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Bad Break Up

(50 Posts)
Tpc90 Mon 07-Dec-15 20:16:27

Hi there, new to the forum as I'm really struggling with my current situation.

So 2 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. It was such a tough decision, however, there were some underlying problems that I wasn't dealing with very well. I won't go into too much detail because I want to be dignified but we had big callings out when we were socialising with friends and drink was involved. I almost always had to pick up the pieces and inevitably say sorry. Not saying it was all her fault but my friends and family could see it was having an effect on me.

We got back from a dream holiday in America, however there was a drunken incident which ended up with her in hospital. This for me was not only very scary but the beginning of the end. I felt distant from her for the final few days of the holiday. I couldn't get my thoughts together. I loved the girl with all my heart but I wasn't sure I could keep taking this hurt. I didn't speak to anyone and even though mine and hers family were very supportive towards me I decided I needed space. I said to her I needed to clear my head and be alone for a bit, I wished her well in whatever she wanted to achieve in life. I didn't want to hold her back. In my heart I was devastated I couldn't help her but in my mind I knew I had to think of myself also.

2 weeks past and I was beginning to get my feelings in check. I missed her so much, I hadn't spoken to her nor put anything on social media as to rub it in her face I was single. I then heard some details from a friend that she had slept around.. It hit me like a train. I got in contact with her over that weekend and I broke down for the first time in my life. She invited me round to talk things out and she told me all the details about who she had slept with and that she was seeing someone. This is now the new relationship. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I had in mind to patch things up with her before hearing all the details but I was devastated.

2 months had past now and I'm living in regret and thinking what might have been. If only I had talked to people or got counselling to understand what she was going through. We've had on off contact and met up once. She's now blocked me from everything. I think it's so she doesn't keep looking back and bringing up memories of us.

Sorry for the long post but any help would be so grateful.

pieceofpurplesky Mon 07-Dec-15 20:20:27

What sort of drunken incidents and why inevitable my apologise?

Tpc90 Mon 07-Dec-15 20:28:57

Drinking to excess, arguing over little things then blowing up about them, running away from the situation etc. don't get me wrong this wasn't all the time, but the times when it did happen it just kept grinding me down. She fell out with friends and each time it was always drama.

I apologised because I wanted things to be right. I loved mostly everything else about our relationship but these drunken outbursts were making it toxic.

Suddenlyseymour Mon 07-Dec-15 20:33:08

Sorry OP, it's not clear who was having these " outbursts"? Your ex? And how did she end up in hospital? It sounds all rather traumatic

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Dec-15 20:34:33

You were together a relatively long time - I'm assuming you're not more than late twenties/early thirties. It takes time to get over a relationship of that length, even when you're the one who's called a halt.

For her to then bang someone else 2 weeks after you pulled the plug, and then to invite you round so she could rub your face in it, only confirms to me that you made the right choice. This woman is unstable, volatile, has drinking problems and a cruel streak. Not only that but she has taken your 3-year relationship and basically done a shit on it and said "I don't give a fuck about you, you meant nothing to me."

That's probably bluster of course, and she's just showing that cruel streak. But it doesn't make it any less painful for you. I know it's a cliche, but time does heal, and it will get easier. Someone once told me that for every year of a relationship, take that in months and double it, and that's the time when you can expect to feel better. So for three years, that would take 6 months until you really feel like you're back on form and no longer grieving the relationship.

In the meantime I'd say block her on anything you've still got access to, delete (or at least remove from view) any photos etc on your phone or Facebook, old texts, cards, etc. You don't have to throw them away right now, but put them all in a box (either a real one, or a hidden folder on your phone/computer) where they can sit out of sight, quietly gathering dust, until one day you can come across them and go "Oh, X's photos/cards/whatever. Oh well. Might as well chuck them out."

Try to make more effort to get out and do things with your friends - being around other people is a good thing at times like this, I think. Good luck flowers

Tpc90 Mon 07-Dec-15 20:47:53

She would more often than not have an outburst at me. Worst time was when I had a few friends and their partners over for drinks and she went off on one and slapped me then ran off. We patched things up but that was only a couple months before the holiday. I wanted things to work so bad but I knew if something else happened, I didn't even know how I would react! The fact the next time she ended up in hospital just left me in shock and questioning myself at what I was doing wrong.

Thank you pocketsaviour. Yes I'm mid twenties and this was my first serious relationship. She said I was cold in the break up (we actually ended it mutually to be fair and I wasn't bitter) and she can't forgive me for that. Even after all she's done I'd still forgive her and work on things with her. I don't think that's me being a mug, I think that's someone who's willing to learn from mistakes and give it another go. I believe in second chances and I don't hold grudges. Anyway, I know that's all gone now because she's had to be brutal with me and say she's got strong feelings for this other guy. It does feel like those 3 years have just disappeared..

SongBird16 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:08:54

She sounds like a nightmare and everything you've said here just confirms that you were right to end it.

You don't sound like someone who ended the relationship on a whim, you sound like you really thought about it, and you had good reasons - although you're just beginning to doubt these as loneliness kicks in.

What you're feeling now is perfectly normal - to wonder whether you did the right thing, to wonder whether you could've done more to make it work, to be jealous of your ex's new relationship.

Basically you're beginning to think that that bad relationship was better than no relationship, but it really wasn't.

The speed with which she's formed a strong attachment to the new guy suggests you wouldn't have gone the distance anyway.

Be dignified and move on.

Tpc90 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:26:40

I don't know why I'm making excuses for her, maybe it's because I still care and love her. It was like being on an emotional roller coaster sometimes. I know she had gone through a lot, she had a great family supporting her but she wasn't stable. I feel like I let her down, I was her rock and her world. She was my world too.

I feel a bit lost, alone and thrown away. Probably what she was going through in that first week. I'm now being punished for it.

bjrce Mon 07-Dec-15 22:29:38

Listen op,
Of course you still care about her, why wouldn't you, you've been together 3 years.
She does sound quite bitter about how it all ended. The fact that she told you she cared about this new guy is very obvious that she's angry with you about the break up and is obviously trying to be hurtful to you. It's v obvious to an outsider ( older too).
For all the kind things you say about her and obviously loved her, you are very young and I'm thr long term you did the right thing breaking up with her. Reading between the lines, she does appear to have quite serious problems with alcohol and perhaps highly strung. This in a long-term relationship will be extremely stressful and adding children to the mix, receipe for disaster.
Look, take time for yourself to grieve the end of this relationship, but its not for you to worry about her in the future. Look after yourself.

MaudGonneMad Mon 07-Dec-15 22:32:14

She ended up in hospital? How? Did you hurt her?

Tpc90 Tue 08-Dec-15 08:03:41

Well she was single but is that normal behavior to go out and sleep with 2 people then start seeing someone within a week of the break up? Even when I went to hers to talk, of course I still loved her but I was in shock at what she'd done.

We were in a club and she had too much to drink. I took her to the bar to sober up with a glass of water, she then started an argument with these girls, I had to apologise and stop her from being beaten up! So I took her to one side and said "you're too drunk again, we're going to have to call a taxi!" next moment she walks outside and collapses, hitting her head on the concrete. I immediately rush to her side but by then bouncers had surrounded the situation and were telling people to back off. I told them I was her bf so was allowed to stay. She had to stay in the hospital til the next day, I didn't get back to the hotel from the hospital til around 9am as I wasn't allowed to see her.

Penfold007 Tue 08-Dec-15 08:15:59

OP I accept that you are distressed at the moment but I think you've had a lucky escape. Your EX has a problem with alcohol, is abusive and violent.

AugustMoon Tue 08-Dec-15 08:31:14

Few things not adding up...
The night of the hospital incident... So you didn't push her? Why were you questioning what you were doing wrong then? Why were you not allowed to see her?
Also what exactly were you apologising for when you said you always ended up apologising?
Did you finish things with her to call her bluff?
Was she actually 'sleeping around' or is it just the one guy? Who may have been on the fringes a while...
Do you think you might be kidding yourself that she blocked you from facebook etc so she couldn't look back at memories? Maybe she blocked you for other reasons?
Im sorry to be cynical, yes its probably prejudiced. Just dont fully understand specifically what she did to hurt you (prior to hooking up with the other fella)
I'm also assumimg you were also drinking? The nighy she slapped you... not condoning it at all... But what was the lead-up? Was she annoyed you had your mates round? Were you treating her well?
E

pocketsaviour Tue 08-Dec-15 08:36:27

is that normal behavior to go out and sleep with 2 people then start seeing someone within a week of the break up?

I wouldn't say it's unheard of - it's called "rebound" and I'm sure you've heard of it - but it's not what most mature and emotionally healthy people would do, no.

She definitely has an alcohol problem and you are well out of this. Beware - if she comes crawling back at some stage, the only way you should accept any protestations of having changed things is if she's started a counselling program or similar to address her issues. HER issues. I'm sure you have issues as well, nobody is perfect, but her alcohol abuse is a massive red flag.

pocketsaviour Tue 08-Dec-15 08:39:13

And fucking hell August, that's a hell of a leap. Why on earth would you assume he pushed her?? OP comes across as a classic fixer. How many times have we seen women post on here "My H drinks too much and injures himself/me, what am I doing wrong, how can I save him?" At least once a week, sadly sad

Groovee Tue 08-Dec-15 08:47:02

Getting over a relationship break up can take quite a bit of time. I think you are still in the early stages. But it does sound like you are better off without her and her alcohol issues. Nasty drunks are horrendous to live with and it brings you stress that you found hard.

Just take each day at a time and one day you will realise what is for you won't go past you X

Amazemedontbeacunt Tue 08-Dec-15 08:48:51

August if I've read it right OP ends up apologising to his friends and family for her behaviour not apologising to ex gf for his behaviour.

I'm sorry for you OP and hope the advice you get helps flowers

blytheandsebastian Tue 08-Dec-15 08:53:55

She doesn't sound in a good place for a life giving, stable relationship. It is very painful to let someone go, but much the best thing when this is the case. Moving on quickly is clearly just one of those things and she does sound volatile-it doesn't mean anything about how she felt about you, believe it or not.

In times to come, you'll look back and feel relief that you're no longer in this relationship, controlled by someone else's issues, watching everything happen like a car crash but unable to make changes. You did the sensible thing and in time, your heart will catch up with your head. No amount of counseling for you could have helped her; she's clearly not ready to change. Let some time pass and you'll feel better about all this, I promise.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 08-Dec-15 09:13:59

You may not think so currently but I think you've had a lucky escape re your ex. She is an ex now for good reason.

I would read up on alcoholism and co-dependent behaviours and see how much of that resonates with your own experience of this relationship. Drama and chaos are part and parcel of a relationship with an alcoholic; this has lurched perhaps really from one crisis to another. Its been a bruising experience.

Your ex gf sounds like she has a serious problem with alcohol. Do you think now looking back on this that she is an alcoholic?.

Isetan Tue 08-Dec-15 09:19:06

I get that you love her but she obviously doesn't feel the same and that's a hard pill to swallow. Being the third wheel to alcohol is no joke and if you had stayed, the imbalance would've become more apparent. Your responsibility began an ended with limiting your exposure to her.

Hang in there, it will get better.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 08-Dec-15 09:22:04

"I don't know why I'm making excuses for her, maybe it's because I still care and love her. It was like being on an emotional roller coaster sometimes. I know she had gone through a lot, she had a great family supporting her but she wasn't stable. I feel like I let her down, I was her rock and her world. She was my world too".

You have NOT let her down. You are not responsible for her and never have been either, she was never yours to rescue and or save. What might have been would have infact been more of the same; she getting drunk on any social occasion and you picking up the pieces from her drunken behaviours.

The only person who can help her is her own self. If she does not want help then no-one can actually change her own mindset. Its a harsh lesson that I hope you have now learnt, you have certainly had your fingers burned.

Do read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that resonates with your own experience. There are often co-dependency issues as well in relationships where alcohol is a factor.

Tpc90 Tue 08-Dec-15 09:33:27

August,

The night of the hospital incident... So you didn't push her? Why were you questioning what you were doing wrong then? Why were you not allowed to see her?
Also what exactly were you apologising for when you said you always ended up apologising?
Did you finish things with her to call her bluff?
Was she actually 'sleeping around' or is it just the one guy? Who may have been on the fringes a while...
Do you think you might be kidding yourself that she blocked you from facebook etc so she couldn't look back at memories? Maybe she blocked you for other reasons?
Im sorry to be cynical, yes its probably prejudiced. Just dont fully understand specifically what she did to hurt you (prior to hooking up with the other fella)
I'm also assumimg you were also drinking? The nighy she slapped you... not condoning it at all... But what was the lead-up? Was she annoyed you had your mates round? Were you treating her well?

So hospital incident. No i did not push her, she was stumbling around all over the place, we went outside and she was leaning against a wall (this was in a vegas club so outside was by the pool area which was still busy), I thought she'd be ok there, spoke to a couple friends saying we were leaving, next thing I know she's fallen over and hit her head on the floor. I was questioning myself as to why I hadn't seen the warning signs and told her to stop drinking or start drinking water. She was my girlfriend/best friend so she was my responsibility to a certain extent. I felt guilty because she was on anti-depressants, she was drinking but just wanted to be normal and have a good time. I should have been more responsible. Whenever I was apologising I was questioning myself thinking what have I done to make her react like that? Even the littlest things like it was New years, everyone was celebrating and because I didn't have her in my arms when the clock hit 12, she kicked off. No, I ended things because I felt I was being pushed away by her. These drunken incidents were really taking its toll on me. When she's sober and enjoying life, she really is an amazing girl. When we first met I had never gotten on with someone so well before in my life, we just clicked!

I think she's blocked me because I'm still holding onto our relationship even though I instigated the break up. I've gone full circle and now I'm the one having a break down.

You're right I was drinking on these occasions when she was, but I don't drink myself into ending up in hospital, I'm not aggressive in any nature, yes I may act a bit immature with friends but don't most guys when they've had a few? That's something i regret and will work on if/when I meet someone else because maybe she felt undervalued when we were in a mixed group, maybe I was having too much fun with friend and not her (even though I always thought she was having a great time with my mates girlfriends and myself)

The night she kicked off at my place with friends was because we were playing a drinking game (she actually suggested the game) then got annoyed because there were girls involved, she took a step back and watched for a bit which I was unaware of. We then had a massive argument because of it.

I tried my damn hardest in the relationship, I wasn't perfect and sometimes I don't think I met expectations. For her birthday this year I surprised her with a trip to Venice, this was the biggest thing I'd ever done for someone. I bought her gifts and we had such a wonderful time. A month later we were falling out due to drink, again. It was killing me. Didn't help that my mum didn't think she was marriage material, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We discussed kids and we were about to buy a house. Maybe I didn't think of the bigger picture. I'm destroyed at the moment seeing her just moving on so quickly, she's posted so much on social media and it looks like she's having a great time seeing friends and doing things. I'm trying to go about my business but Im a guy, I don't post all that much on social media anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 08-Dec-15 09:42:37

Actually your mother was right, this lady was not marriage material. What you have outlined is really what a relationship with an alcoholic is like.
She is a drunkard whose primary thought was along the lines of where the next drink was going to come from. All the very real problems in your relationship with her have stemmed from her own desire to drink herself into excess.

Alcohol remains her number 1 priority in her life and its a cruel mistress.

SolsburyHell Tue 08-Dec-15 09:44:30

Look, step away from Facebook. Often the people who post most on there about how happy they are are often the most miserable. I expect she wants you to see and know what you are missing and it's working. Block her.
People are right, the relationship wasn't right for you and you made the right decision in the first place. The more you put up with her behaviour the more it would have escalated.
I know it's easier said than done but retain your dignity, let it go and move on. No more contact with her under any circumstances, don't find out what she's up to and stay away from social media. It sounds like you've got some good friends, lean on them, start enjoying the single life again. There are plenty of single women out there.

Tpc90 Tue 08-Dec-15 09:45:47

Yes thank you for the replies.

I don't think she's an alcoholic, she wasn't drinking everyday. She actually has a responsible, important job. She sometimes couldn't handle binge drinking, like I said it wasn't every time we went out she would kick off. I'd say over the 3 years it was probably a dozen times. The final one ending up in hospital. That shits scary and I was in shock for the rest of the holiday. My mind was overthinking all sorts of stuff, but I've never been in a situation of a break up so didn't know what to expect after.

I think I have to say this to divert the attention away from her being an alcoholic, because she's not. When I first met her she was such a bubbly, beautiful character. Everything was perfect. We have so much in common and would spend almost everyday with each other. 6 months into the relationship and she broke down (drunken night out) she had fallen out with me and I couldn't understand why, again i was questioning myself etc etc. She then said "You need to know this, i have a personality disorder and I was struggling with depression before I met you.." Suddenly things started to add up. She couldn't handle her emotions when certain things happened and drinking heightened this. She said I deserved someone better, someone who didn't have all this and would make me happy. I sat down with her in the corner of this hotel room, she was crying, I had tears in my eyes, and I said "Im not going anyway, Im not jumping ship just because you've said all that, Im here for the long run. We can battle through this and I will do whatever it takes to help you." She obviously appreciated that and I kept it to myself. I hadn't had to deal with any of this before, not with myself or friends/family. It was all new but I was going to do my damn best to help her.

Things got better but then we would pretty much have to start again when we had a drunken incident. Again, I'm not perfect and she said to me a couple weeks ago she didn't like it when I spoke down to her when we argued, especially in the final year. I obviously regret that. But I think I was doing that because it was getting me down and I was fed up with arguing and confrontations. I'm not confrontational at all and especially didn't want to hurt the love of my life.

Now that's all gone. Yes there isn't any arguing anymore, we're not talking now anyway. But there were so many positives out weighing the negatives that i miss so much about her. I so wish we could have sat down and discussed where we were going and what was happening that was putting the relationship under so much strain. But I didn't give it that chance, knee jerk reaction and look at me now..

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