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how do you keep going?

(13 Posts)
mapmyface Wed 09-Dec-15 17:52:14

Dh left on Sunday, we have been together since school a total of 14 years married for 9.
We have three young children.
See other thread for more details but he's basically been distant for the past two months, and says he's unhappy. On Sunday he told me he felt happier without me around and didn't know if he wanted to be with me so he has gone. I have had a few texts since but just about the children, he won't respond to my texts unless it's about them.

I feel broken, I just want to curl up in bed and take a sleeping tablet and sleep for a week, but obviously I can't do that.
I keep bursting into tears in front of the children which I hate but can't seem to control. I have no idea how I will manage work tomorrow.

For those that have been there, how do i keep on going? I feel so weak but I know I need to be strong.

ThreeFrazzledFandangos Wed 09-Dec-15 17:59:23

I'm so sorry. It's totally shit. Happened to me in April after 11 years together, 1DS.

Honest answer is it'll be shit for a good while yet and the only way to get through it is to just keep going.

Do you have friends/family that you've told?

mapmyface Wed 09-Dec-15 18:02:13

Yes I have a good friend who I've told and also my mum, but I hate talking about it. My mum especially thinks there must be a reason he's gone and obviously I don't know why as he won't talk.
So talking to her makes me feel angry and frustrated.
I just want everything and everyone to disappear so i can go to bed with a bottle of gin

SongBird16 Wed 09-Dec-15 18:02:30

I'm sorry this has happened.

I got through it by (1) taking time off work, (2) telling friends and family so that I got support and (3) seeing a solicitor so that I could get the practical stuff straight in my head.

Take a few days to indulge yourself and then get organised. He's had time to plan it so you're on the back foot for now, but I would suggest getting up to speed asap.

Get angry. If angry isn't the prevalent emotion right now, fake it. Seeing you cool, calm and collected will throw him for six. Let him see the harsh reality of his decision by asking him what days he wants to pick the children up.

You are stronger than you know. Keep going.

SongBird16 Wed 09-Dec-15 18:06:04

And there will be a reason, and it'll be an OW. Men don't leave their home comforts and children unless there's someone else, although they may pretend there isn't so that they don't look like the bad guy. I've never seen a story like your's on here without an OW eventually making an appearance. Prepare for it and use it to fuel your recovery. He's not the man you thought and you're well shot of him.

Jan45 Wed 09-Dec-15 18:14:18

Yeah chances are high that it's OW.

As above, surround yourself with as much help as you can muster, everyone will want to help you and don't let him just shrug of his responsibilities, ensue he does his bit but don't let him in the house, he can take them out for the afternoon surely.

What an absolute wanker, use your kids to stay strong, get a sitter and have a night with your friends, just lean, lean, lean, it will help you through this.

Pity he didn't realise all this before having 3 children with you, I'm afraid he's now shown you his worth.

AlsatianNasty Wed 09-Dec-15 19:04:58

I sat on the bedroom floor for a week.

My friends sent me practical useful advice about getting the home and finances sorted.

That helped me take control and look forwards.

The solicitor told me to sort out a mediator and I did it straight away. Took him two months to go to his consultation and he dragged it on.

He then came back saying he didn't want to separate, but guess what, he was still seeing OW.

I think once the initial shock for you is over, summons the strength to shock the miserable fucker right back with your plans for surviving without him.

I have been there and the grief is horrendous. But start showing him you agree with his decision and start planning for the future.

I actually enjoy life more now and when I was in the immediate stages of shock and separation, I truly didn't think that was possible.

An exciting and different future awaits. One day you'll realise that you would never go back to a man that can be such a twat to you and your kids.

Find your friends. Some will be weird if they've known you as one half of a couple but others will prove to be gold. I had a friend from school come out ofvtge woodwork and share her experiences, I'd not seen her for 25 years.

Lots of good strong advice right here on MN.

Look after yourself OP and the rest will follow.

Best wishes and strength to you. You will do great flowers

mapmyface Wed 09-Dec-15 20:44:48

Thanks all, he's denying there's an ow but I've prepared myself for the worst. I just wish he'd be honest with me.

how could he give up three gorgeous innocent children?

I feel devastated, gonna go to the docs in the morn and see if I can get a sick note for a couple of weeks.

It's three weeks before Xmas ffs, bastard.

AlsatianNasty Wed 09-Dec-15 22:15:18

You may find that he hasn't given up the babies. I hope he hasn't and that he will be a good co-parent.
Try to give them the best Christmas you can for now. Yourself too.

I promise, in a years' time you will look back on now and realise how amazing and strong and resilient you are.

Whatever his reasons for going, you still have a good life ahead.

Focus on practical.

Read on here about 'the script'.

Expect a load of self-satisfied bullshit from him.

But try to focus on getting out of the mess he's doubtless left you with.

Be brave. Be strong.

TheFormidableMrsC Wed 09-Dec-15 22:23:50

I have been there too. So so sorry you are flowers. Been two years, still recovering. Initially, I concentrated on looking after two very bewildered kids. Tried to sort the practicalities. Leaned heavily on family and friends. Took help when it was offered. Ate food that was left on my doorstep by kind and generous friends. Avoided too much alcohol because otherwise I would never stop. Please try and eat and sleep, they are so important, my health really suffered because of lack of those two things. I still can't sleep now as I got into such bad habits.

I hate to say it, there will be an OW, there always is. Unfortunately, Christmas can be a catalyst for this sort of thing, it was in my case. After a year, you will feel so differently, I can't explain. I still hurt, my husband and OW started a campaign of behaviour that you couldn't even begin to make up. I am sure that stunted my recovery, however, I am in a much better place now, making plans for the future and getting back to some sort of normal. My ex looks like a pile of shit, if the grass was greener, you'd never know it.

I promise you will get through this...practicalities first! Oh and counselling, I forgot to mention counselling, it was the best thing I did, really helped me cope! Good luck OP.

AlsatianNasty Wed 09-Dec-15 22:26:22

Yep, Formidable, good call on the counselling.

It really helps the self esteem....

SusieQuarter Wed 09-Dec-15 22:57:38

Also been there. Two years like Formidable and still recovering too.

Honestly looking back the first year was pure shock, second yeat has ben the healing. It depends on the circumstances. Mine was a suprise abaondonment from a man I thought worshipped the ground I walked on. Was like a death to me, but probably worse.

I am going to snip and quote here from Cheryl Stayed writing. It was one of her letters to a chap who lost his son, but I felt the words spoke to me...

********

I don’t know how you go on. I only know that you do. And you have. And you will.

It’s your life. The one you must make in the obliterated place that’s now your world, where everything you used to be is simultaneously erased and omnipresent.

The word obliterate comes from the Latin obliterare. Ob means against; literare means letter or script. A literal translation is being against the letters. It was impossible for you to write me a letter, so you made me a list instead. It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.

The obliterated place is equal parts destruction and creation. The obliterated place is pitch black and bright light. It is water and parched earth. It is mud and it is manna. The real work of deep grief is making a home there.

You have the power to withstand this sorrow. We all do, though we all claim not to. We say, “I couldn’t go on,” instead of saying we hope we won’t have to.

More will be revealed. Your son hasn’t yet taught you everything he has to teach you. He taught you how to love like you’ve never loved before. He taught you how to suffer like you’ve never suffered before. Perhaps the next thing he has to teach you is acceptance. And the thing after that, forgiveness.

Forgiveness bellows from the bottom of the canoe. There are doubts, dangers, unfathomable travesties. There are stories you’ll learn if you’re strong enough to travel there. One of them might cure you.

You go on by doing the best you can, you go on by being generous, you go on by being true, you go on by offering comfort to others who can’t go on, you go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days, you go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage.

*******

There is plenty more on that if you want to Google. Not for one minute comparing divorce to loss of a child but the way she speaks of grief and loss and moving forward definitely helped pull me through.

I am so so sorry OP. I do know how it feels. My life as i knew it was aldo gone in a flash and I will not say it was easy- but yes, you do go on and you do heal and there is a trade where the pain and sorrow takes from you but also gives something back in ways time will reveal for you.

The best advice is to let yourself feel it. Be kind to yourself (so important). Get counselling. Post here. Try and eat and drink a little. Try not to believe you can't go on -because you will find that there is sunshine at the end of the storm. But the storm is so very bad right now I know it's hard to see anything beyond it.

SusieQuarter Wed 09-Dec-15 23:00:17

For what it's worth -there never was another woman in my case. He just decided he didn't love me and ran off. After years together and saying the opposite and making me believe he was so happy with me. I never dreamed he was even 1% disatisfied. There is still no one else in his life two years on.

Did that make it easier? Perhaps....no pain of comparing yourself or jealousy but then also always less closure. Never really understanding why.

I stopped loving him for who he became after he left.

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