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He cheats, but I am the one who gets cut off (not recent, but still I don't get it)

(8 Posts)
ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 07-Dec-15 22:26:40

ExH cheated on me our whole relationship. We were together 20 years. I had no fucking clue, until his mate told me. It turned out that ExH had tried it on with every single female in our friendship group. Tried to fondle and snog them etc. One night his mate told me, as he was annoyed that ExH had tried to seduce his wife. Well, I was devastated! His mate told me he'd been the same with all the other women in the group. So I asked all my mates and they confirmed it.

I am annoyed no-one told me, but can understand they didn't want to rock the boat.

Oh, and he shagged by BF as well.

What I really don't get, is this:

1) His whole family know what he did, but when I left him (after 4 years of trying to get past it), they cut all contact. Have never seen or heard from them since. Their stance is "Well he had a bit of fun, but you broke up a family" (worse sin)

2) All our mutual friends still love him to bits. None of the husbands (bar the one who told me) hold any grudge that he tried to get into their wives knickers.

Is this not bloody weird? This fuels his argument that it was all a bit of slap and tickle. He tried to shag them all. FFS.

Not a massive issue now as I've moved on and remarried, but I'll never ever get my head around these bizarre reactions from my friends and my Ex Family in laws.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 07-Dec-15 22:37:04

1) They're HIS family. Your actions caused them embarrassment (well actually it was his hand forcing your action but easier to blame you). His actions didn't! Look at your own DC what things could they do to make you cut them off?

It sucks but thats where the blood thicker than water thing comes from.

2) The men are, in the main, flattered that he found their wives attractive and didn't get anywhere - a sort of ego boost. They were your friends with the knowledge of his behaviour. Whilst it was a shock to you for them it was always part and parcel of the deal.

In similar circumstances it took me a while to get my head around lack of reaction from mutual friends but then I realised they weren't surprised by the cheating because he'd tried it on before. I've put more space between myself and those friends now, different moral compass lets say. I wouldn't stay friends or socialise with a bloke who kept trying it on knowing i was married.

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 07-Dec-15 22:42:23

Thanks for the reply. Aren't some men dicks, lol x

sakura Mon 07-Dec-15 23:17:20

I will probably get flamed for saying this but well: people are all too eager to let men off the hook whilst at the same time regarding women as then makers of their own misfortune.

"Misogyny" sounds like too strong a term to describe what appears to be accidental. "Perhaps I'm just not as likable as him as a person? Perhaps that's why all our friends have taken his side?"
"Perhaps these people don' t know the whole story " etc
But when you take a good look it really does boil down to people wanting the woman to be in the wrong. Somehow.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 08-Dec-15 06:26:19

sakura I think there is some truth in what you say.

Beach My exh and his family consider me to be the one who caused our marriage to fail because I kicked him out when I discovered his affair. Apparently he had no intention of leaving, but I was the one who told him to so it is my fault. Like it's my fault he cheated in the first place...

As for the other point, I agree that a lot of men will see his attempts weren't successful so it puts them in a stronger position in their Man hierachy. Ergo, no harm done.

And yes, some men are dicks!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 08-Dec-15 06:46:37

I do know of people where the "sinner" is the one who was ostracised from the family as the cheating spouse, even though they were the biological child - but it's rare. Mostly because, as Mis said, it takes a lot to cut off your own son/daughter.

Most decent people do try and maintain some contact with the ex if there are children involved, and they are the RP, because most decent people want to maintain some contact with the children of the union - but not all.

And yes, then there is the whole "he was only having a bit of fun, why did you take it so seriously and break up the family?" bollocks. You should have put up and shut up as so many generations of women have done in the past, obviously. Thus proving that female emancipation is still largely entrenched in the shackles of the past, where they did just put up and shut up because they almost certainly had no choice.

The friends - well, they're just shit. He's a "bit of a lad", you're the "miserable home-breaker" - which just shows all you need to know about the mentality of the friends and why you don't really need them as friends - get some who are rather more evolved.

ILiveAtTheBeach Tue 08-Dec-15 12:02:02

Some really interesting replies, thank you! I guess I'll never get it. His family (parents and siblings) have not spoken to me once since we split. Not one word. Even though they know he had multiple affairs and that's why I left. Even though we'd been close for 20 years. I still think about it, because I know we will all have to face each other at DC's weddings in a few years. It's going to be so awkward. I'm angry with them and won't be able to speak to them for the "sake of the day".

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 08-Dec-15 12:23:12

Have they actively ignored you or not actively contacted you and made an effort with you?

The two are subtle when written but significant psychologically.

To actively ignore is rude, hurtful even, plain and simple.

To feel awkward and allow time to pass without making an active effort to get in touch is something else. I know there have been relationships with people that have slid and i've ment to keep going. I've mentally penned letters that don't get written, missplaced addresses then felt time has passed and almost been embarrassed to get in touch.

There can be a guilt by association when a family member has behaved badly or is it even possible that any of them feel you have snubbed them and ceased contact?

Do you do Christmas cards? If so would it be something you could consider to send a few out with a photo of the DC, your contact details and address - time has passed. Its not in any way an acceptance of any wrong doing on your part, it would be a simple I'm still a moral person and we are tied by blood by these wonderful not so little people and our paths will cross again so lets try to ensure theres no frost when they do.

The anger you feel holds you back. Releasing it by keeping the uperhand and making contact might enable you to move on.

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