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Relationships

Kissed another man. Distraught by my feelings.

57 replies

LondonGirl77 · 07/12/2015 18:22

I am overwhelmed by the way I have found myself feeling. I didn't go looking for this and am so desperately confused. I have been married for 8 years and have two kids aged 6 and under. I work 4 days a week in a profession and I love my work. My husband has a big job that demands a lot of travel. Our lives can be crazy but we do spend good quality time together. My husband is an amazing man, he is kind, thoughtful, good to me, amazing with the kids, successful. Our marriage has been fine, although we have had our ups and downs since having the kids...mostly petty arguing, and we have had counselling for this. Our sex life is not great. I put this down to me having low sex drive since having kids. If I am totally honest, I don't really fancy him the way I used to. I have a colleague overseas who is the same age as me (thankfully he is a LONG WAY overseas!). He is also married with kids the same age as mine. We have known each other a couple of years but only met a handful of times, and spoken on the phone/attended conferences together. We recently spent a weekend at a conference together (with a lot of other colleagues) and spent a lot of time chatting, in the bar, out in the evening, etc. We have incredible chemistry – we have the same sense of humour, we enjoy the same things. We just have a lot of fun. We have had some very deep talks about life and marriage and kids. I am overwhelmingly attracted to him and he has made his feelings for me very clear. Nothing happened at the conference but after we returned to our offices we chatted on email non-stop for several weeks. He was in the same city as me this week and we ended up at a works drinks event together. People trickled away at about 8pm and we were left. We went for dinner together. We talked all night. After we left we were walking back to his hotel for me to get a cab and we kissed. It was ridiculously romantic and stupid. It was amazing. I can't stop thinking about him. We walked back together and agreed that 'this' can only end one way, and we need to stop, now. I got in a cab. He got his flight a couple of days later. I feel bereft. I feel like I am mourning what might have been. I worry I made huge mistakes in my life and that I am destined to life a "good" family life forever more, but never feel that amazing desire and lust and sexual attraction I don't feel for anyone else but this man.

Please tell me I will stop feeling like this. I want to break down and cry. I feel guilty, but not completely guilty as I feel we did stop when we realised what we were doing. I feel guilty for the desire but I can't control my feelings.

OP posts:
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Duckdeamon · 07/12/2015 18:25

Have a read of "not just friends" by shirley glass. You took a conscious decision to get into an emotional and now sexual affair: not a great plan.

Also leave off with the "overwhelming feelings" script.

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LondonGirl77 · 07/12/2015 18:32

Ok thank you for the tip. To be clear, I have not embarked on a full blown affair!

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Baconyum · 07/12/2015 18:36

I agree with duck, this was an emotional affair and so you didn't "stop when we realised what we were doing". Not saying that to have a go but because you need to acknowledge that. Also I suspect you fancied your husband just as intensely when you first met him, add to that the frisson of secrets and doing something forbidden and that's whats really going on, not that this man is 'the one'.

You will stop feeling like this and that'll happen a lot sooner if you focus on your dh and family.

And stop communications with this man excepting where ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for work.

Certainly don't ever be alone with him again.

There are far too many people involved that could be hurt including you. But the ones that would be hurt the most are the ones that have done NOTHING WRONG.

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Baconyum · 07/12/2015 18:39

This IS a full blown emotional affair or else your feelings would not be so difficult to handle. You need to stop denying this or you risk it happening again, even with someone else.

How do you think 'full blown affairs' start? It's rarely a case of immediate sec as aside from anything else cheats that are married with kids need to make arrangements to meet and alibis etc

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Handywoman · 07/12/2015 18:43

Actually if you were chatting non stop on email for weeks after his feelings were made clear, then you could have seen this coming a MILE off. The kiss was conscious and consensual.

Read Esther perel and see what she says about fidelity in relationships. And give yourself a reality check: he isn't 'the one'. But if you want to be with him end your marriage.

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TabithaTwitchEye · 07/12/2015 18:47

I really don't know what to say, other than I do feel for you. It must be a hard situation to be in.

I think you need to pull your head out of the romance and make some clear choices. You need to think of your children - do you eat to change your life, and theirs? Or would you?

Either way, you need to talk to your husband, because something isn't working. Only you two can decide if it's worth fixing. All the best.

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Duckdeamon · 07/12/2015 20:08

It certainly is a "full blown" affair you have been conducting. Your H would no doubt consider it so.

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Duckdeamon · 07/12/2015 20:10

you overstepped many boundaries well before the kiss, knowingly, because you fancied OM.

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sminkypinky · 07/12/2015 20:15

Op have you posted about this before under a different name? (before the kiss)

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TooSassy · 07/12/2015 20:25

Oh OP.

You're getting some fairly blunt replies on here.

Listen. The I tend to agree with the other posters. You enjoyed the emailing, the growing connection and the sense of both being attracted to someone and that attraction feeling reciprocated. You both had a sense of what could happen that night. And you were building up to it. The kiss was almost inevitable if I'm honest.

The connection. The emailing. The build up. It is the start of an affair. The fact that you're denying it's full blown is semantics. You were both one step away from falling into bed with each other. The fact that you didn't is really really good (obviously) but I am sure your DH would be pretty devastated to even learn about a kiss and the level of contact.

If you're feeling really guilty

  1. stop any contact (outside of work) immediately. Go cold turkey.
  2. focus on you and your DH. You're not attracted to him? Well you need to figure that out and fast. I speak from experience when I say that when that intimacy starts to die, it can be the start of the end. Finding it with someone else just accelerates the process
  3. get into counselling. Seriously. If you don't figure this out OP, it will happen again.
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MagpieCursedTea · 07/12/2015 20:28

What you're attracted to and what you're mourning isn't real. If you left your husband for this man not only would it rip two families apart but the fantasy would never match the reality. A year down the line and you'd be dealing with the same day to day life stuff that everyone deals with and the excitement would be gone.
I know it's hard, but let go of the fantasy and try and work on your relationship.

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LondonGirl77 · 07/12/2015 20:39

Nope never posted about this before. Th k you all for your points of view. Very helpful.

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Loveleopardprint · 07/12/2015 20:39

Smirky pinky I feel like I have read this before too! Wondered if I was going a bit mad.

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Owllady · 07/12/2015 20:44

I agree with toosassy
Stop any contact outside of work
Concentrate on your marriage children
Take it a day at a time and just concentrate on yourself
It will pass. Honestly. Then in a couple of gears time you'll think wtf ?!

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Owllady · 07/12/2015 20:45

Years not gears!

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Pantone363 · 07/12/2015 20:45

OP he leaves his dirty boxers on the floor, farts in bed and probably eats his nose boogers.

There's nothing special here other than the bog standard fancying someone new chemicals.

Imagine sitting down and telling your DC mummy's moving out because she did a horrible thing to daddy?

Give yourself a shake, stop emailing and get on with your life.

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Fratelli · 07/12/2015 20:54

Oh ffs. If you were with this man instead then everyday life would kick in at some point. Only it would be even harder as two familes would be broken up. The grass may seem greener but it is not. It was something new and that's what you felt. It would soon no longer be new. You should tell your dh so he can decide if you're the kind of person he wants to be married to imo. You've had an emotional affair. Dress it up any way you like but that's what it was.

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AnyFucker · 07/12/2015 20:58

You have been having an affair.

Because his penis hasn't yet entered your vagina is not what defines it

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lunar1 · 07/12/2015 21:05

Stop with all the melodrama, you have had an emotional affair and walked into this with your eyes open.

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Whenischristmas · 07/12/2015 21:15

What happens the next time there is a work event? You go back to his hotel room to 'call a taxi?'

I would plan for this eg not go/take your husband because it's going to happen that way otherwise isnt it?

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Penfold007 · 07/12/2015 21:21

You've indulged in an emotional affair, deal with it.

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ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 21:31

If you have got to the point where you don't want sex with your DH, but you do have an EA with another man, then it's time to leave your marriage. We all deserve to be with someone who is "it" or "the only one for me". I would exit your marriage and pursue that. But I know it's way easier and said than done. Have to say that if I was already detached from my H then I would probably pursue this and see where it went but then I was cheated on for years by ExH and I would now put myself first

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Purplehonesty · 07/12/2015 21:36

Oh OP I do feel for you.

When life becomes mundane the grass often seems greener. But think of it this way, you have a great life, great family and I bet you felt this way about your dh before kids and work and real life ground it down.

I don't think any of us get to have it all. I think we have to settle for what we have and it sounds like you have it pretty good in most other aspects.

I wouldn't say dh and I are still setting the world on fire, we bicker and don't still have mind blowing sex. Kids and life takes it toll. I think a lot of people are in this position.

I hope you can get your head around it and stop thinking of what might have been. Concentrate on your family, go do something nice with your kids and your feelings will go away eventually.

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timeforabrewnow · 07/12/2015 21:52

^^

What Iliveatthe beach says. I feel sorry for your husband as you've been disloyal to him and he doesn't know.

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MisForMumNotMaid · 07/12/2015 22:05

I am biased and do hold strong views because my XH cheated.

I see this as two issues. One is your marriage, the other is a relationship with a married man with family.

Do you want to end you marriage?

This is the decission you need to make do you want to risk all (career, home, kids as well as your DH) and be in a position you can pursue a relationship with this married man - who may well reject you for more than a fling.

Years after my divorce the one thing that still makes me really angry is that my XH should have ended the marriage as thats what he wanted. By having a relationship with someone else and then just disappearing off it made things so much more complex for me, him and particularly the DC.

Things have gone a fair way beyond ideal but you aren't a silly school girl after your first taste of wine. Be the adult here. Go to a therapist if you think it could help you work through why this has appealed so much. But please seperate the issues.

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