the cicken or the egg.

Did he have a breakdown because he left me and felt so awful for the coardly way he did it, or did he have a breakdown and go mental and leave an otherwise happy life?

His life is so mierable and empty now. I can't figure how that is better.

So I know there are pressuring circumstances but I also can't help feeling this awful nagging feeling that there's something I don't know. It just happenned so suddenly. I wish in a way I had time to just go through little things..like feeling him pulling away, less affection, less sex, less interest in time together...so maybe my brain could have adjusted.

I literally went to work that day and was walking with "The Luckiest" playing on my iPod and I was smiling to myself that I had someone I felt that way about, and I was completely assured in my life and our love for each other which I felt was unbreakable.

And then he was gone that day.

I know I have to find peace with the fact that i won't ever understand what went on in his head. Its just hard, and I can't seem to feel like I deserve love from people.

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