Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Enjoying the slow ride

(14 Posts)
bridie69 Tue 08-Dec-15 06:34:29

Must seem like I am some kind of Pollyanna but it makes me sad to read all the negative stuff about suffering in relationships all the time on here. I have been mutually fancying (openly acknowledged) friends with my Irish friend since August and we've visited each other several times and constantly talk about what we want from our relationship. As we're living in different countries (we met on a weekend away in Spain) we agreed not to make this something exclusive and we'd talk to each other about anyone else that came into out lives. Slowly we've been getting closer and got to know each other quite well. Yes I know to be careful, yes I know it's unusual to be with someone only on the odd weekend yes I know there's a bit of an age gap (me 52 he 42) But this has just been part of a process for me of reawakening. I've got fitter than I've been for a while, got it touch with some neglected old friends and generally come alive again. I wasn't in such a good place even 12 months ago. So I just wanted to say things can be better even at an age a generation ago when I'd have been expected to be in a rocking chair knitting. My Irish friend is a very kind, warm, loving and empathetic man, bloody handsome, intelligent and has taken his time through good times and bad to build a proper life with proper people in it. So I suppose this is by way of balance. But I'd also really love to read any of your stories of successful relationships, even, or indeed especially,against the odds.

Cabrinha Tue 08-Dec-15 07:23:14

Yes, you do sound like Pollyanna. You say you constantly talk about what you want from a relationship but then you also post stuff about not being able to talk about staying over at his house. So which is it?

Cabrinha Tue 08-Dec-15 07:26:06

Frankly, every time you post hero worshipping this Irish guy I think it sounds like you do want a relationship with him, and you're not as happy a out this non exclusive situation as you say. If you're just friends, there's no relevance in posting about exclusivity.

Cabrinha Tue 08-Dec-15 07:27:18

He says he doesn't want an exclusive relationship, but you're posting wanting tales of successful relationships against the odds.
You always sound way more hopeful about this than him.

Cabrinha Tue 08-Dec-15 07:40:41

And now I feel guilty for being mean to Pollyanna!

But look, you call this "the slow ride". From what you post, I don't think you're on a ride at all (though possibly being taken for one?). You're at the station, train watching. Cos he's a train that's not going to depart!

I think you should accept and enjoy what you have with him as a FRIENDSHIP and cut him off if he talks about "mutually fancying" you. There's slow, and there's non starting.

I post not to be mean but because I can see you spending years on this slow ride and missing out on other opportunities. You'll say you're still looking elsewhere, but you won't be, properly, if you're hankering after this one.

I'll give you a positive story though:
My boyfriend, your age, like you widowed after a long marriage (20 years). Currently having a fabulous time dating me. Lots of time together, kissing, cuddling, talking about what we want, getting to know each other, lots of sex.

There isn't much of a "against all odds" element. Because most relationships are pretty simple. Be very careful about romanticising "against all odds" because that way can lie being dicked about by losers.

TooSassy Tue 08-Dec-15 08:00:37

OP.

Firstly people are not going to post on Mnet when they are in happy fulfilling relationships and wax lyrical about them. I certainly didn't when I was happily married. I'm here now because I'm trying to pick the pieces up.

So keep the negative stories in context. There are many happy happy relationships in the world.
I don't know your history (haven't seen your other threads) but I will say this. You're putting a lot of hope and expectation on this guy.

It's absolutely fabulous that your confidence has grown and you're in a better place. Use this confidence to meet new people and go on more dates. Remove the expectation. If this grows into something more then great. But what if it doesn't??

I'll tell you one thing about men (and women). If they are really into you, they'll do exclusive in a heartbeat after this length of dating. End of. There is no debate or discussion around this. Ask any guy for their honest view on this. (They are also more likely to do exclusive if they think there is a risk of you meeting someone else).

Listen, for what it's done for you personally, this guy sounds great. Move forward.

TopOfTheCliff Tue 08-Dec-15 09:13:27

I'm not quite sure from your rather vague post whether you have DTD with this Irish paragon or not. How happy are you about the non-exclusive aspect? That would bother me if I was sleeping with him.
I am a few years older than you and wouldn't feel grateful that at my advanced age a man was prepared to offer me such a half-hearted affair. Now you are feeling fitter and fabulous go out there and find a man who wants a proper relationship!

TheGirlFromIpanema Tue 08-Dec-15 14:22:52

I don't know any backstory here but going from your post on its own I am wondering why you posted it confused

In a nice way I wonder who exactly agreed to not being exclusive? Because that alone (unless you really seriously agree and don't mind) is a weirdy red flag to me.

It doesn't sound as though you are offering a 'nice' story to help counter-balance the terrible shit some mn'ers go through me included a few years ago it sounds as though you aren't really sure yourself if this 'relationship' is in fact a relationship or not.

Imo, from what you've written here, its not. Sassy is spot on, and exclusivity is just how it is when two people really do connect. I say that as someone who is in a new ldr too.

Handywoman Tue 08-Dec-15 14:39:55

Another one with a sense of deja vu reading again about this Irish paragon. Can't believe you are still no further on! It's been months!

Good for you though if it's doing all the right things and you are feeling good.

smile

In on date 4 with a nice seeming chap I'll get my coat any good??

sinber Tue 08-Dec-15 15:02:01

Any news on the neighbour you thought was too nice to be straight?

ILiveAtTheBeach Tue 08-Dec-15 18:29:38

IME, if a guy really likes you, he asks you to be exclusive pretty early on. My DH asked on date 2, he was very eager to get that sorted. And that was great for me, as I knew exactly where I stood.

But good for you, if seeing each other is ok. But how would you feel, if you found out he was sleeping with someone in Ireland? He's 42 and likely to be needing/wanting regular sex.

bridie69 Tue 08-Dec-15 18:42:39

I don't think I have expressed myself in the way I wanted to so I am going to take some time out from posting on here and do some rl stuff. All the best.

Whenischristmas Tue 08-Dec-15 19:23:26

That's a shame op. I don't know if you're still reading but I think some of the replies are really harsh.

Having said that, are you sure you are both after the same things? Why is he keeping you at a distance as if you are just a friend? Where is the passion and excitement and the sex that you would expect at this stage of a new relationship?

Cabrinha Wed 09-Dec-15 10:43:48

Flouncing is a bit pointless.

It's a bit odd to post about this relationship by way of balance, when this relationship has caused you to post questions here!

The balance is all the people who don't have to post because, lucky them, they're in good relationships. Not just luck of course - sometimes with effort.

You obviously need to talk about this man - so why not carry on posting? No need up flounce because this post wasn't received in the way you wanted it to be!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now