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I am a total hypocrite

(12 Posts)
BlueChopsticks Mon 07-Dec-15 14:53:58

I met someone online but I was just out of a difficult breakup and not looking for anything serious and neither was he. I saw it as a few dates and nothing more.

Both of us are good people, neither one of us has ever cheated on a partner, neither one of us is a "player" or out to hurt anyone but we'd both been hurt and had our confidence knocked and so behaved a bit out of character and caught each other at our worst.

During the first month I was actually seeing two other men at the same time and was texting a few as well. After our second date I actually slept with someone else sad

I know he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he really liked me and I sort of lied by ommission by not saying anything. I didn't feel we were in a relationship as we weren't I really didn't think anything was going to come of us as a couple and I was in a bad place emotionally and acting out a bit.

We carried on dating quite casually for a bit longer and then I realised I didn't actually want to see anyone else, or even talk to anyone else and so that tapered off but I was definitely keeping my options open and enjoying the attention.

After about the 7th date I ended up having a real panic. He had told me he was only really into casual - so for self protection - I ended it, deciding if I was going to grow to like someone who only wanted casual I would get very hurt.

I ended it, not letting on how much I felt for him and went out again with someone else. At the same time he started chatting with someone else online and ended up sleeping with her a few times.

We ended up dating again, we missed each other, andhe omitted to mention the other person - or flat out lied when asked directly actually and so i found out about her by chance.

I was furious as he'd lied, kept his options open, been with someone else and hurt me. Of course, I have done all of those same things as well but worse - but he does not know this sad

I was quite selfish and walked away as I genuinely had feelings for him which had blossomed and I was just so hurt. I cut him off completely no contact and went back to dating other people for the past month.

He then contacted me to say he really misses me and has genuine feelings for me and I do as well. I know we got off to a terrible start, but I think we just both saw it as casual and acted in ways we wouldn't normally.

My problem is that hypocitically I can't seem to get past him lying to me and being with someone else, I am just so hurt and jealous and consumed with visions of him with her. Worse, I have not told him the truth at all and actually allowed him to feel guilty without being honest myself.

What should I do?

I really like and care about him, but we got off to such a terrible start! I would never, ever lie or cheat in a relationship - I never have - so I feel so hypocritical.

heavens2betsy Mon 07-Dec-15 14:59:35

Well - the word karma springs to mind!
You have behaved worse than him as at least he was honest with you. You 'lied by omission' and have been deceiving him ever since and giving him a hard time for something you have done as well.
IMO you should stay single for a while until you decide what it is you want and stop playing games.
The golden rule is if you wouldn't like it done to you then don't do it to someone else!!

BlueChopsticks Mon 07-Dec-15 15:13:45

I do know I am worse than he is, I did say that.

To be fair on me was the first few weeks of seeing someone, we weren't exclusive and he said from the outset he only wantd casual. My persepctive at the time was hat it would be insane not to keep my options open.

There was no game playing...just a casual relationship where I didn't feel like I owed him any more than I was giving. When I felt like I had feelings developing for him, the fact that he wanted only casual was why I decided to end things.

What bothers me, is that while I was developing feelings and stopping seeing and speaking to others, he was actually starting to see someone else so to me that feels a bit more hurtful. I'd have found it easier to cope with if he'd been seeing others at the start and decided he didn't want to anymore.

I think we both have come to realise we want a relationship with each other and I want to try and start afresh but know I have to come clean and also really find it hard to not feel angry and upset - which I know I've absolutely no right to feel.

BlueChopsticks Mon 07-Dec-15 15:15:13

And he was only honest with me when he got caught! He didn't volunteer any of it. I found out when we were together and she sent him a saucy message which popped up on his iphone!

AliceInUnderpants Mon 07-Dec-15 15:16:46

Maybe JK could sort it out for you?

wannaBe Mon 07-Dec-15 15:21:28

stop minimising your own part in this. You've been lying and screwing around for months and yet you're the one who feels betrayed because the bloke you actually wanted started seeing someone else? He didn't actually do anything wrong, whereas you've been playing games from the outset. Grow up.

sinber Mon 07-Dec-15 15:21:57

Forgive him, forgive yourself, draw a line in your mind and go from here.

It's been muddled and messy, but it needn't be from now on.

heavens2betsy Mon 07-Dec-15 15:27:12

So fess up and see what his reaction is!
My guess is that he will be furious that you have made him feel so guilty when you were doing the same thing.
If you draw a line under it and start again can you be sure this won't be thrown back in each others faces each time you have an argument?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 07-Dec-15 15:34:38

Been there done that.
I was so on/off with my OH for the first couple of years.
I was out of a 15 year marriage and his was coming to an end.
Guilt and all sorts gets in the way and it does make things hard.
We've now been 'back on' properly for 2 1/2 years and we still love each other madly. In fact, buying a house together soon.
We both decided we'd behaved badly and had our time of 'madness' and if we wanted to make it work to put that all behind us and get back on track.
And we did, and I'm very glad about it too.
If you like him and he likes you, can you draw a line and start again?
Just start dating and take things slowly to begin with and see where you go from there.

BlueChopsticks Mon 07-Dec-15 15:36:22

I'm not minimising, but stand by believing I was not in the wrong to be dating multiple people in the first 6 weeks. We werent in a relationship, it was casual, and it's the norm for online dating to do that.

Where I am really in the wrong is:

1) Ending it with him instead of having the balls to tell him I really liked him

2) Not telling him that I had seen other people to when I found out he had and letting him feel guilty when I was just as bad if not worse.

3) Not being able to get past him doing someting I'd done myself and judging him as untrusthworthy for something I have also done.

Bear in mind for all I know he could have also been seeing people all the way through. Online dating is a complete minefield and when you both start out "casual" it's very hard if you start to care about the person.

I will tell him, but you're right that I am not sure either of us would ever trust the other one. It's a real shame as there's something there.

I was wondering if it would not be a good idea to wait a few months and see where we are at, as time can sometimes make a fresh start easier.

BlueChopsticks Mon 07-Dec-15 15:37:49

Thanks HellsBells I would really like to try. I seriously have no problem coming clean (and I will and won't let him continue to feel he is the only one at fault) btu I just feel so jealous. I know how irrational that is!!!

sinber Mon 07-Dec-15 15:42:41

Sorry, but why cause problems? Early, early days.

No need for drama, or big discussions surely.

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