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DDs (9) grandpa, "playfully smacking" DDs bottom. Was I right?

(43 Posts)
extrastrongblackcoffee Mon 07-Dec-15 11:15:45

Hi,

So me and DDs dad aren't together anymore. Haven't been for the last 3 years. She sees him once a fortnight and probably sees his parents once a month. I know they love DD, but I've never got on with them and I've always questioned their priorities.

Anyway, DD was with her grandparents yesterday and when her dad drops her back off, she tells me that grandpa has been smacking her bottom when they were playing. Now, I know he wouldn't try to hurt her, but she showed me how hard and I think it's too hard. She could be exaggerating, but its just a no go area. It's completely inappropriate isn't it?! She asked me why I was cross and I told her that obviously I wasn't cross with her, but that there are certain parts of your body that you people aren't allowed to touch and her grandpa should know that. I called her dad and said very firmly, that he tells his dad to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. He says I'm overreacting, to wind my neck in etc, but I can't let this go. He crossed a line. I saw him do it when she was about 4 and I told him not to. He didn't understand what my problem was. It was done in a playful way, but still, I didn't like it.

Thoughts please. I didn't overreact did I?

TIA

StrumpersPlunkett Mon 07-Dec-15 11:19:47

it is a very personal thing. I wouldn't have reacted the same way, but if it is making you uncomfortable then it is right to deal with it.
there seems to be a bum smacking game in this house with DH and the kids it doesnt bother me.

LBOCS2 Mon 07-Dec-15 11:19:52

Was she distressed by it? Do you have any reason to think he was hurting her?

FWIW, I was 'spanking' my 3 yo DD on the bare bum with a hairbrush last night after she got out of the bath; she thought it was hilarious (and it in no way encouraged her to let me brush her hair - oh well!). I clearly didn't think that was inappropriate, nor would I think it was if DH was doing it. It's about context.

Moomazoo Mon 07-Dec-15 11:50:17

Hmmmmm I'm a bit on the fence about this !!!!
Aged 9 ... I think she is too old to smacked on the bum by Grandad.
I don't like things like this anyway because of my relationship with my grandad... He would want me to wash his back when he was in the bath!!!!
YANBU at all here!!! It's s bit different if she was younger.

BrendaandEddie Mon 07-Dec-15 11:51:21

If keep it light bit speak to the grandparents themselves. Ex h is bound to make a thing out of it.

Drew64 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:19:45

OVERREACTING!
He probably feels really shit now about the GD he obviously very much loves.

If you don't trust him don't allow them to see her

MummyC92 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:24:09

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it, my parents and grandparents often play about with my DS smacking bottoms etc. I don't think in that context it is inappropriate and doesn't bother my son, if I knew it had happened with my DPs parents I would think the same provided it hadn't distressed DS.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 07-Dec-15 13:28:52

I think it's highly inappropriate. Firstly, I do not agree with smacking in the first place. Secondly, if it's just "fun", it's a weird kind of fun. Children have a right not to be touched, especially on the parts we would deem private. At nine, many girls are starting to develop a bit too. It's all just not right.

whitershadeofpale Mon 07-Dec-15 13:53:46

I think it's one of those things that is very particular to your family. 9 feels quite old to me but my DN6 and I play this sort of game, in fact he'll often do something silly and then waggle his bum at me to encourage me to chase him and give him a few playful smacks when I catch him. I would e mortified if anyone found it inappropriate.

Snossidge Mon 07-Dec-15 13:57:33

Was your DD uncomfortable about it? I'd treat it like tickling - if she doesn't like it then it has to stop.

I chase my kids and smack them though, as do their grandparents.

NanaNina Mon 07-Dec-15 14:04:37

Where does it say this girl is 9? If so I agree with the OP - very inappropriate, and the child did tell her mother, so maybe she didn't feel quite right about it. I would think this kind of game would only be suitable for under 5s.

Snossidge Mon 07-Dec-15 14:05:44

In the title.

ElsieMc Mon 07-Dec-15 14:08:17

You have already asked GD not to do this but he continues and as your dd is now 9, it is becoming inappropriate. Most men understand this and apply some sensitivity particular when they are not the parent.

As for those telling you you are overreacting, you are not, you are following your instincts. Drew, you simply cannot stop GPs from seeing dd as her father has regular contact which includes the wider family. This is why it needs dealing with and as she does not have the support of her former partner.

Perhaps email your ex putting your concerns in writing so you have made your position clear and ask him to support your dd. It might upset her gd but his feelings are secondary to your dds who is the vulnerable person here who felt it necessary to tell her dm about the incident.

strawberryandaflake Mon 07-Dec-15 14:09:15

Over reacting.

tictactoad Mon 07-Dec-15 14:13:05

Not overreacting.

9 is too old for games like this even if they are innocent and there's always a chance they're not. I'd be fuming especially as he's already been told not to do it and is basically going ahead anyway behind your back.

Chances are excellent she's uncomfortable and is effectively asking you to get it stopped even if she's not spelling it out in so many words.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 07-Dec-15 14:17:07

I would have been mortified at the age of nine if a bloke (relative or otherwise) playfully hit my arse cheeks.

extrastrongblackcoffee Mon 07-Dec-15 14:49:14

Ah, ok. So split opinion it would seem.

I've done this myself when DD was younger. With no force to it obviously. More a tap really. I just didn't like seeing her GD doing it, even at 4, as it was more than a tap and my instincts told me to say "can you not do that x". To think that he's still doing it now, when she's right on the cusp of puberty, makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I think my DD thought it was wrong. I got that vibe and when I asked if it hurt her, she said "um, kind of" but then didn't want me to say anything to her dad or GD.

extrastrongblackcoffee Mon 07-Dec-15 14:50:57

Oh and I mean when we were playing (the tapping) I 100% don't believe in smacking as a punishment.

PippaFawcett Mon 07-Dec-15 14:51:40

Not overreacting. And the fact that she mentioned it to you sounds like it made her uncomfortable.

exWifebeginsat40 Mon 07-Dec-15 14:57:31

i don't like the sound of this at all. and, OP, you have every right to say DD doesn't go there, as much as XP says she does. I don't know how you would enforce this - can anyone advise if it has to be raised with children's services?

PhilPhilConnors Mon 07-Dec-15 15:01:13

Agree with NanaNina, past 5 this sort of game is inappropriate.
Could you tell your dd that it's ok to say "no, stop doing that"? Teach her that she is in charge of her body and who touches it (and where).
If it continues he needs to be spoken to.

Raxacoricofallapatorius Mon 07-Dec-15 15:05:03

It might not sit right with you but it's not inappropriate in universal terms. It might be a part of normal, healthy play in many families.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Dec-15 15:07:45

Absolutely inappropriate and I would class this as sexual assault, and no I'm not joking. It's how my dad started on molesting me confused

extrastrongblackcoffee Mon 07-Dec-15 15:08:05

ex, I've already said that if it happened again, she wouldn't be going back. Her dad said that was fair enough (earlier today) and he would have a chat with him.

Phil, I actually did have that chat with her last night, in order to explain my reaction, which she seemed confused about. It was due anyway though. I've had a similar chat with her before, but it needed reinforcing.

heavens2betsy Mon 07-Dec-15 15:11:27

Trust your gut instincts OP.
Whether your ex or DDs granddad agrees YOU are her Mum and have every right to ask him not to do this.
I remember an uncle who used to chase me round the house to tickle me when I was a kid - it was hilarious when I was 5 but just creepy and wrong when I was 12/13 and my parents had to have a strong word with him. Even when I was in my 20s he used to come up behind me and tickle me under my arms - yuk.

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