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Weary of rollercoaster that is my relationship!

(8 Posts)
Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 10-Dec-15 23:23:11

I'm exhausted! I've lived with my DP for 7 years, and he's recently said he 'doesn't feel like he's being true to himself' in our relationship. He doesn't explain what this means. He had a couple of major 'mud life' wobbles early in our relationship and after promising the world, super keen on commitment, suddenly backed off.

He then came back full of remorse, has been on the whole lovely, and now two weeks before Xmas says this! He explained that he'd been feeling very low, wondered what he was doing in life. But am still waiting for the 'of course I still love you and want to be with you'. Instead he just says let's keep trying as financially we couldn't afford to break up!

We have a young special needs child together. And other kids from previous relationships. I am furious!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 10-Dec-15 23:23:42

Er... Mid not mud!!!

jessicame Fri 11-Dec-15 07:31:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Dec-15 11:49:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
It must be very hard.
Can you look into what the financial situation would really be like if you split?
Can you talk to CAB and child maintenance people?
Do you work?
Do you own your house?
Sorry but this is very much like 'I love you, but.... I'm not IN love with you anymore' scenario.
If he is checking out of the relationship you need to understand where things will be if you do split up.

pocketsaviour Fri 11-Dec-15 11:50:43

"let's keep trying as financially we couldn't afford to break up"

Oh the romance <swoons>

So what does his version of "keep trying" look like? Has he suggested anything that he can do, or the two of you can do, to improve things?

It must be difficult with a SN child as well as other children in the home. Do you both get time where you can just be yourselves, on your own?

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 11-Dec-15 22:59:59

Thanks hells bells and pocket.

Financially I can't work or get benefits, have to look after child. He's no extra money as he had a previous big family to support. Its his house, am not on mortgage.

He has been a lot better the last few years, kind and goes out of his way for me and all his kids.

But frustration about the huge stress from tough job, supporting 5 kids and needy ex seem to erupt on me. His older kids are adults but still depend on him for lifts etc and yet have just stopped visting. He never says no to their demands.

But I'm tired of stress that I have no control over being so central. I am snowed under myself with current special needs child.

He said sorry he has no emotional intelligence. He does not clearly tell me he gains anything from me. I've asked him what this indifference means, but he just says sorry for being mean, and that I'm a good person. So frustrated! What the hell does that mean about us?!

Usually when a man says that, he's checked out already, and messing around, to boot.

But what's more relevant is the central problem you both have: too many demands on too little resources. He needs to set and enforce boundaries with his older children. He owes his ex wife - well, maybe I'm wrong, but I figure - pretty much nothing. His first and only priority should be to his underage children. Especially one with special needs, FFS!

Oh, and if you're married, the house is a marital asset - you don't have to be on the mortgage or deeds to have your share. And if you're resident SAHP, there's very good chances that you'll be able to stay there.

Start collecting paperwork, talk to a solicitor. Go to the online benefits calculator and see what it tells you. It may never come to divorce, but even knowing where you stand will help you to feel less helpless. And if he's secreting money away, or spending it on floozies, you need to know that, too.

And talk to him. Sit down and say "Well, I've been crunching some numbers, and I've figured out how we can afford to break up, or stay together in a more comfortable way. If your adult son would pay back the thousands he borrowed from you, you could get a rental flat, including deposit. Here, I've printed off a few to look at. Oh, and your lap dancing fund investment can go..." (delete as appropriate).

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sat 12-Dec-15 14:59:59

His older children have been refusing to come round, which makes him feel bad, which makes him run around after them and then mope around the house regretting that they don't visit.

We're not married but I am a SAHM.

I don't have access to his bank statements either. hmm

I'd really like to move out but it's true his mortgage is so big there isn't much money left over. I don't think I'm going to be bought a house like his Ex! I suppose really he should sell up - there's empty bedrooms here because his older kids used to live here but they are adults now.

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