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Need some perspective re texts/OH's friendships with other women please

(13 Posts)
Chloecoconut Wed 09-Dec-15 00:54:45

I'm in a relationship with a great man.. We live together and usually everything is fab. I have one thing that is niggling away with me and that is how he behaves with other women. He has a lot of female friends which in itself isn't a problem, but I feel uncomfortable with some of the texts he has sent recently. He calls his friends 'stunning' and 'gorgeous' when he texts them which I find a little strange as I wouldn't text my male friends and call them 'gorgeous guy' or tell them that they look amazing. He also has an online friend that he texts a lot - they met playing an online game and have never met in real life but they would both like to do so. He insists that there is nothing sexual and that he'd just like to meet her as he has received good advice from her. Her texts to him are full of kisses (she knows we are together) and when I told him it made me feel uncomfortable he just said hat he'd not responded in the same way (he hadn't) but I found it odd that he didn't say that she was overstepping the mark. my last ltr was horrible and my ex was seeing and texting other women - the same with someone that I was dating after I split with my ex so I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive because of my past or if my current partner just has different boundaries to me. Any advice greatly appreciated - thank you.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Dec-15 02:06:19

What comes across from what you've said is that your behaviour is governed by what is currently perceived to be appropriate/social acceptable moral boundaries for those who are in committed relationships, while this 'great man' you're living with has no such boundaries.

In essence, he's an egoist for whom flattery is the sincerest form of admiration and he thrives on the admiration of random females as it strokes and sustains his over inflated ego.

Do his texts to you frequently call you 'stunning' and/or 'gorgeous', or are the halcyon early days of unsolicited endearments over?

Imo you're not being at all oversensitive and it's high time you told him to either stop indulging in these self-serving flights of fancy or take a hike. If I were you, he'd be left in no doubt that his choice is my way or the highway. However, that said, any man who was under the impression that he could get away with this type of intensely personal and insulting crap under my nose would find himself on the fast train out of my life in no short order.

Don't be under any illusion, OP; he knows full well that he's overstepping the mark in actively seeking/encouraging women who are prepared to venture into forbidden territory with him, but the irony is that he's not a 'woman's man' and any women fool enough to pander to his ego will be discarded like tissues when the next promising boost to his self-image comes along.

Once the layers begin to be peeled off the onion another irony will be revealed, which is that at heart he's insecure in his masculinity/sex appeal to women and, if she could be arsed, even a novice femme fatale could have him wearing blinders and eating only out of her hand - but why bother to make the effort when so many other horses are willing to lead themselves to water and revel in it?

Fratelli Wed 09-Dec-15 07:24:06

Nah I wouldn't be having that I'm afraid. I'm sorry but I don't think it can work if you have such different boundaries. I wouldn't text friends like that and neither would dp.

FredaMayor Wed 09-Dec-15 07:25:59

You're not being oversensitive, the man is a player. Cut your losses.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 09-Dec-15 07:26:03

Sounds like he has all these women around for some emotional stroking and a bit of an ego boost. I can't bear people who do that, male or female, I think it's gross. I wouldn't be ok with that in a partner mostly because I think it's pathetic

hellsbellsmelons Wed 09-Dec-15 09:14:56

No you are not being over sensitive.
I wouldn't like this at all.
But then, I wouldn't be with someone who did this because to me, it's NOT OK.
But we all have different boundaries and only you know yours.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 09-Dec-15 09:21:26

I'm in a relationship with a great man.. We live together and usually everything is fab.

He's not a great man, and no, everything is not fab.

Best case scenario - he thrives on the attention from these women who stroke his ego, he knows this makes you feel uncomfortable, and doesn't give a shit.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Wed 09-Dec-15 10:06:16

Agree with pps. I've known this type of man. Low self esteem and constantly wants validation from women he's not in a relationship with as if you're with him, your opinion of him doesn't matter IYSWIM. Best cut your losses, sorry. You can't fix him sadly. Just my experience.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Dec-15 10:14:39

Different boundaries is one way of putting it. I don't think you'll have a moment's peace. He lives with you, you're a couple but he sends those texts and although some might say there's no problem while he lets you read them, some people do get a kick out of doing something wrong in plain sight.

(Wonder if the female he met online and exchanges kissy messages with is a bloke?).

Jan45 Wed 09-Dec-15 10:27:17

He's an idiot and the sort of man who is seeking thrills elsewhere - this kind of flirting is what leads to bits on the side.

I would not be happy to be in a relationship with any man who didn't give me 100% respect - you have told him how this makes you feel but he continues, obviously getting his kicks from other women is more important to him than you - you already have your answer.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 09-Dec-15 10:33:50

This is the third man you've been with who does this.

Most men don't need a bevy of lovely ladies to boost their ego.

Chloecoconut Wed 09-Dec-15 11:08:58

Thanks for the replies - I'm not happy about it and perhaps just needed a kick up the arse to realise that I'm not being unreasonable. Will be having a chat about it later. Thanks again.

ILiveAtTheBeach Wed 09-Dec-15 11:40:32

Chloe!!!!! angry I wasn't even going to bother logging in this morning, as I'm off Christmas shopping, but was reading your post over breakfast, and felt I had to comment. THIS IS SO WRONG, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE ACCEPTING IT! See, now you've got me shouting. It is unbelievable that he is calling other women Gorgeous and Stunning. What a fucking joke. On what planet would anyone find this ok? If I found texts like that on my DH phone, I am not kidding, it would be Game Over. Goodbye. That's because I've been with men like this before and they ALL cheat. If he's not sleeping with any of them yet, that's where his Train is heading. And you are waving him off the Platform with a smile. Please please wake up Chloe. Wake up! You deserve more. Don't you? flowers x

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