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dv non mol and child contact

(24 Posts)
fuzzyhead143 Mon 07-Dec-15 12:41:32

hi newbie here after some advice/experience of people in a similar situation . i have been split from my ex for nearly 8 yrs due to DV/A. We have a child together who ex didn't want to see until DC was 4 yrs old.

Now there is a contact order in place but ex thinks he doesn't have to show up so we have changed the time and days to suit him.
Over the past few years i have had to call police due to his volatile nature and frequent anger outburst. I now have a non mol order in place back in court next week to see if he contests it or not.
Since i applied for the ex parte non mol ex has reported me to social services for emotional abuse on my DC. SS have closed the case and no ongoing action.
I guess i would like to know what happens with contact now. DC want no contact but court wont listen at DC age.
Any help would be great thanks x

startrek90 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:04:38

How old are your dc? Is a contact center where they can be supervised an option. Failing that don't be so quick to change date and times. Stick to the order if he shows he shows if he doesn't then the dc are happy. Have you got a log of incidents? If not record all incidents with him an dc as well as the dc refusal to go. Maybe report concerns to social worker?

fuzzyhead143 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:15:42

DC is 8. we did discus a contact centre as me dropping DC of is not the best idea as ex cant get over the split he asked for a contact centre but when i gave him the details he said court order still stands and he wont go to a centre
. i have kept a log since the day he started having contact over 4 years ago and its bleak to say the least. there is also multiple police logs.
DC has some health issues as a direct result of all of this but ex will have non of it and says its me causing the problems and i threw away 4 years of his life( was only in a relationship for 14 months). just worried about going back to court for non mol order and him saying ive stopped contact.
I have spoken to SS this am and have been told case closed. x

startrek90 Mon 07-Dec-15 16:53:40

Ok first log this with school. I assume you have a solicitor for the non mol? Speak to them and ask them to clarify where you stand for contact centre. Then write email/txt and give ex dates and times of contact centre mentioning that your concerned that dc wants to stop contact and that you want to preserve a relationship. In short lay it out as best for your dc. If he kicks off report. If he threatens report. You have a log already if he takes you to court then you are in a strong position. My dad threatened my mum like this but she held firm and eventually he went away. Men like this are all the same: All smoke and no fire.

startrek90 Mon 07-Dec-15 16:54:23

Will bump this so better posters can give advice

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Dec-15 18:33:44

I don't have experience of this OP but this:
DC has some health issues as a direct result of all of this

Do whatever you need to do to protect your DC. The reason your ex is doing this is to try to control you further; you know full well he doesn't give a shiny shit about DC, and your DC also knows that. Stick to your guns, contact centre or nothing. If there has been continued police involvement at a level high enough to renew a non mol then I can't see any judge saying that a contact centre arrangement is unfair.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 07-Dec-15 18:55:13

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment, except ex is refusing service of the papers so its dragging on a fair bit.

The court hearing will not deal with contact, its for your ex to contest the non mol order. If he wants to resume contact he will have to make an application himself. And as far as you stopping contact, trust me that won't be an issue. If he is legally not allowed to contact you then you cannot arrange contact and if you did speak to each other then he would be breaching his order and get in a lot of trouble.

If he does make an application then Cafcass will conduct a telephone interview with you to discuss any possible risks posed by your ex ( including the impact on DCs emotional well being ) they are there to act in behalf of the child so will put their well being first, and they cannot overide the non-mol order, so a contact centre will be the most likely outcome.

It sounds like your ex is using your DC to maintain some contact with and control over you. The court will hopefully recognise this and put him in his place.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 07-Dec-15 18:58:53

Oh and do not respond to any of his texts/calls/emails, even if they are about.contact.And call the police EVERY time he contacts you - the court will not look kindly on repeated breaches of order.

fuzzyhead143 Mon 07-Dec-15 23:29:56

hi thanks for advice have been to school they have a copy of non mol and are writing me a statement of support. i did give him all details needed to start hand overs at a contact centre but he refused this.
i don't have legal rep cant afford it but have been speaking to NCDV who have been very helpful but still not sure on contact.
i wont respond to any text/calls.
waiting for counselling to start for DC in new year.
problem is ex is a very good lier to the point he refutes cctv footage he genuinely believes he has done no wrong.
has anybody had the courts order contact centre only x

wallywobbles Tue 08-Dec-15 09:48:33

My 8 & 9 yo were listened to and no longer see their dad. Maybe they will want to in the future but they haven't for a year now.

I'm in France and this is much much harder to achieve than in the UK.

We currently have no court order since the last one ran out in Jan. My lawyers advice was let him take you to court if he wants contact. It will take time and give the kids a break. By the time it gets to court they will be a bit older and it's not improbable that they will be heard.

fuzzyhead143 Tue 08-Dec-15 11:47:10

thank you all i just wish ex would listen to DC, if he had it would not of got too the point were DC doesn't want to see him. i've tried everything to convince DC that its a good thing but its not working. DC is so happy at mo he thinks he hasn't got to see him again.
Well in court on Thursday so shall see if contest or not. has anyone been for a contested non mol hearing. x

fuzzyhead143 Tue 08-Dec-15 11:54:04

i think your right pocket as it is never a case of EX asking if DC is available for contact its always '' are YOU going to be there tomorrow'' or words to that effect at least.
I don't think anything will be sorted this side of xmas so we can enjoy the holidays in peace x

pocketsaviour Tue 08-Dec-15 12:27:59

i've tried everything to convince DC that its a good thing but its not working. DC is so happy at mo he thinks he hasn't got to see him again.

When a relationship has finished just because the people have fallen out of love, or had to move for work, or want different things, or have had an affair - then encouraging a child to continue contact with a parent is definitely the right thing to do.

But when the parent has been violent, abusive, bullying and has already mistreated and frightened the child, then contact should not be encouraged. Children get a better benefit from the absence of an abusive parent, than from their presense.

Look at it this way. If you had a dog which had become aggressive and snappy after your DC was born, so you'd had to rehome it somewhere else - would you encourage your DC to go and visit it, and encourage him to stroke and play with the dog, which had already bitten you on numerous ocassions?

fuzzyhead143 Tue 08-Dec-15 13:36:16

thank you for the honesty it defo makes sense again looking at it i think i have done this as ex constantly threatens to go back to court and i'm trying to avoid the arguments so i end up doing what's best for ex rather than DC.
i can see now that its not healthy for anyone i haven't done it for months and i wont be doing again. since DC has had no contact its like a different child lives with me its constant love DC shows and says many times a day how much love they hold for me and DP witch is amazing. his health conditions have also dramticaly eased up and i find it hard to believe that contact could of caused it all but it is so obvious now though.
Just hope the order will stand and contact wont be contested as ex hasn't seen dc for contact 3 months and that ended with ex saying he wouldn't see DC again x

expectantmum79 Tue 08-Dec-15 14:01:28

My ex didn't contest Non Mol fuzzy. What evidence have you got? Sometimes the evidence speaks for itself.x

fuzzyhead143 Tue 08-Dec-15 14:38:23

i've got several police and dv ref numbers ,3 witness statements ,cctv footage if they want it from a local council building a diary log kepts since 2012 and a support statement from school to counter his allegations of child abuse..
Hoping that will be enough to see through his lies x

alphacourse Tue 08-Dec-15 15:07:39

I will keep my fingers crossed that you get a better outcome than me. I had a non molestation and had been heard at MARAC 4 times. He took me to court for 50:50 and was awarded it (I was breastfeeding my under 2 year old still) amd we were told to use 3rd parties for handovers. But then - my ex uses the most expensive solicitors in the UK (whilst telling CMS that he is low income self employed of court). That was a year ago and I've just filed to vary the order as the children are traumatised......

fuzzyhead143 Tue 08-Dec-15 17:05:13

oh no alpha hope you get a better outcome this time.. ex is self repping so no worries of solicitors for me. the same here he works cash in hand and i car't prove it so no maintenance for DC.
i prefer it that way though as i do not rely on him to financially support DC.
did your non mol hearing go well? how long were you awarded under it?x

alphacourse Tue 08-Dec-15 17:50:54

I got it ex parte when he was arrested for ABH and Battery against me. He put I a defence 1 hour before the hearing 7 days later. He agreed to Undertakings for a year under the same terms as the non molestation. I recommend that you DON'T agree undertakings instead. I was told in court that they are essentially the same - but they don't hold the same gravitas if you have to go back to court. Keep the non molestation at all costs. Also be aware that contact centres are only considered as very short term solutions. Good luck x

Racmactac Tue 08-Dec-15 19:16:20

If you are on low income or benefits you will be entitled to legal aid.

If you don't comply with court order you are potentially in breach and can find yourself in trouble. Of course court would probably find you have reasonable excuse for not complying. But be proactive

Complete form c100 and make emergency application for child arrangement order and a prohibited steps order to prevent him from removing child from your care.

Cafcass will get involved again and they will listen although it's not the only consideration in case like this

fuzzyhead143 Thu 10-Dec-15 16:30:39

hi thanks racmac ive been to court today for hearing and got c100 form. I am not allowed legal aid but think i might talk to ncdv again see if they cant help with mk friend.
no idea what the outcome of today was as i had to leave early x

jessicaruizme Fri 11-Dec-15 08:15:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

alphacourse Sat 12-Dec-15 16:54:30

Hi. How did you get on? Was thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way

fuzzyhead143 Sat 02-Jan-16 16:04:11

hi all sorry for wait but as above i had no idea what the outcome would be as ex was unprepared and didn't know what too say.he angered the legal adviser by calling him a lier and was told he had to go back later that day.
well 2 weeks later i reiceved a very short letter say the original order is the final order so it was granted and ex accepted he had done those things x

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