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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

bisexual boyfriend

57 replies

harrietm87 · 07/12/2015 20:38

I've been with my lovely bf for 5 years. We are both 29 and recently bought a flat together.
Everything is great and we've been talking about getting married and starting a family next year.
Only problem is he has always been open about the fact that he is bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He has never had a sexual experience with a man however.
Now that we're planning our future I've started to panic that he will have regrets that he never experienced this side of himself and that he might leave me or cheat. He assures me that he would never do that and wants to be with me. I know I can't predict the future but there's a foreseeable problem here that just won't arise for most people. I'm seriously thinking about whether I should break up with him and find someone less complicated. But I love him so much. What would you do?

OP posts:

Report

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 07/12/2015 20:47

I'd get my head out of my are.

Bisexual people don't by title cheat. That's biphobia - if you love him, you accept him, all of him. Do you get paranoid about a straight partner cheating on you with another woman? If not, allow him the same courtesy. There are millions of bisexual people throughout the world in monogamous, fantastic relationships.

"Someone less complicated"? Actually, maybe you should break up with him. He deserves better.

harrietm87 · 07/12/2015 20:56

Harsh but good to hear! It's only because I know he has never acted on his attraction to men and part of me worries that if he did he might prefer it. But if I'm being an idiot then say so.

OP posts:

Fratelli · 07/12/2015 21:00

This annoys me no end! I'm bisexual and people seem to think either we can't be faithful or we must be having loads of threesomes

If you think he would cheat be it with a man or woman do both yourselves a favour and end it.

DeltaZeta · 07/12/2015 21:00

I'm bisexual. Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than anyone else.

I really rather resent the implication that bisexuals are promiscuous and incapable of monogamy. I've never cheated and would be devastated if a partner didn't trust me purely as a result of my sexuality.

DeltaZeta · 07/12/2015 21:02

But if you can't handle who he is, as a result of your own prejudice, then do him a favour and break up with him.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 07/12/2015 21:02

Yes, you're being an idiot

Bisexuality doesn't work like that. It isn't an experimental thing, it isn't like being 'half straight, half gay'. It is a sexuality of itself - he is attracted to men and women. That doesn't mean he's attracted to every single person out there. The risks of him cheating depends on him as a person, not on his sexuality.

Saying you're worried he might prefer men is kind of the same as saying "I'm blonde but what if he prefers red heads?".

Does that help a bit? :)

UmbongoUnchained · 07/12/2015 21:02

Perfectlypurple · 07/12/2015 21:03

I don't think the op was saying bi sexual equals cheater. Her concern, I think is that despite being bi sexual he has never been with a man and is worried that he will regret never having that experience.

PushingThru · 07/12/2015 21:06

But surely to a bisexual person the 'experience' wouldn't be necessarily very different.

harrietm87 · 07/12/2015 21:07

Thanks for the responses. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I also don't want him to regret settling down with me without fully exploring his sexuality. I would have the same concerns if he was a straight man who had never slept with any other women - just don't want him to wake up one day and think he missed out on chance to truly find out what he wants. All I can do is trust him I guess.
Thanks for your responses

OP posts:

DeltaZeta · 07/12/2015 21:09

I think is that despite being bi sexual he has never been with a man and is worried that he will regret never having that experience.

But he is committed to the OP and has assured her that he doesn't feel like that.

PushingThru · 07/12/2015 21:11

He's chosen you from a theoretically wider pool of partners, that's all.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 21:18

I can totally see your concerns. You haven't said that Bisexual people cheat more, so I don't know why people are inferring that. I too would be concerned that he had a desire that I could never fulfill. And that whilst that might be ok now, how will he feel 10/20 years from now?

Elf you are rude. She's not an idiot at all. Just stop it.

Personally, I could not be with bisexual man, not just for this reason, but because it would be a big turn off for me, to think that he was attracted to men. I will probably get flamed for that, because nowadays we all have to like everyone or we are not being PC. But that's not real life I'm afraid.

DeltaZeta · 07/12/2015 21:21

Did you actually read the OP, Beach? She asked if she was being an idiot. Elf lightheadedly said that she was.

Thanks so much for your biphobic contribution to the thread though.

pocketsaviour · 07/12/2015 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 07/12/2015 21:26

If you don't trust someone to still love you in X amount of time, you're not in a place to be a relationship. You could say what if my very straight husband fancies a younger woman in ten years, or what if a committed relationship just doesn't work? Fuck all to do with bisexual.

Seeyounearertime · 07/12/2015 21:33

Hm interesting OP

If he was heterosexual would you be equally worried that he hadn't experienced sex with a Japanese woman? A female Russian shotputter? A 60 year old professional dominatrix from Pontefract?

QueenChippyOik · 07/12/2015 21:42

This isn't a fashionable view but I would hate it because every body is potentially somebody he could fall for. With a straight person, they're potentially attracted to 50% of the population but in theory a bisexual person is going to be open to being attracted to so many more people.

I think it's OK for you to think about it from your perspective. How does it make you feel? Threatened? Confused? like MORE trust would be required? worried he might be twice as likely to be bored? Worried there's going to be a side of him that isn't met?

It's OK to have your own perspective in my view. It's not about being biphobic as a pp said.

If you're a couple it's not ALL about him and the onus isn't 100% on you here to PROVE that you're not biphobic. You're entitled to have doubts, fears, concerns and they shouldn't be invalidated with accusations of ''biphobia''.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 21:44

pocketsaviour So, I am a Cunt because I wouldn't date a guy who was Bi? Wow! That's my choice is it not? It would be a turn off for me. In the same way than Moobs would be, or a hairy back. My choice. Look at how aggravated you are? Wow. FYI, I also wouldn't date someone obese, short or blonde, because that's not what I find attractive. Is that not allowed in this "PC" world that we live in? Bloody hell. How rude are some people on here? When did you last call someone a Cunt in real life, just because they didn't agree with you?

whostheJohnsonnow · 07/12/2015 21:47

My boyfriend is bi and I have to confess it does make me slightly more paranoid. In my darkest moments I feel like I have the entire population to contend with, not just half of it.

However your bf loves you and is committed to you. It would be foolish indeed to throw that away for a theoretical situation that may never even happen.

If someone is going to cheat then they will cheat. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

Feel free to PM if you like OP

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 21:53

DeltaZeta I am not Biphobic. I have friends who are Bi. It's fine. But it wouldn't float my boat. Can I call you Obesephobic if you don't fancy men who are 30 stone? That's just being silly.

QueenChippyOik · 07/12/2015 22:02

yes, it's completely ridiculous to invalidate the feelings of one half of a couple.

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QueenChippyOik · 07/12/2015 22:04

Iliveathtebeach, well I agree with you. I'd rather date a short straight bloke than a bisexual bloke. But I've seen threads 17 pages long where 3/4s of the women wouldn't date a short bloke and that's fine .

Plenty of men won't date me! They are fortysomethingphobics. The cunts.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 07/12/2015 22:07

"I can't be racist I have POC friends!"

And straight people are not attracted to 50% of the population. You're attracted to every single man? No. Just likje a bi individual isn't attracted to every man and woman.

Not understanding how bisexuality works is fine, but you have to accept the hetronaritive the world we live in has. So yes, it is biphobic to presume a bisexual person has a higher risk of cheating.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 22:10

queenchippy We all have our ideal type don't we? But some people on MN just flame you, if you have any opinions at all! Then they twist it that you hate that type of person? I don't dislike gay or Bi's, I have mates that are and I love them to bits, but for my DH I wouldn't like it. And that's all. In the same way that if he put on 10 stone, I'd be like "er, not liking this". Sigh. And I'm 40 something too, ha ha x

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