Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

new relationship after a very abusive one

(14 Posts)
turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 16:28:56

Will try not to be too long and also not drip feed.
I am not sure how I feel about all this, so am posting to see if anyone has some advice.
The new relationship is not that new, we've been together about 16 months. He is lovely and kind and I knew him back in my youth.
Bsckstory is that nearly three years ago my previous relationship ended. My ex strangled me, not for the first time, and I told my family who called the police. He was arrested and I was given a choice whether I wanted him back home. I said no, really relieved and also feeling extremely guilty.
After that I have been single parent to our three kids until this summer. We moved country to get away but he moved after. The two oldest have missed their dad and been upset andangry with me for keeping them from their dad (tthey did see him all holidays, I had to supervise myself, but did not let them sleep over. Alcohol abuse history), and the youngest got her autism diagnosis. Through this I have studied and worked as a substitute teacher.
This autumn it got too much, the boys hated me and wanted to move to their dad, my daughters autism means she sleeps erratically, I had tomeet my ex regularly, and hhad taken on too much studies and work.
So I thought of alternatives to studying or taking a break next year. But I am a bit ditzy, and my new partner laughed and said I am really changing my mind, like it happens allthe time.
I freak oOut a bit, by myself, because ex used to say that Plus many things. And I am a bit weird, I know that, dont have many friends and am a bit awkward socially. My mini breakdown this autumn was due to challenging pupils, very difficult classes of 16 yrs old boys one shouted abuse at me and loomed. I handled it well in the moment, but had an awful panic reaction later.
Anyway, am questioning this while relationship thing. I love him, but what if it is my awkward behaviour that actually do stress people Out? My ex had s panic attack because of me and my changing mind all the time, and that I dont get social cues, and he is adamant I was abusing him by being so difficult to please and to be with. I dont know.
My new partner is very sorted and settled and level headed. He is also kind and generous, and really good with all the kids ( we have 3 Each) including my youngest. He talked about moving together already last winter, and doesnt mind that my income is just a fraction of his.
I just worry that the way I am clearly stresses people.

Feilin Fri 11-Dec-15 16:46:05

I think you should arrange some counselling for yourself. You CAN get through this and your children will grow to understand your situation. You are lucky to have a supportive partner and personally I think you are just having a crisis of confidence which is why I suggest counselling .

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 17:04:54

There's a lot going on in your post. I'm just going to single out one thing, which is that you are second-guessing yourself a lot, assuming that you are terrible and that other people are right and you are in the wrong.

In short, you need to shore up your self-esteem.

There are many things we can suggest for that, but first I'll turn the question to you: what do you think you could do to feel better about yourself? Confident in your choices? Aware of your strengths and basic lovableness?

BertieBotts Fri 11-Dec-15 17:08:30

Have you been treated/assessed for PTSD?

turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 17:10:45

I have had counselling. It did help a bit. I read on here too to remind myself that regardless of how ditzy you are, it does not warrant someone strangling you.
It just worries me a lot that it might be my behaviour that stresses people out, and Maybe it doesnt become unbearable until I live with them.
I have read Lundy Bancrofts books and the Freedom programme.
It was very hard getting away from my ex, and now he is back. He told the boys last year that he wanted more kids, with me. He complains that he doesnt see our daughter enough, yet When we are there he hardly plays with her. He has read nothing about autism. He would complain I did not smile enough. He complains that he had to pay child maintenance for 2 yrs. It got so bad I stopped the claim. At least he does not pay for my daughter, so has no "claim" on her or on me needing to be grateful for the money. He wants to "help". He is livid the kids see my new partner and talks to them how bad it is and that they should be with him instead. My boys now hardly wants to see my family, or my partner and his kids despite the fact we've all had Lots of fun together. The holidays they came with me their dad called and texted them more than ten times Each day. Apparently because he was so worried about them. He has complained about my mental health and ability to look after the kids. It has let up somewhat now, though.
Sorry, I'm venting.
My new partner is supportive. I dont know about the moving together though, there's so much angst and panic. I worry that it will tear my boys away, though I think that it would be very good for them to have Another male role model besides their manipulative dad.
It did break my heart When they said they hated me and asked why I refused to be a family again. That it was me who broke their family. When it was their Big hero, drunkard Disney dad who Tried to kill me. Though I know my experience isnt theirs, and they love their dad.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 17:19:02

OP, you do not need this level of interaction with your ex.

He is continuing to manipulate you.

He is legally obliged to pay child maintenance, and has bullied you into ending the claim.

He is using the DC to see you. You really do not need to be present during his contact with DC. You do not need to be receiving all these texts from him.

Please get some advice from Women's Aid or a solicitor or other authority about:

- child support payments
- contact with DC with a 3d party present (not you!). There are contact centres, for example.

I get from your posts that you are not yet free from his malign influence. And as a result, your mind is still not settled (you are not ditzy, and if anyone finds your behaviour unpalatable, they can just walk away from you, love. You are fine as you are.)

Please appeal to people who can advise you on the practicalities about getting your ex to pay up, and to leave you the fuck alone. Because you deserve that, and are entitled to it.

turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 17:21:18

Sorry, missed replies. I guess I have ptsd. Very vivid dreamsof ex and scenarios, panic and heart beating and sweating. It was ok for å while, but now I panic in a physical way for minor things. Cant sleep or concentrate and mind on a loop.
I'm generally kind and laidback, I think. My ex used to have these endless monologues/interrogations. He used to record them, initially just audio then video. I saw them before the police got them. I used to get ticks, now I realise they started then. Facial ticks,picking and twisting my hands and fingers. I look nuts When I do it, but cant stop them if I stress.

Not sure what I can do. Am a lot alone due to home studying. It is lovely When I see my partner, it is just little niggles like will he become my ex if I forget to put my filter on? My kkind of social filter. It is very offensive to my new partner to compare him to my ex actually. My ex is a psychopath.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 17:26:42

I am sorry that you were subjected to these interrogations. It sounds horrible.

It sounds to me, though, that you still have a voice in your head questioning your every move. That voice also needs evicting, just like the interrogating ex.

turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 17:30:15

The sad thing is, I Tried to take it to court to get supervised contact for the oldest two. my solicitor was recommended by all the childrens services and so on. But he did fuck all, it turned out. Long story short, the boys live 60% with me 40% with their dad. The equivalent to SS here can do nothing without s court ruling. The hot shit lawyer said he did many things, but then did nothing. The boys are nearly 10 and 12, and there were secret emails and When the oldest got a phone it went mad. But the boys were desperate for contact, and so talked to him about feeling neglected and unhappy with me.
Anyway, he sees the youngest with me 2x2 hours a month. I will not do more, but we have to co-operate about the guys
I have tried eevery avenue.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 17:33:28

And please don't be down on yourself for suffering the after-effects of trauma! It's not your fault. You are not damaged or broken. It's ok to have had a rough time, and to have acquired some neuroses. None of us is free from them!

But you do deserve to think of yourself more positively.
Would you consider some more counselling?

turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 17:43:36

I dont know about counselling. I may go on a waiting list for å psychologist.
Usually I am happy and content. There has been many things for å while now. It just really disturbed me When new partner said those things. In my head it became an echo of my ex and I thougt hell, no. No more of that shit. I would rather be alone withmy girl for the rrest of my days than hearing this again. But then my reaction was to everything my ex has said, rather than to my partner's little concern. He actually apologised for having put it like that, now I think of it.
Thanks for taking time to listen to my garbled thoughts. It helps to tidy them a bit.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 17:51:24

Your instincts are there for a reason: if something makes you feel uncomfortable, that means that there is something there that needs attention. It could be leftover fear and trauma from a past experience. It could be an indication that something is truly not right. But you don't need to second-guess yourself, just tend to the feelings, whatever they are.

It sounds like your partner did say something high-handed, so you were right to feel upset. Seeing him as your ex is perhaps going too far, but there are good reasons why you did. He apologised, you questioned whether your feeling was an over-reaction... all sounds fine (if understandably unsettling to you).

FWIW, in your OP, the things you say about yourself seem far worse than what your partner said to you. I think you deserve to show yourself more kindness.

turbonerd Fri 11-Dec-15 18:33:11

Thanks RiceCrispies.
I try not to beat myself up. Sometimes the sum of all my bad choices get a bit much. My ex used to go on and on and on about them. I know I have made mistakes and feel like I am paying for them now.
Still, am doing my best to sort stuff and provide for me and my kids. I gethelp from my parents luckily. They mind mini twice a month. She is also in an amazing nursery with special help with training etc. I dont think I' m hard done by either, I just would like never again to have that crushing sense of horror and doom that life with ex brought with it.
I usually have the total opposite in this new relationship. I guess it is important to sort old reactions from new situations, and get used to that. My gut feeling regarding new partner is a very happy and content one. I suppose I felt my twat radar was far from fixed by the time I met him, though I trust him because of knowing him before Plus my super solid Brother is one of his best friends. So working on trusting oneself is paramount. It takes so long, though.
It has been a long road aknowledging all the abuse ex came up with. I was shellshocked that the police Took it seriously, despite bruises on my throat. I thought he was right and I was wrong, so they wouldnt care. It Took me years to leave, tried before and went back. It is sad and sometimes I just sit and cry in the car. But that is normal, I guess?

Just rambling now, emptying my head!

misskeyboardwarrior Fri 11-Dec-15 19:40:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now