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Not sure whether my relationship has a future…

(19 Posts)
Ilovewoowoos Fri 11-Dec-15 14:01:06

Been with DP for 2 years I’m 29, he’s 33. I recently moved into his house with him.

I am not unhappy with how things are, I would be fine to bimble along like this for a while longer…however recently I have been thinking about where it is going long term, whether he actually sees a future with me etc.

When we first got together (within the first 3 months!) he talked a lot about marriage, children and us long term. To be honest it weirded me out and I basically told him so. I was unsure whether I wanted children and I’d only been together with him a few months so certainly didn’t know whether he was the man I wanted to marry!!

However, fast forward to now and over the 12-16 months, I guess my views have changed somewhat. I adore him, he is such a lovely, kind, supportive partner. My views have changed slightly on children to from a definite no, to a maybe yes, once I’m early-mid 30’s I would probably like to take that step.

My DP hasn’t spoken about us ‘long term’ since we first got together.

Over the past 8 months, I have broached the subject of the future a couple of times (one being last night) I said ‘Where do you see us long term, you never talk about the future.’ His response both times has been to bat me off with ‘Oh but you hated it when I used to talk about the future so I stopped doing it.’ And then follows it up (both times) with ‘Anyway, what more do you want exactly? We’re living together, what more do you want?!’

Now, whilst I don’t want to be rushing off and marrying him in the next 6 months, yes, I WOULD like to get married and probably have children. I’m not saying I want all of that right now, but a 5 year plan would be nice and would give some reassurance that this relationship was actually going to end up going somewhere?

Otherwise what’s the point? It’s pissing me off as I think he’s gas lighting to an extent in all honesty, he is a very measured and intelligent man, his whole life has been meticulously planned out, he is where he wants to be in his career, own house, etc. Am I really supposed to believe that he has set and achieved goals his whole adult life and now doesn’t have a clue about where he sees his future going?

Is he fobbing me off do you think? If he genuinely has no intention of moving the relationship forward within the next couple of years then I’m out. I know I have to ask him all of this but I’ve tried, he just says the above. He bloody KNOWS what I am getting at with this convo, he’s just playing dumb….question is why?

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 11-Dec-15 14:06:54

Because he doesn't want to give you a direct answer.

Which points to the fact that he is not in a position where he is willing to say: "Darling, I can only imagine my future with you and only you. I would like us to get married by [year], and have roughly x children by roughly y date."

Are YOU in a position to say the above?

If you are, then say it yourself.
If you're not, then why should he be?

leaningtoweroflego Fri 11-Dec-15 14:08:36

It's unfair of him to fob you off. If there is a possibility you would like children then he needs to let you know what his feelings are on your future together because as a woman - you have a limited time when you can start a family, and if he's not up for it you need to know so you can choose whether you want to stay in this relationship or cut your losses and find someone who does want to have kids with you while there is still time.

Ilovewoowoos Fri 11-Dec-15 14:23:18

I know he definitely wants kids. He’s always made that abundantly clear. Unfortunately, whilst discussing it earlier on in the relationship we reached a bit of an impasse as I was pretty dead set against the idea and basically said we should split up. He persuaded me otherwise, said I may change my mind (In fairness I am coming more round to the idea) and let’s just see where we go.

Honestly, I’ve thought about it a lot over the last month and if someone said to me tomorrow ‘this will be the last man you sleep with, the man you’ll marry and have children with’ I wouldn’t be horrified at that thought, I think I would be very happy with that thought.

It’s not necessarily that I want him to KNOW 100% that I am the woman for him right now, however yes, I would like some sort of sign that that’s the case in the next 12 months, we’ve been together 2 years (it’ll be 3 years in 12 months time!), we’re late 20’s/early 30’s…realistically….how long does it take people in their 30’s to realise whether someone is for them or not?

TimeToMuskUp Fri 11-Dec-15 14:25:15

Only he knows why he's playing dumb, but personally I'd stand a post and ask outright why it's happening, and refuse to be fobbed off any longer. Or tell him directly that you want to make a plan, that marriage and children are in your long-term plan and if he's not prepared to commit to both then you need to reassess your relationship.

All this guessing/fobbing-off is going to drive you mad, and will end up with you resenting him. Don't give him the chance to dither any longer.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 14:42:47

Now, whilst I don’t want to be rushing off and marrying him in the next 6 months, yes, I WOULD like to get married and probably have children. I’m not saying I want all of that right now, but a 5 year plan would be nice and would give some reassurance that this relationship was actually going to end up going somewhere?
You need to tell him this and see where the conversation goes.
You take the lead and then his responses will enable you to make an informed decision about your future.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 11-Dec-15 14:43:53

Does he know you're 'coming round to the idea' of kids?

If not, then he is probably being hesitant because if he says "I see myself with 2 kids and a dog, living in xx" the he's essentially saying he won't be with you.

I think you need to have a serious sit down talk about things and (pardon the crudeness) accept that it's time for you to 'shit or get off the pot'! Nobody can know what they will want in the future but you must both have a good enough idea for now if you are the love of each other's lives. Your comment about it not being a complete disaster if you never slept with anyone else doesn't really convey that to me. It sounds like you are making do and perhaps he is too.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 11-Dec-15 14:45:30

if someone said to me tomorrow ‘this will be the last man you sleep with, the man you’ll marry and have children with’ I wouldn’t be horrified at that thought, I think I would be very happy with that thought.

I'd be looking for a bit more enthusiasm before I committed to spend my life with someone than this ^

Ilovewoowoos Fri 11-Dec-15 14:48:15

Well put it this way, he enhances my life. My life is better with him in it than without, he's my best friend and the person I want to see and get home to after a days work. Seeing him makes my day better (as opposed to my ex whose company I really didn't enjoy and avoided looking back!)

Does that mean that he's 'The One?' fuck knows. What IS it that makes two people commit to each other, i.e marriage, kids? What is it that makes someone go 'Yes, that's the one.' A whole other thread entirely I suspect, but I honestly do wonder.

LavaCat Fri 11-Dec-15 14:56:48

DP talked about marriage quite early on to see where I stood on it. I was adamant I never wanted to get married. Fast forward 4 years and I had completely changed my mind. I hinted a few times but he wasn't picking it up so I sat down and had a very clear conversation where I said I had changed my mind and would love to get married. He hadn't bought it up again because I was so anti the idea before.

He is very literal and remembers things I said I didn't like years ago and assumes that is still the case.

I would sit down together and have a '5 year plan' conversation or something.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Dec-15 15:23:26

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re your comment:-
"I know he definitely wants kids"

He may well do so but not with you. You are really his "she will do for now" woman. Someone who has planned his own life to the nth degree and is now showing no real commitment to you going forward is someone I would be having serious doubts about.

I would also be wondering why he actually mentioned children, property and marriage within the first 3 months; at that stage you still hardly know each other. That made me think there is a red flag here.

Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after a few dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

You mention that this is his house; does that mean that you are not on the mortgage or title deeds?.

You do realise that your legal position generally is very vulnerable particularly if you did separate. I think he is really now detaching from you.

Ilovewoowoos Fri 11-Dec-15 15:40:07

You are really his "she will do for now" woman

Gee, thanks!

You mention that this is his house; does that mean that you are not on the mortgage or title deeds?.

No, I am not on the mortgage or the deeds, I don't want to be nor expect to be, I do not contribute to his mortgage.

I was cynical when we first met for all the reasons you stated above, talking about marriage and children too early on is a massive red flag to me too, hence why I said he was moving too fast and weirding me out and so he duly shut up. Apart from now, I have the opposite problem!!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 15:42:29

Attila is often spot on with advice.
However, I'm don't think you are his 'will do for now' girl.
But... there's only one way to find out for sure.
A proper sit down discussion about the future and no avoiding it.
Don't let him fob you off.
Tell him what YOU want and see where that takes you.

Jan45 Fri 11-Dec-15 15:47:16

So you pay him rent and he uses it towards his mortgage or at least his house bills - you could be living with him for years and will have no say or rights over that property, that's not good.

As has been said, a sincere long talk is required here, if he wants a future with you, what's the big deal and I'd get the finances sorted out rather than staying there helping him to pay off HIS mortgage.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Dec-15 16:09:31

I sincerely hope I am wrong re my initial " she will do for now" comment but it really is not beyond the realms of possibility. He gets what he wants out of this currently but what is in this for you?. His initial all too quick attachment to you has now worn off.

I also hope that you do not pay him any rent.

You need to sit down with him to have a full and frank conversation. If he tries to fob you off then that will tell you all you need to know.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 11-Dec-15 18:31:29

2 years is about the right time frame to know someone well enough in normal circumstances, imho.

If he does not answer your question simply and directly then the answer is "no". If it isn't a "yes" (plain and simple that anyone could understand is a "yes") then it is a "no".

Implying hopeful signals but not saying directly is in reality a "no". The fobbing off, delaying tactics, is a "no". Changing the subject is a "no". "Maybe" is often a "no", but could be sincere if requesting time to think about it. "We'll see" or "I can't predict the future" are probably "no" as well.

There are people who will just not say "no" to avoid confrontation or accusations of meanness, etc. But not saying "no" is also a tactic of stringing someone along for as long as possible...thus "she will do for now" does come to mind. He may avoid his own truth and honesty in favor of a script to keep you hooked...otherwise he will have to begin all over again with someone else.

You noticed the red flag early but ignored it. Are there any other red flags? It is ok to move on based on one red flag. There isn't a quality/quantity rule about it-three strikes, etc, (as far as I understand). Some red flags are rather insidious in nature that have a long time frame to mature. This "marry quick-no-never mention it again" seems like black and white thinking that is being used to manipulate you in the name of him being 'sensitive' to you. If you feel at all frustrated by this dynamic, then that is the continuation of that first red flag, imho.

I hope you are directing monies you would have been paying in rent into a savings/retirement fund for yourself. These are your equity building years. Your equity is just as important as his...so do not fall for the NOT "equal deal" of paying your and his monthly utilities/food while he invests in his property.

Twinklestein Fri 11-Dec-15 19:10:50

He's been burnt once for coming on too strong to the point that you might have split up over your not wanting kids. So maybe twice shy.

I think you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him your feelings changed.That you want kids, want marriage.

If he's not up for that you need to know ASAP.

cantmakeme Fri 11-Dec-15 23:05:24

I agree with twinklestein.

And why are you hinting? You need to tell him that actually you have changed your mind about marriage and children. Personally I wouldn't say it in the context of a five year plan conversation. Maybe just say it when you are happy together, having fun. Let it sink in and see what he does with that info.

timelytess Fri 11-Dec-15 23:09:56

Definitely tell him exactly what you want and that you'll be moving on shortly if he isn't up for it.

He might be 'once bitten twice shy' but then again, he might be stringing you along for the sex and home comforts until he meets a woman he really wants to settle down with.

Time to find out.

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