EA/ Alcohol need support

[itsmeagain1]

Hi all,

have been on and off Mumsnet for years now, lurking, posting, lurking again, going through a good patch or a busy patch etc.
Am kind of at a turning point right now and I wanted to try to gain some clarity and I suppose some support and advice.

I won't go into the history, I'll just give you the last 3 days and you might see why I'm at the turning point stage. Apologies in advance for super long post.

Last week it just so happened that I had 3 nights out in a row (Wed-Fri). All valid, all planned a long time in advance, all agreed with DH. None of them major nights out, was home by midnight each night. DH is at home with the kids and does some part time/ random work that fits around their school hours. On Saturday he had a lie in, I took kids to various activities, ran errands etc. Saturday evening there was a match he wanted to watch so he went to pub, ended up staying until closing (from about 4pm).

Sunday around 11am I asked him to get up as we usually take the kids swimming, then go out for lunch - generally Sunday is a family time - agreed by both of us as I work FT and it's nice not to have chores/ scheduled activities on Sundays. He basically got up, started shouting and threatening me, calling me names etc. So he was not happy I had 3 nights out, he was not happy to be at home with kids, I am a control freak, I am a fat cunt, he hates me. Then stormed off to the pub at midday and did not come back until closing time. Texted me to say "you try managing the kids and work tomorrow", so based on previous form, I contacted my boss to say that I needed to work from home for a couple of days for personal reasons.

I ignored him completely, blocked his number, blocked his bank card (joint account). Last month he spent approx £1000 in the pub by the way.
Monday I got up with the kids, he didn't even realise I hadn't left for work and got up at 8.30am and started yelling at the kids to get dressed (they need to leave at 8.40am to be in on time). Saw me in the kitchen getting them ready to leave and stormed out again. After I had dropped them to school, came back to find he had left. He was gone all day, not sure where, I know later in the day he was in the pub (pass there on way to school pickup and saw his car), and again he didn't come home until closing time.

Today, same again, I sorted the kids, this time I came back and he was quiet and subdued (hungover I assume), and said he wanted to talk but first he was walking to get his car. I said fine, I had a couple of work calls to take and I would talk after. He went off around 11am and is still not home.
I phoned him several times and he said he was "on the way". Our son had an appt for ASD assessment at 4pm, he was supposed to take both kids to the clinic as I was supposed to be in work, but as I was at home I had already arranged to start work at 6am and finish early so I could bring DS. He had agreed via text to look after DD while I did this. He was in the pub again - I left DD for 5 minutes and went into the pub (v close to home) and asked him to come home and watch her while I took DS to his appt. He said he was just leaving, so I went back to DD, gave her landline, instructions etc and left with DS (DD is almost 9, for context).

DS's appt took longer than expected for various reasons, so I had left home at 3.45pm and got a call at 5pm from DD on landline saying that she was scared and that Daddy never came home and he wasn't answering her calls.
I was fucking furious. I called him, he actually answered, told him in no uncertain terms to get his fucking arse home, he said "yeah fine" and hung up. Took me a while to get home in traffic etc after appt, I got home at about 6pm - DD had been on her own since 3.45 and he was in the pub fucking drinking with his mates. He's still not home.

I don't know whether to cry or to kick/ break something. I am so furious. I know he is an alcoholic. I know he is EA. I feel like we have come to an impasse. Yet I can't decide what to do. He refuses to leave our house. I am currently dependent on him for childcare. I can't afford to pay a deposit and first month's rent until maybe end of this month, but I can't afford to pay rent and mortgage/ bills for our primary home.
How the fuck did I get myself into this situation? We are broke cause he drinks most of my income. I am the primary earner, I work full time in a high pressure, demanding job. I do pretty much everything at home. I am intelligent and a decent person I think. I thought he was the same but he has become some kind of horrific, hateful being that I don't recognise anymore.

Sorry for the brain dump I needed to get it out. Not sure what I am asking here but I suppose I'm looking for support and understanding. People who have been in a similar situation, how did you get around the obstacles I have to making a clean break? I'm not in UK so can't use any recommendations for the services there. I called Womens Aid locally after he threatened to kill me and bury me while the kids were in the room (about 2 years ago), and was told "there is nothing really that can be done about that". I think I got a fucking trainee..

[donajimena]

You most certainly didn't have a good experience at WA. But he needs to go
.

[donajimena]

Sorry I posted too soon. How old are the children?

[Owllady]

I would try women's aid again
I'm sorry I'm not very good on relationship advice, but you need to all be somewhere safe away from him xxx
Did your sons assessment go ok? A pretty stressful thing to have to face alone too

[Skiptonlass1]

It sounds awful. You poor thing.

How is he accessing your money? Will cutting his access to that card work and allow you to keep more of your money?

What's your plan? If you've stopped his access to that card, how long is it going to take you to save enough to get a deposit/cash to leave together?

Do you have any support where you are? I'm an expat myself and I know how utterly isolated you can feel sometimes.

Were those threats logged with the police?

You have my sympathies. It sounds intolerable. :(

[itsmeagain1]

Kids are 7 and almost 9.
Assessment went fine thanks owllady, this was the last assessment in a number of steps and we should have the report before Christmas.

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

Sell the house, split the proceeds and start a new life without him. It's not as hard as you think. Hopefully you've got equity. That'll be a deposit on your new home. You'll be free of him. You won't have to fund his pub visits. He may well do some childcare now, but he's not reliable. If he spends £1k on booze a month, that will cover all your after school club fees (and you'll have some left over). Get on to the internet now and see what properties are available that you could afford. You have an exciting future that's just waiting for you, to make that leap.

[itsmeagain1]

Skipton, I'm not an expat, I just don't live in the UK. I have family but not close by, his family are close by but they pretty much told me that they have their own problems to deal with.
I stupidly put some money on his credit card to pay for a Christmas related weekend away with some of his friends - car hire, tickets to a match, hotel (600 euro, so about 450 GBP). I figure he is using that over the last few days.
I didn't log with the police, there is no point, my word vs his etc.
The thing with the money is that he is at home with kids - he asks for 100 quid for groceries and petrol - which I put in his account (he uses joint for all his stuff) - then he spend 20 on petrol and 20 on groceries and drinks the rest. But I have to give him money for petrol - other than filling his car and doing everything every day on top of my full time job (leave house at 7am, not back until 6pm at v earliest, then homework, food, bedtime etc), I don't know how I can not give him money for various day to day household related stuff.

[itsmeagain1]

Thanks Iliveatthebeach, that's what I want to do. We have enough equity in the house for me to buy a new house with cash.
Not sure how I can sell the house from under him though.

[itsmeagain1]

Thanks for the kind and non judgemental posts - I was worried someone would say "cop on and just leave you idiot".

[Skiptonlass1]

Well definitely leave, but idiot you are not :)

See a solicitor and get them to advise you on the practicalities- what documents you need, whether you can force a sale, etc. Also what would happen regarding custody - if he's at home with them more would he counts the primary carer?

I hope a year from now you'll be in a better place and look back to see that this was where things started to get better. There's support here - mn is a viper pit sometimes but it can be incredibly supportive too.

[Owllady]

You aren't an idiot, you're just in a really difficult situation but it doesn't sound very safe and its certainly not functional. Does he drink excessively all the time? Has he always done? Or has something triggered it?

I'm glad it went ok with your son. At least that's one thing over with.

You can always contact Al Anon for support for yourself

[Squeegle]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation with my ex. I tried and tried to get it to work. The thing is that alcohol is in charge. I was lucky in that (in the end), he agreed to leave.

It depends, is he actually violent towards you? Do you feel threatened? If so maybe you just need to go. Get out before you are hurt. But if he's not then maybe you can work out a way to split. But before that you need to start planning. For me it all changed when I realised I couldn't change him, I could only change what I chose to do, and that was when I started making my preparations. That changed a lot in my own mind. Also, have you got any real life help? Can you be honest with anyone? That will make you feel stronger. And you need some proper legal advice. Start planning....it may take a while, but it will be worth it. Life is simpler without an abusive alcoholic. They mess with your head!

[itsmeagain1]

No, he's not violent, he is large and threatening but he wouldn't fucking dare touch me. I pretty much avoid him when he's in a mood or drunk anyway.

I need to be honest with someone IRL but not there yet.. Not sure who as everyone has their own stresses/ problems.

[Jan45]

Jesus, this man is abusing you emotionally and financially and no doubt your head is fucked with it all.

Please sit down and do your sums, you can't continue to live with this arsehole, sorry, cock lodging arsehole.