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volatile couple

(25 Posts)
tma1968 Wed 09-Dec-15 21:10:49

We have been together 13 yrs and have spent a lot of that time bickering and arguing. We have 2 lovely kids 10&6 who love us both. We try very hard not to argue in front of them but obviously this sometimes happens. A lot of our rows are over our conflicting views on parenting. I'm too soft he's too hard. Also I'm outgoing he's reserved. I'm chatty he's quiet. I'm a spender he's a saver. I like restaurants he can't b bothered. I like xmas he hates it, I'm a positive person he's a pessimist. I have everything materially so I should have no reason to be unhappy but I am. I'm sad that we can't get on and I have to attend every party on my own and I take my kids to see santa alone. I feel like it's him and then me and the kids. I'd have left him yrs ago but he begs me to try again and cries when I suggest separating. My main concern is the impact a seperation wud have on my kids. My son recently said to me "please don't leave dad mum cos it wud ruin my life". What do you say to that?? The thought of living with this negative person for the rest of my life is awful but the thought of hurting my kids is much worse. I can cope when he's at work and I can go out as much as I like but that's not a marriage is it? Thoughts please!! confused

SoleBizzzz Wed 09-Dec-15 21:26:15

The longer you stay the more miserable you'll feel. This could wreck yout mental health. You are lonely, low and incredibly torn by your majorly different attitudes towards life. Your DS shouldn't be the reason you do not divorce.
How would you divorcing ruin your DS life?

Unless couple counsellong can help him see how you both are unsuited?

tma1968 Wed 09-Dec-15 21:57:57

I can't say why my son thinks it wud ruin his life because I can't have that conversation with him unless I'm definitely going to do it. I think it's mainly to do with the house and all his stuff and friends. My husband would never leave so I wud have to. Of course I realise my son wud learn to live with it but it's such a massive thing to do. My husbands family are lovely and we are very close. They say things like "u deserve a medal putting up with him!" And they all laugh. They have no idea how bad it is. No one has really except my mum because I'm her child and she can read me like a book but ive even convinced her all is well. If u met me u wud think I'm happy. I'm the life and soul of the party. It's hard work when ur this miserable lol. He's not all bad obviously. He's a hard worker and we have lovely holidays etc. He's just so different from me. The question is when is the right time? I left him overnight in September. He cried and begged and i really hated bein bac at mums so I came home. No things changed. He's the same as he was 13 yrs ago. I'm so angry with myself for not listening to my doubts in the beginning. I fancied the pants off him and mistook it for love. I thought things wud improve wen he grew up but he's 41 now and it's not gona get any better is it? I'm not sure I've got the energy to do it. It seems much easier to stay!

SoleBizzzz Wed 09-Dec-15 22:35:20

No he won't change. Have you seen a solicitor about your options regarding the house?

reni2 Wed 09-Dec-15 22:55:58

Neither of you is going to change fundamentally at this stage in your lives. If nothing is there to save, I would cut my losses. On the other hand, couple counselling might be worth a shot, if only for a better separation.

SoleBizzzz Wed 09-Dec-15 23:00:52

Do you love him?

Benzalkonium Wed 09-Dec-15 23:02:41

Your son doesn't want you to separate because it's a big change that he's resistant to. Does he cope well with change in general? It could be that living with a 'volatile couple' is affecting him to make him fear change.

Don't make your decision based in your son's fear. You are the adult and you need to find a way to see clearly how to make the best of the situation.

pocketsaviour Wed 09-Dec-15 23:04:58

I would give couples counselling a shot before finally pulling the plug.

As to him refusing to leave the house - no man is above the law. It's far more likely you'd be allowed to remain in the house til the youngest is 18, and he'd be asked to leave. However it does depend on the overall financial picture.

SelfLoathing Thu 10-Dec-15 00:04:38

A lot of our rows are over our conflicting views on parenting. I'm too soft he's too hard. Also I'm outgoing he's reserved. I'm chatty he's quiet. I'm a spender he's a saver. I like restaurants he can't b bothered. I like xmas he hates it, I'm a positive person he's a pessimist.

Serious question and not intended to be snarky - but why and how did you get together and decide to stay together?

A key feature of long term relationships (and I use that word to include friendships as well as sexual relationships) is compatibility on things that matter. Your description sounds as if you are totally incompatible. I don't understand why or how you would have thought this was a long term proposition if you are so basically different. In a sexual living together relationship senses, Issues like saving/spending are so important.

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 05:05:13

We fell head over heels in lust I think! And if I'm brutally honest I was 33 he was 28 and my biological clock was ticking. I wanted a family desperately and I naively thought he wud change. How wrong was I?! Although believe it or not he's a lot better now than he was but it's been a struggle getting here! I think also we are surrounded by people in bad relationships and ours doesn't seem to bad in comparison! He's not a nasty person just self centered selfish and obstinate. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to regardless of my feelings. Very spoiled as a child. His own mother warned me what he was like but I ignored her. I didn't want to listen.

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 05:17:17

I honestly can't answer the question 'do you love him?' I'm not sure I like him but
I definitely don't hate him. I still like sleeping with him when it happens but it's rare as we are often not speaking! We have often said that we have all the basics for a good relationship it's just unfortunate that we don't get on!! We both want to be boss and we don't compromise well. I always say if I hadn't have had children with him I'd have left yrs ago. But I have got kids and they are my priority.

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 05:27:53

Wen we bought the house I was on another mortgage and cud not have my name on this mortgage. Obviously as we are married now so that's changed altho he refused to add my name once it was possible because it was a waste of £300. Over the years during rows ive been told to get out of 'his' house. It sort of sticks in ur brain that it's not ur house and I cudnt b bothered with the hassle of arguing over bricks and mortar. I'd rather just rent a house that he has no claim over. I probably couldn't afford this house on my own either. For the children tho it wud b ideal if he left as it wud mean minimal upheaval. He worked away once and we didn't even notice he was gone till he came back at weekends! I doubt I'd get him out tho. I think he only wants me because I have the kids. Don't think he's overly keen on me either if I'm honest lol x

Jan45 Thu 10-Dec-15 13:42:29

What a horrible way to bring up your family, surrounded by bickering and sniping, will be doing their self esteem and values no good whatsoever.

He puts on the crocodile tears cos he knows it will stop you doing anything, not because he wants to do his best to make things better, if he did, he'd make a bloody effort, he does FA by the sounds of it, just wants his life on the outside to look rosy at the expensive of your happiness.

Feck that sorry OP, I'd be making plans to live without him, he can still be a good dad and see his kids regularly - the tears are just a ploy, his actions tell you all you need to know.

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 15:11:23

thanx everyone your comments are gratefully received. i am going to get thru xmas and save some money then leave. ive had a read thru our old msgs and the pattern seems to be we have a big fall out about every 2 weeks then we have a week or so where hes nice then a week or so where hes normal i then blow my stack and so it begins again. most of our bitching is done by text etc so trust me when i say my kids really dont see much arguing altho i cant say none which is bad enuf. they are surrounded by love from a large family and have marvelous social lives so they arnt home much!! besides the kids bein upset im frightened of getting out then regretting it, i cant face any more mistakes but this relationship isnt getting any better and i cant see how counselling will help as we are so incompatible.
i told him yesterday that i read back our old arguments and the pattern is 2 wks etc so hes not talking to me now because this is casting up the past and i didnt need to bring it up apparently!
oh well ill live to fight another day im sure!!

Jan45 Thu 10-Dec-15 15:39:51

OP, don't kid yourself, read again, your kids are being affected, you will regret this for the rest of your life, putting them in a position of having to live in a toxic environment, don't do it, I know it will be hard but you could still live apart and parent well, the kids wouldn't have to listen to both your crap all the time and that's really what is it, probably borne out of you two not being compatible, common mistake people make by staying together for the kids sake - be honest, to yourself and everyone else.

Offred Thu 10-Dec-15 17:19:44

My exh said exactly the same to his mum and she stayed because of him.

His mum hates his dad deeply. They lead weird lives that are independent of each other and enmeshed at the same time. Because of this dynamic what xh learned about relationships is that women hate men and everything about them and that men have to manipulate and trick women to be able to get to do anything they want to do.

He also never learned to communicate. None of his family talk to each other about anything. Talking about things is something to be avoided at all costs. What you must do is pretend everything is fine.

You do not stay in a relationship just because a child is sad about the split.

Offred Thu 10-Dec-15 17:24:07

His mum and dad are still together, in their late 60s/70s. She feels it is too late to leave now. She has no small children to bind her to him, she's the one financially supporting him now, she just fear of being alone in old age.

Her whole life has been wasted and she has so much bitterness towards her husband.

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 21:27:08

once again thanx i really am taking all ur comments on board. sometimes its hard to see whats happening under your own nose. i was thinking to myself today "if a stranger told me this story about themselves would i think it was acceptable or would i say get the hell out ur wasting ur life!" im thinking the latter! hard when its me tho. i think my own childhood has a lot to do with things too...i had a physically abusive father and then an emotionally abusive own husband is a saint compared to those two morons so i perhaps dont see his behaviour as that bad. the things i saw and heard as a child would make ur hair curl!! its funny because when youve witnessed abuse in ur family you would think you would spot all the signs and run for the hills but its what ur used to dealing with so u can actually more easily accept it, especially if hes not as bad. ive got lots to think about!!

Arfarfanarf Thu 10-Dec-15 21:38:32

Is it possible he is saying things to your kids and that is why your son is begging you not to leave your husband? Because your husband has made comments that are distressing to the child?

AmyLouKin Thu 10-Dec-15 22:05:13

My parents used to argue all the time. I hated it! I used to wish they would separate. My mother was miserable. By the time I was in my teens I would actively tell them to get a divorce (of course they didn't listen)! It took till I was 18, for mum to leave him but it was the best thing she ever did.
Op, can you really live with him for the rest of your life! You won't ruin your child's life. If you are happy, I'm sure they will be!

Hillfarmer Thu 10-Dec-15 22:14:26

A lot of our rows are over our conflicting views on parenting. I'm too soft he's too hard. Also I'm outgoing he's reserved. I'm chatty he's quiet. I'm a spender he's a saver. I like restaurants he can't b bothered. I like xmas he hates it, I'm a positive person he's a pessimist.

Serious question and not intended to be snarky - but why and how did you get together and decide to stay together?

I didn't find out that my XH's approach to parenting was radically different to mine until we actually became parents after 7 years of marriage. Basically his approach to parenting was that suddenly he was in charge and that I should agree with whatever he thought and if I didn't then I was selfish and didn't care about my child. He became abusive and controlling, like a switch had been flicked, as soon as our first dc was born. I don't blame myself for not knowing what he would be like. It was a shock. Just sayin'....

tma1968 Thu 10-Dec-15 22:52:15

my son doesnt beg me..once he overheard us arguing downstairs when he was in bed (we assumed he was asleep) i had made a comment to my husband about wanting a divorce and when i went upstairs my son then said mum please dont divorce dad cos it wud ruin my life. obviously we havent yet reached the stage where they are begging us to seperate!!
i had no idea we were so unsuited as we met bought a house n had a baby within 4 yrs. i just put it down to us being new and we wud settle. i just didnt know him very well i realise now. also we were all friends in a large group. we just made up the gang, everyone thought we were perfect for each other....even now if i put pix on fb the comments are all "lovely family" makes me wince because its not true. if only they knew!!
how did u make the break?

jessicame Fri 11-Dec-15 07:33:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred Fri 11-Dec-15 07:50:04

My kids are still upset about our split and crying about wanting us to live together. It is tough to deal with but I just keep reiterating that things can never be as they used to be because daddy and I don't love each other or want to live together anymore so if we lived together we would be sad and shouty. What we all have to do is find ways to make our new lives happy but it is a sad thing for everyone at the moment but we can all help each other feel better by talking about our feelings and remembering to be kind to each other.

These are not decisions that kids should make.

tma1968 Tue 02-Feb-16 10:04:57

just reading through my last post.
still here feeling miserable.
we had a flood in the garage, i ended up furiously clearing it up on my own as he hadnt bothered to while i was at work. if that wasnt bad enuf he told me that him and his work colleague had found it really funny that id done it on my own while he sat inside. that literally broke me. how can he have such a horrible lack of respect?? am i overreacting?

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