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awful situation with dps ex wife

(132 Posts)
Mrskeats Thu 10-Dec-15 12:07:28

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

TempusEedjit Thu 10-Dec-15 12:10:09

Why isn't the 17yo helping mum?

TempusEedjit Thu 10-Dec-15 12:10:56

The 12yo could help too within reason (obviously not with the cat mess)

Caprinihahahaha Thu 10-Dec-15 12:12:07

It's very sad that the 12 year old is depressed but if they have a cleaner, and the children are 12 and 17, how messy can it be?
Does the 17 year old really also just let cat poo accumulate?

Learningtoletgo Thu 10-Dec-15 12:12:46

Has he considered that the kids could live at your house?

It would take the pressure off both parties and they could spend quality time with her.

DeoGratias Thu 10-Dec-15 12:14:07

These threads never go well.
Would you like to swap and be the one with MS? You don't really know how bad it is and always assume divorce men lie about their wives - they do it all the time; it's standard practice. Take what he says with a pinch of salt. Coudl you go round and clean? It wouldn't kill you would you and it might cheer up the poor soul witl MS and be a good example to his and your children.

Mrskeats Thu 10-Dec-15 12:16:00

Yes i agree that the children be helping more- but i think as an adult she should take responsibility. How can you do voluntary work but live like that?
i do think that long term the kids will end up with us which is fine by me

ImperialBlether Thu 10-Dec-15 12:16:09

I wouldn't have cleaned that up. I would've taken the kids with me and told her I wasn't bringing them back until the kitchen was clean. There's helping out and there's being an absolute mug.

Mrskeats Thu 10-Dec-15 12:16:52

I know exactly how bad things are ive seen it

Kr1stina Thu 10-Dec-15 12:19:27

The children of 12 and 17 can't pick up cat poo ?

How many nights a week do they live with you ?

I don't think you can judge if she is well enough to be keeping her house to your partners standards . He can't really control his ex wife's housekeeping .

TempusEedjit Thu 10-Dec-15 12:23:38

You think she as an adult should take responsibility - yet your DP married her and had children with her knowing that she has always been like this.

So now he needs to take responsibility by teaching his DC to help out if it's all too much for him to take on by himself. You are projecting your frustrations onto the wrong person.

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 10-Dec-15 12:28:28

I'm horrified that a child of twelve wouldn't pick up the poo. But I also think you can't minimize MS. This woman might have good meds but MS is CRIPPLING and painful and depressing. Your DP needs to help his children to support their mum and the home practically.

Kr1stina Thu 10-Dec-15 12:33:20

Well the 17yo is old enough to make their own decisions about where to live . What do they want ?

And you can't judge anything the fact that she does voluntary work unless she's doing it 40 hours a week . Doing a few hours when she feels like it doesn't prove she's well enough to keep house according to her ex standards .

Caprinihahahaha Thu 10-Dec-15 12:34:11

Isn't her going to the gym going to be about maintaining her fitness, strength and stability.

I have a weak back. I have to go to the gym to stop it ceasing up. I wonder if that seems to outsiders like selfishness?

PinkSquash Thu 10-Dec-15 12:37:42

Surely if the mess is that bad, the cleaner would make your DP aware of it.

The 17 year old is also an adult and should be capable of cleaning up animal mess, but they don't because dad will do it.

lazymoz Thu 10-Dec-15 12:39:28

I think if she is managing to go to her voluntary job she should be able to keep basic hygiene standards too

juneau Thu 10-Dec-15 12:46:23

I agree that you shouldn't be criticising her for going to the gym. Many people go to the gym - including the disabled - and find it really helps with long-term conditions as well as keeping them fit. There is a big difference between going for a gentle workout and turning up for the 6am Insanity session!

As for the cat poo - yes the DC could be clearing this up - and should be doing so at that age. Cat poo is really nasty stuff and a 12 and 17-year-old should not just be stepping over it and expecting someone else to clear it up. You see it, you clear it. Your DP should make sure they know that.

As for this woman's poor housekeeping - some people are just slobs. I know that will probably get leapt upon - but this woman clearly had low standards of cleanliness even before her diagnosis, so she's hardly going to start being housekeeper of the year now she's disabled. Good for your DP paying for a cleaner, but that's where his cleaning exploits at her house should end. I totally agree with this: I would've taken the kids with me and told her I wasn't bringing them back until the kitchen was clean. There's helping out and there's being an absolute mug.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 10-Dec-15 12:49:37

I think you should be proud of your dh. Mil had MS and fil walked out when dh was 9, he ended up being a child carer and dressing mil before school. Fil didn't pay any maintenance and barely saw dh until he was 14 and needed to be shown off to his step-mother.

But, you are correct she has to take responsibility for her own life. Otherwise she could end up like mil, too ill to make her own decisions and no contingency plans in place.

Dh needs to cancel the cleaner, and stop feeling responsible for the state of the house- it isn't his home. If his dc are unhappy, he can offer more time at his, or suggest they do more cleaning themselves or talk to their Mum about cleaning instead of volunteering.

He will also have to look at finances. Is his ex getting all the benefits she is entitled to? He can't support her for ever, and if she isn't prepared for when his support stops, she will be really vulnerable.

Cockbollocks Thu 10-Dec-15 12:50:49

I think I would offer to have them live with you for a while to give her a break. Whilst with you you dp can try to teach them to help clean up. If she is that poorly chasing them to do it isn't really going to be an option.

Viviennemary Thu 10-Dec-15 12:52:19

MS is an extremely debilitating illness. You should have more sympathy and be glad you are not walking in her shoes. Your DP should be doing all he can to help. And your whining doesn't help matters at all.

OllyBJolly Thu 10-Dec-15 12:57:03

Two people close to me have MS. They "look" great. I know there are days when they can't get out of bed, and even making a cup of tea is exhausting. One can't work as she can't commit any kind of reliability to an employer. She does do some voluntary work and other volunteers cover when she is ill. The other person has a very understanding employer who allows her unpaid leave as she needs it. I don't think there are many employers around with that level of understanding.

What exactly about this situation is making your dp ill? Surely it's not about doing a few hours cleaning? Why doesn't your dp have a chat with his daughters about how they could better support their mum? tbh if he is going round to the house and they watch him clean then I'd question his parenting.

How his ex and daughters live, their housekeeping standards, and the number of times the xw frequent the gym isn't your concern so don't let it bother you.

Elendon Thu 10-Dec-15 13:30:21

Presumably your partner is divorced from his ex and the settlement had her stay in the house with the children, given that you are both getting married next year.

Can you not have the children stay at your house for half the week? This all seems very complicated.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 10-Dec-15 13:41:51

I think you and your DP need a huge reality check, if that is all it takes to give such concern.

People can have MS for years with out DX they can also appear to be functioning well.

Are you seriously expecting anybody to believe that a household with a regular cleaner in attendance and no tiny children is so bad it's a concern?

abbsismyhero Thu 10-Dec-15 13:45:06

doesn't sound like the op is criticising going to the gym and volunteering just the refuses to do anything else part

the depressed teen would worry me

the boyfriend needs to remember he is no longer in that relationship and is not responsible for the condition in his ex wifes home if he continues to collect shit and clean she NEVER will time for him to step back

WeThreeMythicalKings Thu 10-Dec-15 13:48:49

I feel so sorry for the DCs. Maybe it would be for the best if they move in with you.

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