ignored husband(13 Posts)
Im hoping by placing this on here and not on the "male orientated" forums that I might get some dialgoue as oppose to what appear to be very angry men who hate women responding to my situation!
I have been married for 4 years with 2 children. The last 3 years my wife has paid very little attention to me. I mean this is grandest sense but also in thew smallest of ways. Ive tried to understand because when you have children, I understand that priorities can change. But I feel theresa a line, a point where someone just simply stops trying and I cannot help that her behaviour is jsut a little too far.
I think its all just come home to me that I feel like I am just the bottom of her "to do" list. She has a Christmas party on Thursday....she inititally said I could come, but she forgot to buy me a ticket. Shes has since spent ages getting a dress... shes even took the afternoon off work to get her hair and make up done.
And I was left thinking "You have all the time to do this....but what about me when all I get is how you are too tired to focus on the kids birthday, or anything else here".
I recently had depression - and she was supportive. For the first weekend. After that, it was clear my illness was a hinderance. On my first day of sick leave i.e my first day on an antidepressant, first day I was worried and sick for the future, she phoned me at 11am from work telling me the nursery had called to tell her thechildren wasnt well, she asked me to pick them up from nursery and look aftere them. A week later, I had to cancel a mental health nurse appointment....because she "wouldnt be able to make it back from work on time". I was signed up to a course to help my mental health, but it meant she needed to leave half hour early so I could get to my course on time....which she did....for two weeks. then she started coming back later, and later, which after another two weeks she had totally forgot and was coming home later then before the course!! I dropped out, and she never even noticed, I just made some comment about it not working for me.
Birthdays or any special occasion are generally left to the last minute dash around TK Maxx or half hearted attempts - for example, last year she got me film for a camera I wanted....but didnt buy the camera. (It was also the wrong film, which might sound churlish...but Im thinking if she had bothered to think about it for a bit, it was blatenly obvious and not just a simple mistake when stacked up with everything else). The year before she gave me a birthday card, which she hadnt written anything in and an unwrapped present which I had already bought. Oh, I also had to drive 6 hours to her Parents party....and then drive the 6 hours back.
I thought this birthday would be different - for her brithday I took her away for the weekend away and organised everything plus more.....very similar to every other birthday she has had. It is a week until mine, and she hasnt done anything. I know this, because she said it to me and, well, shes not the one to organise "surprises". LAst year, I had to call my mum to get her to look afte the kids,m to go to a restauratn for lunch (which she ended up choosing) and then afterwards she dragged me round the shops looking for a coat for her.
Its even the small things. If theres a cup of tea to be made, I make it. If the children get up, im the one to go to them. If the dog is unwell, im the one to take her to the vet and give her the meds she needs. She never suggests "date nights" - I have to and its left to me to organise everything. Back rubs? Yep she asks for them all the time and does she reciprocate? No. Bedroom? Well, lets just say, one of us does all the work and Ive been made it clear that she doesnt feel the need to do anything to me/for me, and any underwear she buys is "not for me to enjoy". Which I get, but I dont even say anything...
Its all seems to be about giving the absolutle minimum effort she needs to give in order to "get away with it".
She works more then me and so I work hard at home to make sure she doesn't lift a finger....... . She wouldnt be able to tell you were the electricty meter is, because Im left to do all the bills. She even couldnt work the washing machine the other day....I wish I was joking, but thats how little she has to do. I dont mind this at all - I actually enjoy it. But I'd like it acknowledged!
Im trying really hard to understand - she spent two years at home with the children and shes got a great joba and thats going to mean she has that to focus on and the children. But I cant shake that I really am just bottom of the list - part of me thought when she took on this job 3 months ago that it wouild force her hand to be a bit more proactive iwth me....but things are jsut getting worse.
Whenever I talk to her about this ..."So Im an awful person"..."you are making me feel like an awful person". She will shout and get annoyed and I end up apologising for bringing it up. I dont know what to do. Help/.
This is a very tough one OP. I would say you need to sit her down properly and have a serious chat with her about it. I know you have done this and got the emotional blackmail back but that is (IMO) just her way of shutting down conversation and you need to be firm with her about it. You're not happy, and it's not fair. It may be she doesn't realise quite how bad the behaviour is but it sounds more than someone who is just frazzled with kids and work, she sounds quite uncaring re: your MH issues.
Do you have any external support? Family? Friends?
I think for one you should stop making her life easier in terms of housework. Work out with her what is fair for both and stick to your tasks.
As for reaching out, this could be a good time for counselling to see if you both can express your feelings to each other in a safe way, without feeling accused and without avoidance.
Point out to her that it's not working for you atm and that the way it's going it won't last much longer.
Oh, dear, Wolfie She sounds unbelievably selfish! You've related quite a few things here that demonstrate a quite spectacular lack of concern for, or even interest in, you as a person. Buying film for the camera you wanted - but not the camera - was almost cruel. The fact that it was the wrong film adds a bit of dark humour, but who wants a sick joke for their birthday?
Is there still good stuff in your marriage?
I agree with Lweji that you'll need to really lay things on the line - the marriage isn't working for you and you can consider counselling or call it a day.
Sorry you're putting up with this.
Making someone's life easier at your own expense is not a healthy choice, so stop it. There's an obvious imbalance which you aren't happy with but redressing it will require you to be more vocal and specific about your needs. She treats you poorly because she's lazy and you enable her.
OP, are you reluctant/fearful to really confront your wife in case she confirms her lack of appreciation and care for you, and the relationship ends? What position would that leave you in, emotionally and in practical terms? I feel for you, it's tough to feel so unappreciated.
You poor love. I agree that you need to have a very blunt conversation about how this is not working for you. I would even be thinking about separating at this point, unless she wakes up and makes a genuine commitment to the relationship. How would you both feel about couples counselling? It does only help if both parties are fully committed and one is not just going through the motions.
Don't threaten to separate unless you are genuinely willing to do it - she has to know that you are saying exactly what you mean and mean what you say.
I would start looking into the practicalities of separating, wrt children, money, housing. I'm not saying it will def come to this but it's better to be prepared and the reality might give her a proverbial kick up the arse.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated and cared for within your relationship. She needs to hear that.
I agree you need to sit her down re housework etc. She sounds quite controlling and when you bring things up with her there's no acknowledgement of wrong doing. But it sounds like you need to be more persistent as well.
She forgot to get you a ticket? Sounds like she didn't want to get you one, sorry. You need to figure out why.
This sounds really grim. As you have already talked to her and nothing changes, I am afraid to say that in your shoes, I would exit the relationship. The thing about the film (for the wrong camera), is ludicrous! I honestly think you would be happier alone. And who knows, you might meet someone lovely later on, who really appreciates you.
OK so RE housework, im ok with housework, I like doing it.
Its reassuring to know that im not totally off my rocker. Some of these things can seem so petty to worry about but to hear someone else say this is selfish it means a lot.
I have tried in the past saying "do you like me" i usually end up apologising. I get topld 2of course i do" and when I say I need more effort from you "things should be easy shouldnt they? I shouldnt have to do any of that stuff for you asd you should know it". Not sure how much truth there is in that, but from what I gather she wont be organising any dates soon.
Exiting is not a thing i could consider, i'd miss my children, i live for them. The counselling idea I think I will need to work on with her.
Thanks for your reassurance, knowing that im not just being over-sensitive helps a lot.
Why would 'exiting' cause you to miss your children? It seems their dm is more career driven and works longer hours than you and, as it appears that you're the one who's hands on with the dc and all of the household chores/organisation, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't be the one to leave the marital home.
I suggest you book a consultation with a solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law with a view to establishing whether it would be viable for you to be the primary carer of the dc with their dm having them overnight every other weekend, and possibly a night in the week, and for her to pay child maintenance.
That said, you seem to be incredibly passive about being taken for granted and put upon by your wife and it could be that if you arm yourself with a few legal facts and figures you'll be able to concentrate her mind on what she stands to lose if she continues to treat you in such a cavalier manner.
I'm afraid I would also consider leaving. It just doesn't sound as though she cares about you and that your value to her lies in your uselfullness and willingness to facilitate her life.
I'm sorry, but I'd also be suspicious as to why her works Christmas do is so important she needs time off work to get ready, but isn't so important that she remembered to get you a ticket.
You've been married for 4 years, it's been like this for 3. Is this really going to be it for the rest of your life?
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