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A problem a day - playing with kids

(6 Posts)
torontonian Thu 10-Dec-15 07:21:44

Hello MN, I am becoming a very frequent poster here since I am living under the same roof as STBXH and the conflict is escalating. I hope that you don't get tired of me and continue to offer your valuable advice and support.

Background: STBXH asked for divorce 5 months ago. Still in the same house, lawyers getting started. DD is 5 months, DS 2.5 years.

I feel he plays games to his convenience. I have been doing the daycare run (3 km away so: subway, no elevators, baby in tow) because "I needed to be able to do it by myself". He started to dropoff again at his convenience (when he resumed contact with OW, who is a mom from daycare).
I do all pediatrician appointments for the kids (again subway, 2 lines, rain or shine).
He only takes DS (and not DD) on the weekends if he is meeting somebody, i.e. he doesn't take DS to the park but to his friends house (only where he is going to be "seen").
If I dare to ask for help he will ask if I can't handle two kids. He never takes both unless pushed.
He goes to bed around midnight and wakes up at 7. He can't be bothered during his beauty sleep. DS is waking up in the middle of the night and coming to my room 99% of the nights. The baby also sleeps in my room. One of them crying wakes the second one. He won't help and was really angry when I asked once (again I am acussed of not being able to handle).
He minimizes when kids are sick and gets angry if we need to go to the doctor because it will take 2-3h and "he will just say come back in 2 days". I am not a hypochondriac. I am talking of 40 Celsius temp for 2 hours after Tylenol and bath and he will be bothered.
There is a back story about him entering my room while I am sleeping and taking photos. Winding me up and recording on video when I am finally angry.
I started a thread about him saying I am using the kids as weapons (I think that just throwing punches in the air in hoped one will hit me).
Saying I need anger management (his parents were recommending him to make take some pills -- I think that calculated to make me look unfit to take care of the kids).
He is asking for shared parenting (50% of the time with overnights for both kids).
He was calling me insane earlier. I go away, enter a room and close the door, he keeps coming after me with his "song", not leaving me alone.
Tonight DD woke up while I went pee. He came, I took her back when I came out. It was almost his time to go to bed (23.45 and not wearing pjs yet) but he was very upset that I "didn't let him hold DD". I said "well, I assume you are going to bed". He wanted to pick another fight so I let him have it his way. Handed DD, went to bed myself. 10 minutes later he enters my room and sits in the dark without saying anything. DD was crying, DS sleeping in my bed. I asked him what his intentions were and asked him to leave before waking DS up. 5 minutes later he starts texting me:
I am afraid I said something wrong since this is now in writing and he is so twisted and been plotting and winding me up for so long looking for a reaction to record on video or text... please tell me I don't sound too visceral sad
Prick: I understand that you need to sleep more, this however is not the way to do it. I can call off my job tomorrow hmmm why!? even though I believe it places the team at mycompany in jeopardy yes, you are so super special. I will find a way to feed DD as I believe we have the formula and sufficient bottles here at home. If not I will find something at drugmart or otherwise. (^DD is exclusively breastfed^)
me: are you OK?
p: You just told me to get out of the master bedroom because you were sleeping and you intend to sleep. So I am continuing to care for DD. you asking for aproval or just winding me up, Prick?
m:I went to pee, DD woke up in that 1 minute, I took her back to put her to sleep and you were complaining that I took her from you and I don't let you hold her.15 minutes later you sit in MY bedroom in the dark with a baby crying while DS is sleeping there. No idea of what your intentions were. And just 30 minutes later you are all over the place talking about canceling work and going to drugmart...You don't soutnd very reasonable Prick
p:My intention is to go awake to work tomorrow. But if I have to take care of DD of course that of course overrides work
me:It looks like you had a tantrum when I took DD. It was the time that you go to bed every night for your beauty sleep and you can't be disturbed. But as a toddler, you needed it your way.It wasn't so funny when I just let you have it, right?And now you are just being ridiculous. This is insane.
p:This is the first night you turned the lights off and your back on me and DD all the while telling me to get out.So perhaps it is a mood swing, I don't know since you only antagonize and not communicate (^again here trying to picture me as crazy^)
me:I turned my back on DD? How? By letting you hold her when you were accusing me of not letting be with your daughter??
p:I am telling you not to worry and get your rest we will be fine. You said to get out.
me:You said you wanted to hold her, I went to bed. Am I not allowed? Do I need to wait for you to not want to hold her anymore with the lights on? You came into my room, sat in a chair and said nothing. you were just trying to not let DS or me rest.did you talk? No.And you are not welcome to sit in my room. Specially when I am sleeping. You are creepy. If you were saying get your rest everything will be ok you would not be sending me messages to tell me that.
p:If you hear us leave to go shopping you might worry as to why so I am letting you know.
me:You are just bullying me because you are now feeling how stupid your knee jerk reaction was. Obviously not what you wanted.Just to say something opposed to me. You got tired of holding her in 10 minutes... very mature. Her next feeding is at 2am.Don't worry, I have milk and you don't need to learn how to prepare formula. I am not far.
p:Okay go sleep.I won't wake you unless the formula thing does not work.

I went downstairs, took DD and told him that he hurts any of the kids to expect the worst from me. Came back to my room. He was asking me if I am going to take DS to daycare tomorrow (brave he is).

me: I want to f**** kill you now
No playing with the kids you ashole selfish toughtless. I am blocking you now. I don't want more nonsense from you.

I did not want to not let him sleep. That is why I went for DD. That is actually why all this bullshit, because he wanted to go to sleep. But I feel I need to put up with all his abuse to not make things worse.
I want to add that he ordered some renovations a month ago or so: new interior doors. The doors were not cut correctly so the handles didn't fit. So doors don't have a handle and can't be closed (moreover they have a hole to look through). So I feel quite uncomfortable right now. I stuck a dresser behind the door once so he couldn't enter when I am sleeping and he was taking photos throw the hole (I saw the flash) and I guess he recorded in video as well as he was narrating how I didn't let him enter the room where his DS was sleeping.
Desperate. Hard to swallow everything and not say a word. I try to run in the opposite direction and he follows. I can't even lock doors...

AuntieStella Thu 10-Dec-15 07:32:29

I don't remember your earlier posts, so no not sick of you.

And this big thing that jumps out from this is the need to separate properly. Why are you still under the same roof? Can the actual moving be brought forward?

As it sounds like you're in US, the practicalities of that might be quite different, I don't know how that might be achieved. But it's what needs to be done.

torontonian Thu 10-Dec-15 07:42:36

Hi auntie, thanks for replying smile I really think that once the relationship is over, prolonging the cohabitation just makes things worse than they were.
We have 2 kids and house is jointly owned so we are both entitled to stay and supossed leaving the house can affect the decision about visitation since a judge would look into the status quo.
We have tried to get to an agreement before involving lawyers but finally retained last week as we can't reach a solution. Once we have a visitation schedule either of us can move out without an impact on custody. But... He won't necessarily agree to the proposal and we might be headed to court... count 3 more months until we have a conference... I am in Canada by the way. Similar system (but important differences), same queen smile

Iamthinking Thu 10-Dec-15 09:33:16

God that sounds awful. Really, really, hellish. Like mental torture.
He sounds unhinged - taking photos through holes in doors!!!!? What the fuck??!

Mermaidhair1 Thu 10-Dec-15 10:40:57

What an awful situation for you.
I would try very very hard not to engage with him.
That was a long text conversation about an issue very late at night.
I know he is in the wrong and it's frustrating but I would try to approach things differently with him.

hefzi Thu 10-Dec-15 12:41:14

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to add my support: I think you're really sensible to try to limit any written communications, especially text, as they can be twisted - and he already sounds twisted enough. Keep on doing what you are - cool and calm, and not letting him see he's riled you. flowers

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