Hi everyone,
let me start by saying that this is not going to be a MIL-bashing thread. My MIL and I are never going to be best friends and we've had some boundary issues but nothing I can't handle. In fact, the problem I have now is more to do with the relationship between DH and his mum. I'll try and keep it short but there's some back story that is necessary to understand what's happening now.
DH is the eldest of 3. There is a 7-year gap between him and his brother then a 1-year gap between his brother and sister. DH says himself that he did not have a happy childhood. His parents were forced into marrying when she was pregnant, money was tight and tensions were high. MIL would regularly get drunk, throw plates and shout at FIL about how unhappy she was. She would also shout at DH, telling him it was his fault that she was unhappy. FIL was absent most of the time and was very strict when he was around.
For years, DH carried a lot of bad feeling towards his parents regarding his childhood and when I first met him 12 years ago, he hardly ever saw them. They only found out about me when we were moving in together and needed someone to co-sign the lease. Gradually, he allowed himself to let go of the resentment and build an adult relationship with them. He still wasn't extremely close but we started to see them more often and things were a lot less tense when we did.
About 8 years ago, we found out that MIL had been picked up a couple of times for drunk and disorderly behaviour and was seeing a therapist to get treatment for her drinking problem. The reason that FIL decided to tell us this was that my BIL had been staying with them and had found about 30 empty bottles in the spare room that MIL uses as an office. Presumably, SIL, who was still living with MIL & FIL at the time, also knew so FIL decided that my DH should be told. MIL stopped drinking, started taking medication and had regular appointments with her therapist, she seemed to be doing ok.
Then, a few years later, DH and I were about to go to visit BIL, his wife and their son (they live overseas). MIL was due to go the week before us but, the day before she was due to leave, FIL called and asked if we could pick up some things to take over with us as MIL was no longer going. It turned out that MIL had been picked up for drink-driving the previous month. She had run into a cyclist (luckily she had stopped at a traffic light and set off before the lights changed so she wasn't going too fast and the cyclist wasn't hurt). When the police came, she was over 3 times the legal limit (at 10am) and incoherent so they took her to the station. Her licence was suspended and she had to go to court-ordered therapy, the first session fell during her planned trip to see BIL.
We took the stuff to BIL on our trip and nearly started WW3. Unbeknown to us, BIL and FIL had decided not to tell BIL's wife about the drinking problem as they were worried that she would (rightly, in my opinion) put a stop to the visits where they would leave my nephew with his grand-parents for a few days while they took a trip as a couple. My nephew was just months old when the drinking problem first came to light and in the following years, had been left on his own with my in-laws several times. DH and I had always been a little shocked that BIL and his wife would do this but chose not to interfere. When we arrived at BIL's house, it became apparent that his wife thought MIL had the flu. DH told her the truth. It did not go down well (although that hasn't stopped them leaving my nephew, and now my niece too, when they have wanted a holiday since then).
At the time, DH was furious, especially two weeks later when MIL started talking about buying a car that doesn't need a licence (I don't know if you have those in the UK but they are becoming more popular over here). She called to ask DH what he thought (he was working for a car company at the time) and he flew off the handle, telling her that she was a disgrace and shouldn't be on the road. FIL was furious and we didn't speak to them for several months. When they did get back in touch, MIL was going to therapy, had a series of negative blood tests and so we patched things up and since then things have been relatively calm.
Until last week.
One afternoon last week, MIL sent a series of text messages to DH complaining about her car being at the mechanics (she's had her licence back for about 2 years now), her phone and laptop being old and the fact that FIL is always working. DH felt sorry for her and we discussed getting in touch with BIL and SIL to suggest that we all chip in to get her a really nice Christmas present this year as she was obviously feeling unappreciated.
20 minutes after the text messages stopped, she wrote 2 ranty, incoherent emails sent to all three children, with their father on copy then forwarded the same emails to me and BIL's wife (SIL's partner was left out, we don't know why). I've read the emails several times and still can't understand the details of them. Something to do with her car failing the MOT and FIL having it repaired but she isn't happy because the car was her MIL's and she never liked her MIL and then she goes off on a tangent about how hard she's worked all her life. The details aren't important but they were clearly not emails written by someone who is in a happy place. I was at work but rang DH because I was worried about her. DH was angry that she would send something like that to me but agreed to call his dad as we assumed that he was away for work (he often is) and MIL was lonely.
It turned out that FIL wasn't away for work. He was in his home office and MIL was in the living room. He told DH that there was nothing to worry about. MIL was just "tired" because she's "had the flu." A few minutes after DH called his dad, his mum sent a series of text messages ranting that he had no right to call his dad to check up on her and that all the men in that family were the same. We haven't heard from either of them since. The only contact we've had from BIL has been a photo of his kids' letters to father christmas. We've had no word from SIL.
DH and I both think that what his dad said is not true. We both think that she's started drinking again but here's where we differ and I need your advice.
I think that these emails were a cry for help and that we, as an extended family would be letting her down by not acting on them. I think that at best she is depressed and needs support and at worst she is drinking and who knows what she'll do next (the public d&d incidents involved threatening FIL then herself with a kitchen knife and then running out into the street with it amongst other things).
DH agrees that she is probably drinking and should get help but has decided that it is no longer his problem. His exact words were "I had enough of this bullshit when I was a kid, I'm not going to put up with it now that I'm an adult." He is now saying that we won't be buying them Christmas presents or seeing them at Christmas or, indeed at all until they pull themselves together.
I know that how he chooses to deal with his parents is his decision but I'm worried that he's having a knee-jerk reaction that he will regret later on. We are due to move half-way across the country in a couple of months and I think that if we leave things like this now, they might never get better and DS (6 months) might miss out on knowing his grand parents.
I'm also concerned for my MIL.
So now I don't know what to do.
Obviously, I won't be replying to last week's email, or mentioning it directly but I was thinking that maybe I could send a chatty email with a recent picture of DS doing something cute in a couple of days, just to see how MIL is doing. Or should I respect DH's decision and not contact them at all?
FWIW, I've tried discussing my feelings on this with him but he is too annoyed to think rationally about it.
Sorry, this is ridiculously long. I hope that someone will make it to the end and have some advice.
Thanks in advance
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Delicate situation with DH and MIL - need advice
FrogLover · 07/12/2015 15:50
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