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bisexual boyfriend

(58 Posts)
harrietm87 Mon 07-Dec-15 20:38:35

I've been with my lovely bf for 5 years. We are both 29 and recently bought a flat together.
Everything is great and we've been talking about getting married and starting a family next year.
Only problem is he has always been open about the fact that he is bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He has never had a sexual experience with a man however.
Now that we're planning our future I've started to panic that he will have regrets that he never experienced this side of himself and that he might leave me or cheat. He assures me that he would never do that and wants to be with me. I know I can't predict the future but there's a foreseeable problem here that just won't arise for most people. I'm seriously thinking about whether I should break up with him and find someone less complicated. But I love him so much. What would you do?

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Mon 07-Dec-15 20:47:23

I'd get my head out of my are.

Bisexual people don't by title cheat. That's biphobia - if you love him, you accept him, all of him. Do you get paranoid about a straight partner cheating on you with another woman? If not, allow him the same courtesy. There are millions of bisexual people throughout the world in monogamous, fantastic relationships.

"Someone less complicated"? Actually, maybe you should break up with him. He deserves better.

harrietm87 Mon 07-Dec-15 20:56:09

Harsh but good to hear! It's only because I know he has never acted on his attraction to men and part of me worries that if he did he might prefer it. But if I'm being an idiot then say so.

Fratelli Mon 07-Dec-15 21:00:34

This annoys me no end! I'm bisexual and people seem to think either we can't be faithful or we must be having loads of threesomes hmm

If you think he would cheat be it with a man or woman do both yourselves a favour and end it.

DeltaZeta Mon 07-Dec-15 21:00:59

I'm bisexual. Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than anyone else.

I really rather resent the implication that bisexuals are promiscuous and incapable of monogamy. I've never cheated and would be devastated if a partner didn't trust me purely as a result of my sexuality.

DeltaZeta Mon 07-Dec-15 21:02:09

But if you can't handle who he is, as a result of your own prejudice, then do him a favour and break up with him.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Mon 07-Dec-15 21:02:26

Yes, you're being an idiot wink

Bisexuality doesn't work like that. It isn't an experimental thing, it isn't like being 'half straight, half gay'. It is a sexuality of itself - he is attracted to men and women. That doesn't mean he's attracted to every single person out there. The risks of him cheating depends on him as a person, not on his sexuality.

Saying you're worried he might prefer men is kind of the same as saying "I'm blonde but what if he prefers red heads?".

Does that help a bit? smile

UmbongoUnchained Mon 07-Dec-15 21:02:39


Perfectlypurple Mon 07-Dec-15 21:03:37

I don't think the op was saying bi sexual equals cheater. Her concern, I think is that despite being bi sexual he has never been with a man and is worried that he will regret never having that experience.

PushingThru Mon 07-Dec-15 21:06:51

But surely to a bisexual person the 'experience' wouldn't be necessarily very different.

harrietm87 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:07:59

Thanks for the responses. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I also don't want him to regret settling down with me without fully exploring his sexuality. I would have the same concerns if he was a straight man who had never slept with any other women - just don't want him to wake up one day and think he missed out on chance to truly find out what he wants. All I can do is trust him I guess.
Thanks for your responses smile

DeltaZeta Mon 07-Dec-15 21:09:08

I think is that despite being bi sexual he has never been with a man and is worried that he will regret never having that experience.

But he is committed to the OP and has assured her that he doesn't feel like that.

PushingThru Mon 07-Dec-15 21:11:41

He's chosen you from a theoretically wider pool of partners, that's all. smile

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 07-Dec-15 21:18:15

I can totally see your concerns. You haven't said that Bisexual people cheat more, so I don't know why people are inferring that. I too would be concerned that he had a desire that I could never fulfill. And that whilst that might be ok now, how will he feel 10/20 years from now?

Elf you are rude. She's not an idiot at all. Just stop it.

Personally, I could not be with bisexual man, not just for this reason, but because it would be a big turn off for me, to think that he was attracted to men. I will probably get flamed for that, because nowadays we all have to like everyone or we are not being PC. But that's not real life I'm afraid.

DeltaZeta Mon 07-Dec-15 21:21:33

Did you actually read the OP, Beach? She asked if she was being an idiot. Elf lightheadedly said that she was.

Thanks so much for your biphobic contribution to the thread though.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Dec-15 21:25:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Mon 07-Dec-15 21:26:38

If you don't trust someone to still love you in X amount of time, you're not in a place to be a relationship. You could say what if my very straight husband fancies a younger woman in ten years, or what if a committed relationship just doesn't work? Fuck all to do with bisexual.

Seeyounearertime Mon 07-Dec-15 21:33:55

Hm interesting OP

If he was heterosexual would you be equally worried that he hadn't experienced sex with a Japanese woman? A female Russian shotputter? A 60 year old professional dominatrix from Pontefract?

QueenChippyOik Mon 07-Dec-15 21:42:22

This isn't a fashionable view but I would hate it because every body is potentially somebody he could fall for. With a straight person, they're potentially attracted to 50% of the population but in theory a bisexual person is going to be open to being attracted to so many more people.

I think it's OK for you to think about it from your perspective. How does it make you feel? Threatened? Confused? like MORE trust would be required? worried he might be twice as likely to be bored? Worried there's going to be a side of him that isn't met?

It's OK to have your own perspective in my view. It's not about being biphobic as a pp said.

If you're a couple it's not ALL about him and the onus isn't 100% on you here to PROVE that you're not biphobic. You're entitled to have doubts, fears, concerns and they shouldn't be invalidated with accusations of ''biphobia''.

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 07-Dec-15 21:44:49

pocketsaviour So, I am a Cunt because I wouldn't date a guy who was Bi? Wow! That's my choice is it not? It would be a turn off for me. In the same way than Moobs would be, or a hairy back. My choice. Look at how aggravated you are? Wow. FYI, I also wouldn't date someone obese, short or blonde, because that's not what I find attractive. Is that not allowed in this "PC" world that we live in? Bloody hell. How rude are some people on here? When did you last call someone a Cunt in real life, just because they didn't agree with you?

whostheJohnsonnow Mon 07-Dec-15 21:47:51

My boyfriend is bi and I have to confess it does make me slightly more paranoid. In my darkest moments I feel like I have the entire population to contend with, not just half of it.

However your bf loves you and is committed to you. It would be foolish indeed to throw that away for a theoretical situation that may never even happen.

If someone is going to cheat then they will cheat. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

Feel free to PM if you like OPsmile

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 07-Dec-15 21:53:21

DeltaZeta I am not Biphobic. I have friends who are Bi. It's fine. But it wouldn't float my boat. Can I call you Obesephobic if you don't fancy men who are 30 stone? That's just being silly.

QueenChippyOik Mon 07-Dec-15 22:02:38

yes, it's completely ridiculous to invalidate the feelings of one half of a couple.

QueenChippyOik Mon 07-Dec-15 22:04:58

Iliveathtebeach, well I agree with you. I'd rather date a short straight bloke than a bisexual bloke. But I've seen threads 17 pages long where 3/4s of the women wouldn't date a short bloke and that's fine .

Plenty of men won't date me! They are fortysomethingphobics. The cunts.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Mon 07-Dec-15 22:07:16

"I can't be racist I have POC friends!"

And straight people are not attracted to 50% of the population. You're attracted to every single man? No. Just likje a bi individual isn't attracted to every man and woman.

Not understanding how bisexuality works is fine, but you have to accept the hetronaritive the world we live in has. So yes, it is biphobic to presume a bisexual person has a higher risk of cheating.

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