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Christmas meltdown

(10 Posts)
Awfullyconfusedwhat Wed 09-Dec-15 13:40:34

hello everyone
I have posted my story before but my husband found this thread. I have been having a tricky two months. I have been with him for 15 years. I have 3 children who are all under 10. He is a good dad, but our relationship has been neglected. I am a teacher - he is a nurse and we both work in hectic jobs. I feel like we have grown apart. We haven't had sex for around a year. I talked to him about this- he went mad and there was lots of shouting and constant arguing He reported me to the police for hitting him ( which I didn't) He also posted what was happening on facebook. I was very wounded after this.

I asked him to leave and he did. I found it really hard being by myself- looking after the three children and working. The thing I can't go over is I don't think I fancy him any longer and although we get on well- I don't think I could be intimate with him. He moved back to our house- because I said we should try to rebuild over Christmas. I booked a spa for us to go to next week. I am worrying now that it is a mistake as he will expect me to go to bed with him and I am not ready for that. I

He is demanding that unless I have sex with him once a week starting this week then he will leave again but wait until after Christmas. I feel emotionally damaged over all that's happened that I can't recreate these feelings from nothing. I don't feel attraction towards anyone let alone him. He says he can't live like this. I worry that the children are going to be confused and I worry about surviving financially if he leaves. We tried counselling once and I didn't really work.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice?

shoeaddict83 Wed 09-Dec-15 13:47:45

So....you didnt have sex for over a year, you tried to discuss that and now all of a sudden hes demanding sex once a week?? WTF?
and reporting you to the police with a lie and writing your marriage issues all over facebook.

Sorry - id take a mate on the spa day and tell him to leave. How can you place demands on someone you allegedly love?

Jan45 Wed 09-Dec-15 13:58:28

Sorry this guy has nothing but contempt for you, I'd never have forgiven what he has done, he's not got your back OP, he sounds decidedly wacky.

Don't take him back cos you need help with the kids, you will get benefits if you are single mum.

You know deep down the trust has been broken and there's probably nothing left there, he is wanting to use you for sex and quite rightly this is turning you ill - you know it's over but are clinging on - fuck taking him for a spa, you should be showing him the door!

You can change your mind OP, get rid.

amarmai Wed 09-Dec-15 14:54:51

def do not have sex with someone who has accused you of assault and put your private problems on FB. Espec you being a teacher , this is very damaging. He needs to be sued for libel and false accusations.

Enoughalreadyyou Wed 09-Dec-15 17:42:54

Why would he shout at you because you brought the lack of sex up? Sounds to me like the defensive taunt was up to no good. Also saying you hit him was his way of playing the victim when actually it's you.
W by would he leave rather than work things out? My radar says he's hiding something so I would do some digging if you can be bothered. Bank accounts and phone bills etc.
Or better still as you don't fancy him tell him to leave. He is manipulative and an entitled cunt.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Dec-15 19:32:21

I find your post so contradictory that I'm left feeling as confused as your name, OP.

You say there's been 'lots of shouting and constant arguing", but you also say you "get on well".

You don't fancy him any longer and don't want to have sex with him, but you've booked a spa break for the pair of you which is the equivalent of giving him the green light for a spot of horizontal jogging.

Counselling hasn't worked and it seems the only reason you're tolerating his presence in your home has more to do with your finances and not wishing to parent alone than any feelings of affection or respect for him.

You claim he's a "good father", but what manner of man makes false allegations about the mother of his dc to the police when it's obvious that claiming she's been violent to him may adversely affect their children?

In addition, posting information of this nature on a social media site for all to see indicates that he has nothing but contempt for you and doesn't care who knows it. What next? Will he post a weekly sex schedule on FB and announce the occasions when you comply with his demand?

Surely the trials and tribulations of being a single parent who has to watching the pennies has to be preferable to living with this unreasonable tosspot screwing with your head because he can't access your body?

Tell him not to bother watiing till after Christmas to get his self-entitled arse out of your home so that you can have a merry and chilled time with your dc and, as suggested by shoe, take a mate to the spa break.

pocketsaviour Wed 09-Dec-15 19:42:02

He is demanding that unless I have sex with him once a week starting this week then he will leave again

Well, that must have made your knickers practically fall down by themselves, eh?

What a tosser. I think you'd be well rid of him to be honest. None of his actions have said that he wants to rebuild the marriage.

Suddenlyseymour Wed 09-Dec-15 19:46:51

So he's willing to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with him, and to put it more brutally, if he can't rape you weekly he's leaving?

ChippyOikInTinsel Wed 09-Dec-15 19:54:13

That isca control thing. No sex for a year? You wanted to fix it but he didnt. He left u to it and now he's demanding it?
That would feel so humiliated and degrading.

Blu Wed 09-Dec-15 21:04:40

"He is demanding that unless I have sex with him once a week starting this week then he will leave again but wait until after Christmas"

And put it all over Facebook again?

No wonder you feel emotionally damaged. No-one could recreate attraction under those conditions!

Is he living with you now?

What was behind the year with no sex? It sounds as if your relationship has been in trouble for a long time.

What came out of the counselling? Did the counsellor offer any observations?

Would it help to go to counselling on your own?

Please, please do not even think of embarking on a sexual relationship with a man for whom you feel no attraction, who has abused you emotionally and psychologically, and is now threatening you into having sex.

If you feel damaged now, you could be broken if you get into this. Much worse than financial hardship.

As a PP said - allegations that you hit him? On Social Media and you are a teacher? He will ruin you. He sounds unbalanced but that's his problem, not yours, unless you let him back into your life.

Honestly, I think you need to tell him to go, now. Tell him that his sex ultimatum has focussed your mind and you cannot and will not have anything to do with someone who demands sex like that.

Please get some support for yourself, OP. To help you rebuild yourself and repair that damage. You are worth it.

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