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Struggling to rebuild relationship

(7 Posts)
Sadhusband Mon 07-Dec-15 10:02:13

Hi. Am really hoping for some advice here. Have been married to my wife 15 years, 2 great kids but our relationship has hit the rocks and I am scared she doesn't feel the same as me. As a bloke I do think simply and in black and white so need a bit of a sanity check.

Things have been poor for a while, not horrible but I think both having full time jobs and being busy we didn't make time for each other. When we go out its with kids or others. We will often sit on our phones or laptops and I guess took each other for granted. I am very closed, proud and keep emotions inside while she tends to the opposite. Anyway things kicked off recently and she told me she was not happy and that a month ago had kissed a guy at work but unhappiness had been there a while. Lack of attention and generally is not being nice with each other. She felt unloved and "is this it". We have done a lot of talking and went away for the weekend for some time together. Things have gone well and we have been getting on but there seems to be a coldness with her. One of the issues is we didn't kiss and if we did it was a peck every now and again. I am trying to me more affectionate but it seems to be one way. She has gone to kiss me a couple of times but not anything deep or lingering. Have asked her and while she thinks things are improving she feels she needs a guard up. If she lets it down we could slip back into things. As a guy I don't get it. She said she is scared too so I don't know what to do. Keep showering her with hugs and kisses but that putting pressure on? Part of me thinks she is like being at the top of a slide and just needs a "push" to get going? Is she in denial and while making some effort has told herself it is over? I don't want to back off but neither do i want to push too far if that all makes sense. We have come a long way in the last 10 days but it seems to have hit the buffers a bit? We have a councelling session later this week hopefully.

LucySnow12 Mon 07-Dec-15 14:00:49

Sad, it has only been 10 days - rebuilding trust and affection takes time, I would say months. You really need to focus on each other, show appreciation, interest, give support. I agree, so many of us, are more involved with our screens than the person in the room with us!

I feel when kids come along, so much of our emotional energy is given to them that we sometimes forget our partner needs some too. I've often thought, my H is an adult, he doesn't need me to compliment him but he does!

Don't be afraid to be the giver. Don't be afraid to hold her hand or give a hug - to make the first move. I truly believe the more you give, the more you receive. And right now you have to be consistent. You can't give up because you are not getting the response you think you should. That will just say, you are not ready to put in the effort or change. Remember the things you love about each other.

I think you can come through this. From what you write, it seems you both want to. But it will take time and dedication. I wish you well. You sound like a nice guy.

I think this is a good article to get you started:

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

Jan45 Mon 07-Dec-15 14:18:29

No matter how bad the relationship is you should never go looking elsewhere, that must have dented your trust in her no?

It takes two to tango, if she's not prepared to meet you half way there's not much else you can do, splitting might be preferable.

I just can't believe how blaze she is about kissing another bloke!

robinofsherwood Mon 07-Dec-15 14:20:20

Where are your feelings in this? She confesses to cheating on you and now it's all about her unhappiness, her needing to keep her guard up? Yes, I get there are underlying issues but what about your hurt? You should be a priority here and she should be figuring out how to fix it.

Apart from anything else if I'd been feeling a lack of attention from my husband and then when i kissed someone else he wasn't angry or upset it would confirm my worries. It may even be that she wanted to shock you, to fight, get it all out and rebuild. I'd be seriously freaked out by being showered with hugs and kisses at this point

Sadhusband Mon 07-Dec-15 14:36:45

I get that. I felt so low when she told me and I know she is guilty and upset about it as she feels that for that to happen things are bad or broken.

I know we are both to blame for this and more sits with me. Don't get me wrong, I am a husband that cares a lot but have trouble expressing emotions. I would always moan a lot and never be happy with things. I wouldn't ask about her day or how she was, we just drifted along. I can't get angry with her though as I know that if I had paid proper attention and not kept things inside me things would have been better. Any anger is just massively shadowed by love and a massive regret for not showing it more.

Sadhusband Mon 07-Dec-15 14:40:49

Just to add I think she has been upset how I am over this. Probably cried 4 or 5 times in previous 15 years. 20 plus times in last week alone. We sent kids to bed early and although I normally cook I sent her upstairs and supr prized her with candles, roses, and we had a romantic nice meal but I was a wreck while setting up and physically shaking at the start.

Jan45 Mon 07-Dec-15 14:46:00

So she cheats but you are more to blame - you need to find out why she thought it OK to go and do this, that would be my first thought, never mind making fricken candlelight dinners for her.

Sorry but I just don't get your attitude to it, what happens next time there's a blip in the road and I guarantee you there will be.

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