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Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

(269 Posts)
Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:10:51

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

Eminado Fri 11-Dec-15 13:16:21


ImperialBlether Fri 11-Dec-15 13:19:33

You're at different points in your lives. You're in a good place where you can see a bright future ahead of you. He's in a place where he can't say no to a drug that might lead to his destruction.

Stay in your good place and leave him. You can't control what he does; you'll drive yourself mad checking.

Borninthe60s Fri 11-Dec-15 13:21:52

I'm,personally totally against the use of illegal drugs. Trying to be objective though, he's doing it in secret so he's acknowledging your dislike but cocaine is more important to,him than your feelings about him using. You need to accept its part of who he is and as its not something you want in,your life your answer lies in a future without him.

He'll be using far more than he's admitting to!

TeaFathers Fri 11-Dec-15 13:22:47

Walk away.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Fri 11-Dec-15 13:23:39

Cocaine is his OW and he's made his position very clear.

Time for you to put up or shut up.

Personally, I'd run like the wind.

SandBetweenMyt0es Fri 11-Dec-15 13:24:11

I have the same dilemma with my boyfriend with weed smoking and I know exactly what you're going through. I was at the same crossroads about three years ago and chose to turn a blind eye. I know he still smokes it he just hides it from me. I'm not sure I made the right choice. I guess u have to weigh up how big a deal it is for you...

CwtchMeQuick Fri 11-Dec-15 13:25:42

Been there. I walked when I realised drugs and drink were more important than our relationship.
You need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you, it would be for me

mix56 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:26:06


Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:27:36

Thank-you for your replies. Imperial I think you have hit the nail on the head. I definitely feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I question absolutely everything he says and does.

I guess I'm finding it hard to walk away, as he has cut down a lot since I moved in, and we do have a great time aside from this issue. But like you said, we are at different places in our lives and I don't think he will be in the same place as me any time soon.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Dec-15 13:38:24

And at 31 you want to be looking at having a child in the next four or five years, won't you? He's nowhere near that point if he's still wanting the coke lifestyle. If you leave now, you give yourself the chance of meeting someone who wants the same lifestyle that you want.

laurierf Fri 11-Dec-15 13:40:27

No judgement on me either way on the coke issue (him for doing it, you for not wanting him to do it) but lying to you and then telling you to go away and think about whether the bad outweighs the good when you're asking him not to take coke anymore… that tells you a lot and at your age (young!) I'd take some time on my own and then meet someone else who had more respect for me. He's already lied to you a number of times (you say you always catch him out)… I just couldn't sign up for life to someone who I know has blatantly lied to me like that.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 13:46:19

just for a few lines of coke
I doubt this is the case!
He's probably an addict.
Do you want children with an addict?
Cocaine can turn people into horrible human beings after long and continual use. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jan45 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:57:38

So he's taking an illegal drug that costs a fortune and is telling you to put up, I wouldn't want to be with someone that held drugs in such esteem, never mind the health implications.

Headmelt Fri 11-Dec-15 13:59:33

He is "choosing" his addiction to drugs over his relationship, slippery slope. Get out now before you get any further involved (married/children/debt) with him.

DPotter Fri 11-Dec-15 14:02:23

I think this is an example of a situation where it is perfectly reasonable to judge and get the hell out of there!

Handywoman Fri 11-Dec-15 14:02:40

OP, it takes more than 'great times' to partner someone through starting a family and that that entails.

With coke in the mix the odds are really stacked against you. What if he turns to just a little bit more one you have kids? He could set you on s slippery slope to financial ruin not forgetting very real trust, health, criminal implications. And the fact that he thinks coke is more important than you.

I don't judge anyone about taking drugs. But there are implications. I know one family split apart and financially ruined by the husband taking coke. His addiction was such he even smuggled it on family holidays with a young child! Imagine if that were you, OP.

I think the bad massively outweighs the good here and that you should move on.

Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:04:32

Thank-you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate the comments and I think you are just confirming what I already know. If a friend came to me with this same issue then my advice would be to walk away. Why is it so hard to do it though!!?

I've had a year of paranoia and stress, so I think I am now at a point where I need to make a decision. Like a few of you have said, I can't control what he does, and if he stops doing it then it will be his own decision, not me forcing it.

Sandbetween . . .He also smokes weed every day. Do you argue about it?

WankingInTheWinterWonderland Fri 11-Dec-15 14:06:24

Has anyone else been in this position?

Yes, me, I lived with a man who was a secret heroin/methadone addict and spent 16 years climbing up kitchen units, going through pockets, looking under the bed, checking the tinfoil, and always found something, then we would argue, he would say he was stopping and on it went.

It ruined my life.

Get out while you still can

Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:07:07

Thanks Handywoman . . .that is my worry. he was late to pick me up recently (he was taking me to the airport) and when he arrived he had been doing coke. he lied a few times before admitting it. All I kept thinking was 'imagine if I also had a baby to think about' it would be so much worse.


hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 14:08:27

OMG - weed and coke - recipe for disaster.
Please please do walk away from this drug addict.
It's only going to go one way from here on in.
You KNOW you deserve better than this.

Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:09:02

Thanks winterwonderland. I'm sorry you've had such a horrible experience. I hope you have found happiness now.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 14:10:15

And he drove while under the influence of drugs???
And you let him?
Fuck that. It's as bad as drink driving and as illegal now!

Treetop12 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:10:56

hellsbells - thank-you, I know you are right.

he smokes weed every day and does coke whenever he has a night when im not there. (once a fortnight ish). I feel like I know when he is on it, so I don't think he does it more often than that, but of course I could be wrong.

laurierf Fri 11-Dec-15 14:19:31

Yes, the weed every day thing on top of the coke and lying about it is really not great… you knew the answer already and said it yourself… he's not going to stop any time soon and he's showing you and your relationship no respect… I know it's hard to put the final nail in the coffin but you know, really, that's it isn't it? Make a plan of where you will go (you said you moved in with him I think) and just do it… sorry but you are only wasting time being in a romantic relationship with someone who behaves you like this and who is not going to change any time soon.

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