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Silly question but...

(27 Posts)
laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 11:51:04

I know what a silly question to is in the grand scheme of things, but it's important to me.

I split up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and I had a reason to do it. He was upset at the time it seemed but I asked him not to contact me again.

I just noticed this morning that he unfollowed me in Instagram.

Seems such a silly thing to hurt me, but it did very much. He's not unfollowed other ex girlfriends and he's not usually that sort of a person and I feel like he hates me or something.

As I said, he gave me good reason to end it but I really still love him and was hoping we would work it out. Is him cutting me off like that a sign he is happy I ended it and he dislikes me or something?

OliviaDunham Thu 10-Dec-15 11:57:57

If you still love him and hopes it would work out, would trying to sort whatever the problem was not have been better than finishing with him?

As for unfollowing you, you asked him not to contact you, so he's cut all contact. He's done what you asked him to.

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 12:02:27

He cheated on me. So at the time I felt finishing was the best thing to do. I at least needed time and space sad

Unfollowing me feels so much like he doesn't care at all.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 10-Dec-15 12:05:49

If he cheated, why do you want him to care?

hefzi Thu 10-Dec-15 12:11:45

You asked him not to contact you - you've done the right thing. And he's cheated on you - he will do it again if you have him back. If you really care about someone, you don't cheat on them.

I know you're feeling lousy and vulnerable about this, but it's for the best that he's unfollowed you: now you can concentrate on getting over him and moving on with your life, so you can meet someone who actually deserves you. flowers

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 12:34:29

Maybe you can humour me to understand this...

He cheated on me. He said he was sorry and that he cared about me, so I kind of hoped in my sad little head that he would be missing me and regretting it.

Him unfollowing me feels like that's not the case.

I just wanted him to miss me, to feel sorry for it.

Does that make any sense? I know it's not what a healthy and happy person would want, but I just got cheated on so my self esteem is on the ground here.

ouryve Thu 10-Dec-15 12:41:18

Unfortunately, you cannot control how he feels.

Besides, if he cared about you, he wouldn't have cheated on you.

He's done you a favour. He's given you permission to move on, instead of sitting there and wondering about what might never have been, anyhow. If you'd stayed together, how could you be sure that he wouldn't just follow his cock at every other opportunity, then play at being contrite, when found out. For all of 3 minutes be fore he fancied someone else.

Even if you are feeling down on yourself, you don't need a man who will do this to you. You really are worth a lot more than that.

KeepOnMoving1 Thu 10-Dec-15 13:00:32

I understand, it's like he's rejected you twice and he controlled both times that he's hurt you. In time you will see that its better he's no longer around. X

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 13:02:15

Its just that I thought that unfollowing your ex was somethign you did when they chetated on you

As in , something you do to block them out of your life and help you forget them.

When you're the one who was cheated on, it feels really hurtful.

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 13:04:26

I understand, it's like he's rejected you twice and he controlled both times that he's hurt you



He's still following all his other exes. And I was pretty magnanamous about the cheating. I didn't call him names or go crazy. I feel like he's rejected me again with this

UptownFunk00 Thu 10-Dec-15 13:13:47

If you told him not to speak to him presumably he took that at face value and presumed you meant no form of contact including social media.

UptownFunk00 Thu 10-Dec-15 13:16:10

That sounded harsh but you get what I mean he took it very literally.

I understand your hurt though.

But do you really want him around if he's capable of cheating on you again?

You deserve more than that.

OliviaDunham Thu 10-Dec-15 13:20:30

I get that you're hurt, but maybe his other exes didn't ask for no contact? Men aren't good at reading between the lines or mind reading, you finished with him and asked him not to contact you, I guess he knew he'd screwed it up so did as you asked.

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 13:52:25

He seems angry at me.

That's the part I don't understand.

I met him on a course in August 2014. We swapped numbers and he asked me out right away but I was seeing someone else at the time so just wanted to be friends. We stayed friends via text and online and had some great chat and banter (never romantic) but he did always keep saying he wanted to go out with me.

My relationship ended in June 2015 (he cheated) and he intensified at that point, and was asking me out quite a lot, started to phone me and we got quite close talking. Then we finally got together at the start of October (so it was a very short relationship).

Although we were only together a little while I did feel like he was special to me and we got on so well and had such strong chemistry and a spark like I'd not felt with my ex.

We were both hurt before in our previous relationships (both cheated on) and we were both a little scared and jumpy at times, neither of us have had many relationships, but we agreed we had something amazing.

We had one issue come up about this girl who kept on texting him. She was relentlessly texting him late at night and was all over him on Facebook. She was someone who'd been around and chasing him since before we were together and he seemed to be at minimum enjoying it.

We then had a big falling out one night and he went and slept with this girl sad

It was a bit like "we were on a break" and he insisted he'd felt we were over that night but i could not understand why on eath he would sleep with that girl who he could have had before at any time. Why wait until he was with me?

This happenned two weeks ago and the first two days he was grovelling...what could he do to make it up to me..he was so sorry and didn't want to lose me and all that. I was angry and hurt and upset and told him to just leave me alone and I unfriended him on FB (which I never do but I was very angry). He said it wasn't what he wanted and could we not sort it out and I said, "no".

It just expected, sadly, that he would try again to contact me and fix it. considering how long he waited to be in a relationship with me and how silly and I was on the fence over feeling like cheating this early on could be dealt with.

I knew he liked me and always had, so I've felt like he would have cared more.

to unfollow me just feels awful. I thought he'd be working on fixing it but this is the opposite. I feel like he didn't care at all!

bjrce Thu 10-Dec-15 13:58:13

He's angry because you dumped him!

He's a bastard, from what you say, sleeping with the other girl was "waiting to happen". With all the facebook, texting and bullshit!
He thought if he grovelled enough you'd take him back. He was wrong.

STOP wasting your time on him. He's not worth it. I know you are really hurt and that's quite natural. Allow yourself to feel like that.
He's annoyed you had the upper hand.

He will cheat on you again given the chance.

kaitlinktm Thu 10-Dec-15 14:15:59

I suppose he thought that as you had unfriended him on FB he might as well unfollow you on Instagram.

Two weeks must be his grovelling limit.

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 10-Dec-15 16:16:35

I've just been dumped ('it's not you, it's me') and I'm considering in friending him on FB simply because it hurts too much every time I see his name. So far I haven't as I'm still vaguely hoping he'll change his mind.

laplandbeckonsme Thu 10-Dec-15 17:21:48

Yeah it probably was "waiting to happen".

Thing is to unfollow someone on Instagram takes an effort. It's like you have to atually sit there and think "I don't wan to see this person's posts" and you have to clik on your settings and unfollow them, then it says "are you sure?" and to me that just feels like a "fuck you I hate you" message which hurt me a lot.

BerylStreep Thu 10-Dec-15 17:41:32

He sounds like a player - he was grooming you and as soon as your last relationship broke down, he ramped up the pressure because he wanted to be the one in control.

In all likelihood he has a number of people on the horizon at any one time, and this other girl was probably someone he had been stringing along too.

Him sleeping with her after you had had a row were the actions of a very angry man - it was a revenge fuck, designed to hurt you.

Thank your lucky stars it is over, and perhaps spend some time thinking about why you are attracting people who cheat, and even more importantly, why your sense of worth is so low that would even entertain the idea of 'trying to work it out' or be upset that he has unfollowed you. Why do you think you aren't worth more than that? I always think these players have very finely honed antennae for seeking out people who are vulnerable.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 11-Dec-15 04:56:12

I'm sorry , but there is a hint of game playing on your part in your posts.

It sounds as though you dumped him hoping he'd try and win you back and instead as just finalised the split.

At least you know now.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 11-Dec-15 05:34:13

Sounds like it was doomed. I'm sorry you have been hurt though.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 11-Dec-15 06:11:24

I've just reread and realised you started dating at the start of October and you dumped him "a few weeks ago" so you were seeing him for about 6 weeks?

I wouldn't even have started following someone on fb after 6 weeks!

And as for him not being "that sort of person", what you are describing os just 'a person'. It doesn't take a particular sort of person to unfollow someone on social media...

I have absolutely no interest in having my newsfeed filled up with the ramblings of an ex.

You unfriended him on fb and told him you didn't want to sort it out and didn't want him to contact you again. He unfollowed you on instagram and now you're upset he listened to you and hasn't tried to win you back again.

He's behaved exactly as I'd expect someone to!

Does it matter why he did it? You dumped him. Surely you don't want him knowing the minutiae of your life anymore anyway.

SongBird16 Fri 11-Dec-15 06:48:19

He could have done it for any one of a number of reasons.

Because he's angry that you had the audacity to dump him and block him on Facebook, and is retaliating to hurt you

Because you asked him not to contact you and blocked him on Facebook, so he's belatedly trying to do the decent thing and respect your wishes

Because he's upset and sad about the breakup, and kicking himself for messing it up, and feels it will help him to get over it if he goes no contact

We'll probably never know but can't help thinking all of it would've been more straightforward if you'd just said what you meant.

FWIW I think you're better off without him, stop fretting and move on.

category12 Fri 11-Dec-15 07:06:21

You see it quite a bit on here - a bloke pursues and after a long period 'wins' the woman, then goes on to treat her poorly much to her confusion. I dunno if it's 'game', but it seems a thing.

I think you're even more upset because you're used to his attention and pursuit, and that he's apparently given up is another blow on top of the cheating. But he's honestly doing you an enormous favour.

Block him everywhere and have a good weep, and move on.

Thistledew Fri 11-Dec-15 07:07:10

Surely the lesson to be learned from this is that you need honesty and communication to make a relationship work. Nobody is a mind reader; if you expect your partner to guess what you are really thinking or meaning then chances are you will end up hurting when they guess wrong.

Why did you not just say to him "I'm unsure of whether I want to be in a relationship with you at the moment. I need some time to think so give me some space. Let's not speak for a week, and after that the ball is in your court to convince me I can trust you not to do this again"?

Try it next time, but write this one off.

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