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That cliche of married woman meeting man at work.....

(54 Posts)
midlife2015 Tue 08-Dec-15 19:28:30

Long story short. Had trouble with marriage husband was slightly depressed but still great dad- I have been on this site before worrying I didn't fancy him. My husband sorted himself out now has his sparkle. Whilst this is going on with hubby, I fancy guy at work - didn't know if he did. All was ok re building marriage then boom.... Night out with man he asks if I am unhappy with hubby and if I am leaving him. I am an experienced person with people this guy is decent. He is in a relationship no kids I have kids. I couldn't answer him as we are up and down. I try to kiss him he refrains cos said it would be more complicated. He asked twice if I was going to leave my hubby. There is a connection and I cannot concentrate it s ridiculous . Saw him today he asked if I was ok . I know this is a cliche (i am 37) I have so much to lose but can't get him out of my head. Help! I know some people will judge me but I also know other women go through this. Yes I am probably bored of marriage (awful to say) I also haven't had the feeling of fancying someone (with hubby it just grew steadily) such turmoil

bigbumbrunette Tue 08-Dec-15 19:43:32

You could do the decent thing and leave your husband. Let him be happy with someone he deserves. Then you'll be free to find out that this man really isn't interested when you're no longer 'a challenge' for him to reel in.

Potatoface2 Tue 08-Dec-15 19:44:30

'i am an experienced person with people this guy is decent'....no hes not...he has picked up that you have had problems at home and is using that to his advantage....he has a partner too....keep well away if you dont want to disrupt your family.....hes asked you if you are leaving your husband, what about his partner?...you only have to read the sad storys on here about dumped partners....struth!

donajimena Tue 08-Dec-15 19:46:36

You silly silly woman. Make your mind up whether you want to leave your husband but oh heavens leave this man out of it.
The 'connection' is in your pants. You don't know him!

ImperialBlether Tue 08-Dec-15 19:46:53

I think you should picture yourself telling your children that you and their dad are splitting up. It's truly the worst thing in the world to do.

Adelecarberry87 Tue 08-Dec-15 19:51:08

You're poor hubby, he deserves so much better. Call me old fashiobed you take the good with the bad in marriage not go chasing another man. I have to response the same way i would if your male and you were cheating on your wife. Save people the future heartache and leave.

Seeyounearertime Tue 08-Dec-15 19:53:56

If he was a decent person he'd be the other side of the office giving little more than a "morning" to you.
He's married and yet flirting and pestering you who is also married? That's not a decent guy, that's a fucknut.

Magpie18 Tue 08-Dec-15 19:57:46

Act your friggin age

midlife2015 Tue 08-Dec-15 20:15:30

Well thank you for the very unhelpful advice - let me hope you are never in this situation. He is a nice guy - I thought he was decent by not snogging me ?! Life is not always straight forward whatever age you are. Yes I do wish I was one of those wife's who is happy with what I have but I am not is that a crime?? We have been through a lot with our children being poorly think I am just very unsettled.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Tue 08-Dec-15 20:19:43

Then leave your husband! Why are you looking on here for permission? If you are that unhappy then grow up and go something about it. Expressing your teenage angst over a crush is pretty embarrassing.

Seeyounearertime Tue 08-Dec-15 20:20:29

I've been in that situation, all be it reversed.

I was unhappy in my marriage and a very decent woman t work WS there with a nice friendly ear.
Strange when I finally left my wife, she decided now want the time.

What should have happened is the energy used discussing things with her, I should have used it to discuss things with my wife and maybe, just maybe We wouldnt have split etc.

But hey, what do I know?

neighbourhoodwitch Tue 08-Dec-15 20:21:37

midlife I totally agree with you, life is not black and white & people are so quick to judge. don't really have advice but this other guy seems to be highlighting thr problems you currently have. x

donajimena Tue 08-Dec-15 21:07:42

Too right I am judging. I've told my OH he can see/shag whoever he wants as long as he dumps me before that happens.
I could have just about coped if my ex had told me he had met someone he was attracted too. Instead he cheated and took away my choice

midlife2015 Tue 08-Dec-15 21:25:12

Thank you neighbourhood witch xx and see you nearer the time xx

Samaritan1 Tue 08-Dec-15 21:32:53

This crush is based in fantasy, not reality. You have to keep reminding yourself of that.

There is only one realistic course of action (unless you want yo create a train wreck), cut off all contact with this man. Refocus on your marriage. If you really no longer love your husband or the relationship is making you unhappy, then end it. But do it for the right reasons, a fantasy crush on another man is not, imo, a reason to end a marriage.

I would talk to a counsellor to help you see the situation more clearly - the way you feel now is not uncommon, but many people in this situation make a huge mess of things because they think this new "love" is real. It really isn't. In time you will look back and realise that.

ohdearymeee Tue 08-Dec-15 21:33:08

If your marriage is not happy and not fulfilling you then you have to take steps to end it, it's very painful but maybe you leave it with some dignity and can still be on speaking terms with your stbxh. Or you stay in it and make the best of it and ignore this other person.. Good luck in what you decide x

Atomik Tue 08-Dec-15 22:21:06

People who are married are wed, not dead.

There will be crushes, infatuations, attractions. It's not earth shattering. It's not a rare meeting of "meant to be". It's not an infallible sign that your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Romeo & Juliet do not need to eat their hearts out, because to the people noticing, and some will probably have noticed, it will likely look more cliched & unprofessional than exciting & romantic.

You deal with it. Every time you tingle, flutter, perk up at an idea to do with him - you shut it down. So if you find yourself picking what to wear carefully to look attractive for him, catch yourself and put on the skirt that doesn't suit as a kind of negative reinforcement. Ditto hair, make up, anything else meant to garner sexual attention from him. Same goes for engineered chats, visits to the coffee machine when he'll be there etc. Catch yourself, remind yourself you aren't 14 anymore... and do the opposite. Aim for massive "wide berth" rather than fluttery "wide eyed" where he is concerned.

There isn't enough sexual fission in the world that could make up for your children's devastation if you deliberately take a sledgehammer to their happy enough home.

And it will be deliberate. Even if you didn't think anybody would find out, Even if you didn't realise you'd cross any (rather mobile) lines in the sand until you did. It would be deliberate becuase when you pick your thrill over your family members, despite knowing the risks to them, you are making the clear, undeniable choice to gamble with other people's short and long term happiness.

You are in complete control of this. You are driving it. There are no little people inside you making you do what you don't want to do. The bloke has not taken the driving seat of your central nervous system. So work out who matters most to you, your inner teenager, or the people you chose to commit/create. Bear in mind if you pick them, then just you will be down/struggling for a short while. But if you make a priority of your wants over their needs, everybody, including you, will feel godawful for potentially a very long time indeed. If you have ever thought of yourself as somebody who would die for their children if needs be, then this is the time when you get to test the theories you hold about yourself as a mother. What price actual death if you aren't prepared to take on mere short term, emotional discomfort via the denial of pleasure, for the sake of avoiding an emotional bombshell dropped on their lives ?

Next time, do the avoidance and "punching it back down" at the first seedlings of a crush. It's far quicker and easier than chopping it back after you've been chucking gro-more at it for a few weeks.

You'll live. You have an infatuation and a tingle, not the romance plague grin And coming through the other side to the point when you realise just how much power you have over your own feelings (ie choosing not to whip them up into a frenzy, but knocking them back into order instead) is quite a revelation as to how much we control things we sometimes prefer to think of as having "just happened".

It's a power that can be used for making your life healthier and happier every bit as much as it can used for letting self off the hook by viewing actions as accidental rather than purely selfish. Knowing you can control how you react when you feel whatever it is you are feeling makes it much harder for anybody to make you feel helpless and held hostage by your emotions in the future.

As a pay off for the angst and irritation of losing the "I can't help it, twas BIG FEELINGS fault, not mine !" card .... it is worth every shred of effort involved in getting there.

wintersocks Tue 08-Dec-15 22:32:45

It's far easier to be in a fantasy romantic relationship than a real one, as you're not sitting with this bloke in your trackies mning while he's watching match of the day/deciding what's for tea/whose turn to do bathtime, etc. If you'd rather be divorced go for it and act decently and think it through. But it's unlikely to work out with this work person, who's not that decent if he wants to cheat on his dw anyway.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 08-Dec-15 22:35:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Robotgirl Tue 08-Dec-15 22:39:56

Atomik. Bloody brilliant advice.
OP, see above.

donajimena Tue 08-Dec-15 22:52:26

www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/marriage-support/the-ten-second-rule

Have a gander at this OP
Fab advice atomik

Seeyounearertime Tue 08-Dec-15 22:56:31

Atomik

You won Mumsnet, well done.

If someone had said that to my wife before her affair then maybe my previous post jdnt have happened.
(I will add that I'm glad it display out how it did, now I have the best GF I the world and a gorgeous DD)

Hopefullyoneday1 Tue 08-Dec-15 22:57:48

Midlife I'm not going to tell you to grow the fuck up, your a married woman with a crush, actually I like your openness.

We've all had crushes and feelings for other people that we shouldnt had and little fantasies, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Very rarely in fact.

He didn't kiss you, I say that is quite decent, most men would take it if offered. However he shouldn't be pushing for an answer about leaving your hubby, that's none of his business. Has he discussed leaving his partner, I would suspect not.

Keep it as a fantasy, try not to make it reality. I'm sure your crush will soon pass especially when you see him picking his nose, or farting smile

If it's really not going to work out with hubby then you need to end it by going about it properly.

megandmogatthezoo Wed 09-Dec-15 08:41:36

If you aren't happy chances are your DH isn't happy either. So tell him, as it is only fair that he gets to move on and explore other relationships too. Flirting with someone else while expecting him to remain faithful and oblivious is selfish disgusting behaviour. Own what you are doing for what it is.

IrianofWay Wed 09-Dec-15 11:25:25

Good stuff atomik!

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