Does anyone else feel like friends make excuses for everyone else's but yours?

[CurlyDog]

I feel like all of my friends have high expectations of me in terms of loyalty, listening to their problems, not being late etc, yet all of my friend seem to always make excuses for other people's behaviour and bad behaviour from any others is fine.

I'm talking in terms of things like "Oh she says it how it is but that's just the way she is" or "She's always late but I don't mind, it's just how she is".

I guess what I'm clumsily saying is everyone else is allowed flaws and bad points but I am not. I cannot imagine any friends ever making any excuses for me or brushing off something as "that's just what Curly is like"

[TempusEedjit]

How do you know they don't make excuses for you when you're not there, are the excuses your friends make for others done in front of them?

[CurlyDog]

No they're not done in front of them but I just feel like my friends have such high expectations of me and that they won't be friends with me anymore if I don't behave perfectly.

[RedRainRocks]

I find that the more accepting I am of my friends foibles, the more accepting of mine, they become. Being late (as long as we aren't talking hours) or a bit of plain speaking doesn't sound like a flaw, or bad behaviour to me, just idiosyncrasies of individuals. How much flakiness I would accept depends on what else they bring to my life.

[TempusEedjit]

Can you give us an example?

[CurlyDog]

Examples are similar types of thing to those that rubylovesshoes has described really. Just non acceptance if I'm late (which is rare, I'm not flaky and am usually punctual) and then moaning at me about it, or not being happy if ever I can't make something or don't fancy going, but if anyone else can't make it it is just a case of "Oh, X can't make it tonight as she's busy".

There is one woman that I have several mutual friends with who is totally self centred and actually is quite a bitch, yet there is excuses a plenty for her "Oh bless her she must be tired from work as she's in a bad mood". Whilst if I was ever to turn up to meet my friends less than nice and in a great mood they would drop me like a hot potato!

[shutupandshop]

Do you think its your own insecurity making you feel this way? Not having a pop btw.

[CurlyDog]

Yes I suppose it could be that.

I don't feel particularly able to take risks in friendships, I am a bit of a people pleaser and I never feel able particularly to do my own thing, say on a shopping trip with friends. I just meekly go along with things.

[TempusEedjit]

This reminds me of when you see siblings where one is favoured over the other - ever noticed how it's nearly always the more difficult or wilful one who ends up being "golden child"?

Sounds like your niceness is taken for granted by your friends so they cut you little slack compared to other people. Think about the people in your life you admire or respect - are they people pleasers or stronger characters? I would guess at the latter...

[springydaffs]

ever noticed how it's nearly always the more difficult or wilful one who ends up being "golden child"?

Erm.. No that isn't how it usually goes at all ime

The difficult/wilful one is usually the scapegoat, surely??

Anyway - op. It's a form of bullying, really. Have a go at not being arsed at what they think or say. Give it a go and see the response?

[MaisieDotes]

I just meekly go along with things

You have cast yourself in the role of "old reliable". That's why they get pissed off when you deviate from that role. Start doing what you want to do, suit yourself a bit more. You'll get respect for it.

Harsh but that's the way life is.

[TempusEedjit]

You're lucky Springy, I see it quite a lot in real life, also on MN when you see posts about parents favouring a slightly irresponsible sibling etc.

Anyway OP I agree with all the advice above.

[slaponawettowel]

I have EX friends like this from when I was younger,

Basically there was nothing in the friendship - we didn't have a lot in common, they weren't happy with themselves and they needed someone to bitch about.scapegoat. Funnily enough when I retreated they were DESPERATE to resume contact (probably because now the "bitchiness" would land on one of them or become self-loathing).

I now have better friends. It's so much simpler and nicer. Also, I think being in a bitchy group makes it harder to meet new, nice people because then the new, nice people get frightened off by the drama of the angry ones.

[slaponawettowel]

Oh, I am sure they have all sorts of "reasons" for why I drifted out of contact - "she's got issues" "she was always a lunatic".

But me going NC means they're talking to and disapproving of thin air. You have to learn not to care. It's such a relief socialising with people who don't always put sinister motivations on my actions.

[hilbobaggins]

You teach people how to treat you. From what you've said you're probably not very assertive and don't push back on these comments, whereas the "bitchy" (read assertive) woman you mention in your previous post probably won't tolerate that kind of treatment. People get the message fast when you stand up for yourself. Assertiveness training really helped me see that i didn't have to put up with this kind of crap.

[dodododadadada]

i've got a friend (A) who has another close friend (B). B is a real drama queen who A bends over backwards to accomodate yet if i ever try to remotely assert myself A gets pissed off with me. Over time I've just accepted that my friendship with A is different to A's friendship with B. B has always been difficult and demanding and A accepts that but I'm the laid back one and anything I do that doesn't fit that stereotype is wrong. You have to decide whether the current state of your friendship fulfils something in your life and if not cull these friends because I don't think you can change the role you are now cast in.

[daisychain01]

if I was ever to turn up to meet my friends less than nice and in a great mood they would drop me like a hot potato!

I'd say that's their loss, then.

Why even bother to engage with such fickle people!?

Having self respect and not putting up with people treating you shabbily gives a strong message, I bet you would find more people want to be friends with you. That's life imafraid.